Goetia

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The Goetia is a book written by bored Jews in the 14th century, as a way of detailing the science of dealing with spirits that, according to them and, also later Catholics, plagued the whole planet, raping and possessing everyone near them with their very large genitals. Also known as the Ars Goetia (Goetic Art), it is a part of the book "Lemegeton Clavicula Salomonis." Although the makers and users claim that this means the Lesser Key of Solomon, it actually means Lesser Can of salmon, and was probably made by a fisherman named Ralphael from Bethesda when his boat burned and he needed money. His ability to read and write was unique then, as it is now. The book is composed mainly of the list and seals of 72 demons from Hell, all of which apparently are able to be controlled by people who sit in a circle they draw on a ground while speaking in tongues. Some theorize that this is how Steve Guttenberg managed to become popular in the 80s, and why George Bush was elected. The original has been lost but, since it is made from salmon skin, cats are currently being used to comb the hill areas of the Dead Sea in search of this relic. The Goetia is NOT to be confused with Goatse, tha man who stretches his asshole out enough to allow his intestines to almost fall out if he desires.

WARNING: THESE SEALS ARE NOT REAL[edit]

These seals are actually copied from my Goetia, so go a head and piss with magic. In fact, you should try to use magic even if you have not studied it properly, and have a master sorcerer to guide you on the right path, and keep you from getting possessed, or vampirically attacked by a succubus, and laugh, I have never seen it occur. Magic is a toy.

For those who are too stupid to heed warnings, too skeptical to believe that you can actually be attacked by evil demons from Hell, or who actually have used magic, I have included several links to valid sites of magical interest at the bottom of the page. I will eventually expand the page to hold all 72 infernal spirits, as a fun joke.

For those who are still reading, you must be here for humor, so USE MAGIC!!! Hahaha, it can't hurt ya! You ain't mah dogg if you such a coward you can't wrap yo' fat fingers around this damn book and use it, homey! Be mah dogg! Really, you KNOW you wanna use it, and the links are there... magical power is fucking at your fingertips!

The First spirit, Bael[edit]

Bael, aka Ball, and his two extended testes.

Bael is the first Goetic Demon listed in the Goetia. Having confusion over his identity (see identity crisis,) Bael is unsure whether he is a man, cat, or toad, and can be seen in the Mushroom Kingdom as the toad man, and also as several other demonic cartoon characters, including Sonic the Hedgehog and Peter Pan. Bael is known to have a hoarse voice, mainly because there is no water in Hell. Also, he is Satan's favorite oral sex performer. He is able to make people invisible, but in order for this to happen, he has to first find the green hat in Super Mario 64. He could also make people into iron, or give them the ability to fly, but he sucks at N64, and has failed to even beat the first level.

The Second spirit, Agares[edit]

Agares, aka failed ink blot test, sucks Astaroth's penis, usually.

Agares is the second spirit of the infernals in the Goetia. Being of the order of virtues, he is very patient, and thus is recommended for High Schoolers, as they will have difficulty pronouncing the words in the conjuration, like "thee," "thy," and "Me." He can teach all languages to all who call upon him, but he also knows several Harvard professors, so he won't agree to be a study aid for the same students who, like aforementioned, cannot spell words in their own language, let alone a tough language like, say, Spanish. He is also the mascot of the confederates, as he also catches runaways and brings them back to their "master." Needless to state, he was also popular amongst generals in Vietnam.







The Third spirit, Vassago[edit]

Vassago is the finder of all things hidden, except for Jimmy Hoffa's body.

Vassago looks much like a shrimp, and is easily able to worm his way through most cracks and crevices to find treasure or trouble. He is thus a favorite at Playboy parties, where his antics are a smash hit. Although he can't find his television remote, he can find anything else, including the hidden page, Atlantis. George Bushes mind, and even the last shred of human decency held by such ignominous figures as Joe McCarthy, Nixon, Clinton, and Britney Spears' hymen.









The Fourth spirit, Gamigin[edit]

Gamigin, not to be confused with backgammon, appears as an ass, and acts similarly.

Appearing in the form of an ass, Gamigin is the fourth Goetic demon, and acts like he looks. The mascot of the Democratic party, Gamigin chooses to take the form of a fat man who shits in the elevator when it is loaded with people and has to ascend several dozen floors before anyone can exit. He also has been seen as a child who kicks the seat behind you, and also as a Jehovah's Witness, who won't go away. Other forms of Gamigin are suspected, but not completely assured. These include Wilfred Brimley the famed walrus lover, and the filthy man/ woman who steals your spouse.









The Fifth spirit, Marbas[edit]

Marbas always has open arms and two crosslike lollipops ready.

Marbas, the fifth spirit, desires small children. Originally this post was to be given to Michael Jackson, but Satan no longer wishes his services, as Jackson freaks him out. (Satan is more sensitive than most would believe.) Marbas usually appears as a man with a large moustache, and a pair of small glasses. He lives in the suburbs, drives a nondescript white van, and has a video camera worth far more than his home, which is devoid of any violent or obscene material. Sometimes, he appears on Christmas in a large red and white suit, proclaiming that he is "Satan Claus." He then instructs the naughty children, as well as the good little ones, to sit in his lap and tell him what he wants. Some have questioned why Marbas would bother with the itchy beard, but it is essentially to hide the stream of drool coming from his mouth as he slobbers over the fresh young meat in his lap, which some children notice has a protrusion that Santa explains is just a present.






The Sixth spirit, Valefar[edit]

Valefar appears as a nordic trak, and is the patron saint of evil technology.

Look closely at valefar's seal, and you can see that it represents a dead man lying next to a treadmill, which has killed him. Valefar, possibly the most evil spirit in the Goetia, tempts people to steal things, telling them that if they don't do what he wants them to, he will show up as a salesman and force them to buy exercizing equipment, or sets of encyclopedias. According to some, valefar has been seen as a massive body builder in gyms, telling people to feel the burn, and on television, where he has possessed the body of Richard Simmons, and Billy Mayes. Voted the most stubborn demon twice in 24235BC and later in 349AD, Valefar has over one million awards to his name, including "Head of being obnoxious" and "Most likely to be mistaken for an ork in Lord of the Rings.







The Seventh spirit, Amon[edit]

Amon appears like a large vagina with the lips turned by 90 degrees, or as a flower.

Amon, the seventh and most gay spirit of the Goetia, has the ignominy of appearing as his seal depicts, that is as a large and messed up female genital region. Pink Floyd, who studied this book extensively, portrayed Amon as a large vagina during their video "The Wall," in which the vagina undulates and eats a large penis- flower to the song "Empty Spaces." As for his homosexual nature, Amon was favored by the gay magic user's movement as the most desirable spirit to conjure, as he willingly makes other men to take their clothing off, and have drunken revels and orgies. Also, Amon is known intergalactically as the best cocktail maker in the universe, and as a fairly respectable fashionista as well.







The Eighth spirit, Barbatos[edit]

Barbatos dislikes being confused with the small island of a similar name.

Barbatos has a lot of pent up hostility amongst humans who see his name and confuse it with the small island, Barbados, which, in total area, just barely outranks Barbatos' penis in size. Demons are usually very gifted in genitalia, but Barbatos has the hard- to- cum- by title of Hell's largest penis. Satan himself can barley match up Barbatos at any time. usually, to make it more even, Satan tells Barbatos to take a cold shower, and look at Mr. Rogers on television, while Satan goes off and hits his manhood with a huge sledgehammer to flatten it out. It should be said for Satan, though, that Barbatos' penis is only a few inches wide, while Satan, through years of such poundings, has made his dick swell up as large as twenty miles in width. Barbatos usually appears with four other demons, who he refers to either as his "ho's" or his "bitches" depending on his mood.

In modern times, Barbatos found something that pissed him off even more than being confused with an island. Apparently, he can't stand gamers who use cheap tactics in Tales games such as auto-leveling or using items. Barbatos punishes said gamers by severing their penises, which lowers their already bad chances of getting a life.

The Ninth spirit, Paimon[edit]

Paimon does not like being referred to as the "Pie Man" who raped Simple Simon.

Hell is full of bakeries, and Paimon spends all of his time in these places of infinite tastiness. Normally, Paimon bakes pies, made either from hair and blood, or diseased and rotten gruel from the anuses of other demons. When he fucks up and accidentally makes something we would find to be remotely edible, he makes sure to hang the food a few inches from the faces of starving and chained captives, who howl for sustenance. Sometimes found in butcher shops, Paimon combines the blood spattering and gore found in Hell with the lovely aroma of fresh cumin and thyme, all smoked together like it was still in Lucifer's lair, to make a truly unforgettable steak.








The Tenth spirit, Buer[edit]

Buer knows all herbs, including the illicit ones.

Buer, the lord of cannabanoids and LSD, not to mention Ben and Jerrys Ice Cream, finds solace in his hellish exile in making sweet treats and other things for stoners to enjoy. He first became active in the sixties, when he came out of retirement to make acid rock, and then disappeared until Ben and Jerry's ice cream, made in Vermont (aka the middle of absolutely nowhere,) and selling it from his hippie van, emblazoned with a three pronged "Kickin' chicken" symbol, that people refer to as the peace sign, although he insists it means "Hail Satan." Herbs and their uses are easily known by summoning Buer, but he is also known to cause people to be arrested and looked at as worthless, and also to be tailed by gangs which want a "cut" of the profits, or protection money. On the flip side, he hasn't ever caused anyone to die.








Also see[edit]

Sites for magical tools, etc[edit]