Gods

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“People are the opiate of the Gods.”

~ Karl Marx on Karl Marx

Gods are beings of immense power and questionable judgment who may or may not interfere with events on Earth. Most people on earth believe in one or more gods, but there is often great disagreement about whether these gods actually exist or are merely popular mythology. It's extremely common for people to think that the god they believe in is real, but all of the other gods are fictional. Many gods hold PhD's in Genetic Engineering .

Popular Gods[edit]

God of Bullshit[edit]

The God of Bullshit lives atop Mount Platypus, a dormant bullshit volcano. At any time, the God of Bullshit can command the volcano to erupt bollocks all over his Audience. The God of Bullshit has enemies that are representable in a 5th dimensional graph. The God of Bullshit bestowed himself with godly power in order to bestow himself with godly power. This is similar to the origin of the God of paradoxes.

Yahweh[edit]

Yahweh, aka Jehovah, aka Elohim, aka JHVH-1 is currently the most popular god in the world. Worshipped by both Jews and Christians (though Christians often just refer to Yahweh as God), there are probably at least a billion people who consider Yahweh the one, true god. Yahwehists tend to disagree with each other about the exact nature of Yahweh, though, and end up fighting each other almost as much as they fight believers in other gods! Some people say the Muslims also worship Yahweh, or Allah (with a strong arab accent). But really they just worship killing innocent people and then blaming it all on Israel. Apperently, they have planted many spies in the Red Cross, in American universities and more places so they could get as many people to help them fight Israel.

Allah[edit]

Allah is the next most popular god in the world, worshipped by Muslims the world over. Some liberal-minded theologians think that Allah is the same as Yahweh (but with a middle-eastern accent), but more fundamentalist thinkers swear that Allah is really a demon. Some confused thinkers believe that Allah and Yahweh are really brothers who had a bit of a spat around 800 CE, but are bound to patch things up sooner or later.

Athe[edit]

Athe is the goddess of atheism. After Yahweh and Allah, she's the most popular deity. Atheists do not know they are worshipping her, since they do not believe in a god, as they say themselves. However, they DO believe. Athe is the proof. According to some followers of Athe-ism (Atheists who believe in Athe), Athe created the world in about 5 billion years at present time. She's still 'busy' building. (Actually, she's not. She's just smoking weed and having fun with some friends. Rumors say she currently lives in the Bronx.) No-one really knows who Athe's prophet is. Oscar Wilde claims the honour, but according to Article 6, page 9, line 14, it is supposed to be a smart Dutch guy. Good luck finding him.

Douglas Adams[edit]

Douglas Adams is God. Accept it.

Update: He's MOSTLY God.

Jimi Hendrix[edit]

One of the few gods to have been verified on film, Jimi Hendrix is the god of guitar players. Worship of Jimi tends to take the form of trying to play a guitar behind the worshipper's head, and doing long, strange versions of the Star Spangled Banner under the influence of marijuana. Followers of this cult include Lindsey Buckingham, Yngwie Malmsteen, That Guy from Dire Straits, Carlos Santana and Banjoist Steve Martin, although of course none of them have ever ACTUALLY come close to him. That hasn't prevented Rhiannon from worshipping Lindsey though, or at least doing a lot of Fuckingham.

Superman[edit]

This is quite easy to figure, since Superman is practically indestructible (on Earth), and seems to clean up after everybody else ALL of the time. Superman also is exceedingly benevolent, which indicates his total indestructibility (since without mortality, he has no fear, and since he has no fear, he has no anger, and since he has no anger, there is no reason for him to cause suffering). Now seen as somewhat quaint and un-interesting (unlike flawed anti-heroes such as Daredevil, Batman, or the Punisher), Superman still has a loyal following amongst the people.

Thor[edit]

Actual worship of Thor mostly stopped when the Vikings stopped conquering new lands, but Thor remains a very popular god to this day. He is popular enough to have his own line of comic books, which, frankly, beats out Yahweh, Allah, and Buddha in some measures of popularity. Worship of Thor consisted primarily of drinking large quantities of mead and beer, and singing loud, off-key versions of popular musical numbers.

Thor, of course, is also a part of Director Kenneth Branagh's long-standing Evil Plot to do "King Lear," which has played SOOOOO long with his repose. He IS a Shakespearean Director who finds thee, and he KNOWS - - - Oh, sorry, got carried away by a Frost Giant. Anyhoo, yeah, he made a truckload of cash so he can sucker Producers into letting him make King Lear now. Asked why SHE did Thor, Natalie Portman replied, "I just thought it sounded like a weird idea because Kenneth Branagh's directing it, so I was just like, 'Kenneth Branagh doing Thor is super-weird, I've gotta do it. Nahhh, I'm just messin' with 'ya; I did it for the CASH mofos! Besides, have you SEEN Chris Hemswor- er, Thor? You've just GOT to do Thor, it's near the top of any actress's To-Do list!" Hemsworth er, Thor, enthusiastically agreed and then asked reporters if they knew of any restaurants that were hiring waiters.

Oscar Wilde[edit]

Self-explanatory.

Rudyard Kipling[edit]

Generally known as the "bloody nice god, that Mr. Kipling", Rudyard Kipling's most distinct godly trait is that he prefers to write all of his own religious texts himself, as opposed to getting scribes to perform the task, or in Jimi Hendrix's case, play them. There are many variations to his texts, generally based on region. The most famous of his holy texts, "The Jungle Book" belongs to the Indian sects - one of his most prominent regions of worship, where he has well over 20,000,000 followers. Mr Kipling is a very generous god, and is continually seeking approval from the far corners of the Earth, by continually summoning offerings of snack-sized pies and slices. And, of course, he does make "exceedingly good cakes".

Gary Gygax[edit]

Also known as Satan to some sects of christianity, Gygax is the creator of the Darkness Spawn known as Dungeons and Dragons. Gygax had tried to conquer the planet with his organination TSR studios, but had had been beaten back by the righteous Crusade of 1392. An extremely powerful Overdeity, Gygax opposes Allah and other gods proposed by his prophets to be false. His evil is so great, he has been known to poison the hearts of certain victims, increasing their intelligence and imagination. The Unpardonable Sin according to certain sects of different religions. Thankfully, he is harmless if he forgot to prepare his spells the night before.

Loki[edit]

Unlike the other deities, Loki knows how to take a joke. There are many other beings and organizations, etc, that are using Loki as a name, that the real Loki had used the last name of Laufeyjarson to distinguish himself from the rest. Loki is a shapeshifter, and likes to impersonate the other deities and confuse their followers. He once posed as Jesus and told Christians to start the Crusades and the Inquisition and the Salem Witch Trials. He would shift to appear to look like Buddha, but everyone sees Buddha as a different person anyway, and Loki could not decide to be fat, thin, tall, short, or whatever and gave up trying to impersonate Buddha. Not to be confused with Loki, no relation, no really. His impression of Thor and other Norse gods, brought down the house at Ragnarok. He is known to be a founder of Iceland, Finland, and other nations of northern Europe, because he changed shape to appear as every one of those founders of those nations. It was Loki's idea to create the Vikings, which lead to the Pirates.

The most popular of this incarnation is Uber-Loki, but that and the rest of this description of Loki are just myths, the real deal is named Loki and all others are works of fiction, myths, lies, and Kitten Huffing.

iGod[edit]

Apple, created their own personal God for people named the iGod. It allows people to create their own iBible to do or say whatever they want it to do or say. It has met much criticism from other gods, but it remains popular with the youth.

David Tennant[edit]

It's true. What is the first thing that pops into your head when you think of him? God...

Charlie Sheen[edit]

God of winners.

Me[edit]

The time is, at last, at hand - I shall now reveal Myself. I am He Who Must Be Obeyed. ALL must bow down before me and - Oh shit hang on. Yes dear. Yes dear. No I didn't forget, I'll take out the garbage right now. Yes dear. Yes I realize that honey. Okay. Okay yes, right away. Gotta go. Damn.

Facebook[edit]

Facebook is apperently the most popular God nowadays. Most of the world worships it. The creator of this God is Mark Zuckerberg, a Guardian (creator of Gods and everything else), and also a complete asshole and a Jew (these two last things don't have anything to do with each other).

Porn[edit]

Some say this god is worshipped even more than Facebook God. Almost all men and many women worship it.

Others[edit]

His Holiness Molech Thorp of Milladore, WI.

See Also[edit]