Golf
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“You little son of a bitch ball, why don't you go home? That's your home! Are you too good for your home?! ANSWER ME!! SUCK MY WHITE ASS, BALL!!”
~ Adam Sandler on a normal game of golf
“I like whacking around tiny white balls on a Sunday afternoon.”
~ Oscar Wilde on golf
“Golf sucks.”
~ John Madden on Golf
“Golf doesn't suck.”
~ Will Mease on Golf
“Documentary evidence will be found, one day that golf causes cancer of the index finger. Only time will tell.”
~ Concerned observer
“That's not funny.”
~ Concerned Reader on Above quote
“In recent years the Ryder Cup has become a front for international drug smuggling. Players fill their balls with cocaine and hit them into holes which lead to an underground distribution ring.”
~ Another concerned observer
“Mini golfth ith better.”
~ A young person on mini golf
Golf is for homosexuals Golf is a load of fucking bollocks. It is well known as being the only sport in which you can wear a watch whilst playing, along with being the most boring sport to watch on television. Golf (gnomes only, leprechauns forbidden) is a form of medieval satanic torture. It also gives you burns on your face when you take over half an hour trying to get a ball inside a hole. It involves a thin iron club and small puckered balls. The hidden message can be found in the name of the 'sport' itself. Typical backwards satanic writing reveals the name to be FLOG ... speaking volumes.
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[edit] Players
Players of golf are known as golfists and study of the game is known as golfanology. Players use Golf raquets to whack a dimply billiard ball down the golf court. There are many types of golf courts in the world. It's a well documented fact that jews are forbidden from playing or acting like golfists. Contrary to popular belief Golfists do not use a country club to play the game. Country club are infact an 80's pop band fronted by Boy George.
[edit] Golf course architecture and design
While no two courses are alike, many can be classified into one of the following broad categories:
- Links courses: the most traditional type of Golf course, of which some centuries-old examples have survived in the British isles. Located in coastal areas, on sandy soil, often amid dunes, with few artificial water hazards and few if any trees. Traditional links courses, such as The Old Course at St. Andrews or Machrihanish, are built on "land reclaimed from the sea," land that was once underwater. Linksland is sometimes said to "link" the beach to the arable land; however, the more likely etymology is from the Middle English for "hill." It was historically suitable primarily for grazing sheep.
- Parkland courses: typical inland courses, often resembling traditional British parks, with lawn-like fairways and many trees.
- Heathland – a more open, less-manicured inland course often featuring gorse and heather and typically less wooded than “parkland” courses. Examples include Woodhall Spa in England and Gleneagles in Scotland.
- Desert courses: a rather recent invention, popular in Australia, parts of the USA and in the Middle East. Desert courses require heavy irrigation for maintenance of the turf, leading to concerns about the ecological consequences of excessive water consumption. A desert course also violates the widely accepted principle of golf course architecture that an aesthetically pleasing course should require minimal alteration of the existing landscape. Nevertheless, many players enjoy the unique experience of playing golf in the desert.
- Browns courses: Akin to sand courses (see below), but much more involved in terms of using layers of tar and gravel below the sandy surface layer, to give firmness and support and ensure a consistent bounce/roll. Common in arid parts of the Indian Subcontinent. The world's highest course of any type is a 9-hole browns course in Leh, Ladakh (J&K), maintained by the Indian Army. It is at 11,600 feet. Being beyond the Great Himalaya in an extension of the arid Tibetan Plateau, the region lies in a rain shadow, which would make a greens course impossible to water. Mixed courses that have both brown and green holes are called 'browns-greens' courses; e.g., the green and the central fairway may be grass, but the tee and rough would be brown.
- Sand courses: instead of a heavily irrigated 'green', the players play on sand; holes are less 'involved' than browns courses (see above), and are for the casual golfer.
- Snow courses: another rather recent invention; golf being played on snow, typically with an orange colored or another brightly colored ball. Can be played in Arctic or subarctic regions during winter.
- Par 3 courses: The course consists entirely of holes that you make in the backyard. These are considered a good test of the driver precision and not putting, as the putter is rarely used. Par 3 may also be used to term an easy waitress who requires only three lame attempts to get up her skirt.
- Executive courses: A course which generally is smaller than the typical 18-hole course, designed to cater to the fast-paced, executive lifestyle. So that a rapid pace of play may be maintained all players are provided with Tasers. Sound systems cleverly concealed along the course play applause tracks each time a ball is struck.
In the United States design varies widely, with courses such as the entirely artificial Shadow Creek in Las Vegas, where a course complete with waterfalls was created in the desert, and on the other end of the spectrum, Rustic Canyon outside of Los Angeles, which was created with a minimal amount of earth moving resulting in an affordable daily green fee and a more natural experience.
[edit] The History of Golf
It is well known that Lieutenant Jovial Jops of "Sensible Software” invented Golf accidentally when they were reworking “Cannon Fodder 3” for the X-Box 360. PC Magazine “Currant Bun” gave the invention of Golf a whopping 2/10 for skill. Jops was known to swing a baseball bat at his computer when he got stuck. His staff members created a thinner baseball bat which bent and formed what is now known as the golf club. Disgruntled 500 owners can't wait for "Golf 2" in which baseball bats will replace the old clubs. Some golf courses are known for gay sex in the middle of the green. Its usually when two guys find each other and engage in the act of anal sex and usually finishes with one guy saying "whos your daddy". Or until somebody bleeds or is given another hole for which another man can screw in.
Another rumour surounding the origins of golf is that in the 15th century when gay people were widely unaccepted they need to create a place where they could put balls in holes and not be burned at the stake, they would tell there wifes they were going to play a game of golf. 1 day a rich mans wife followed her husband and realised he was attending an all male orgy. The man therefore invented the real game and said he slipped and that is how he ended up in the predicament, golf today is played by gays worldwide.
[edit] Tournament play
Tournaments are held on polar ice caps, and there is no ball. Instead, golfers must seek out baby seals to club.
- PGA Tour Golfers must club as many seals as possible and design a fashion line from their clubbings. The winner is the one that gets the most Friends of the Earth protesters outside their house.
- Ryder Cup Players must ride around on seals to club other seals, including ones ridden by other players. Winner is the one with the most clubbed seals.
- Masters Various countries have Master's tournaments. The object of these tournaments is to club the baby seal into the ocean in as few shots as possible, and then masturbate on them, thus the name.
- Recently Bereaved Players Cup The likes of Tiger Woods, Darren Clarke, and Chris DiMarco club seals while weeping to compete for the coveted Urn.
[edit] Golf Terminology
- Albatross — Hitting an albatross with one's ball.
- Albatoss — Hitting someone tossing to Jessica Alba with one's ball.
- Birdie — Hitting a bird out of the sky with one's ball.
- Bogey — Hitting a Humphrey Bogart lookalike with one's ball.
- Chip Shot — Hitting a shot while eating chips.
A "Cunt" A + 100(only done so far by Pervet Harrington)
- Double Bogey — Same as above, but with two Humphrey Bogart lookalikes.
- Eagle — Many people believe that this refers to hitting an eagle with one's ball. This is incorrect. It actually refers to the use of a ridiculously oversized Israeli firearm as a putter.
- Doih — Attempting to hit one's ball with the wrong end of the club.
- Golf Golf — A form of golf in which the players use small Volkswagen hatchbacks to travel from hole to hole. Called Rabbit Golf in the United States until 1984.
- Golf War — Stuck in the biggest sandpit ever invented, more like Crazy Golf as Scuds land all around.
- Mulligan — Uttered when playing with a guy whose last name is Mulligan. When he hits you with the ball (or when baby seal guts hit you in the face), you can yell "Mulligan!", and are permitted to punch him in the face five times. This is shown in the 1996 Adam Sandler film "Happy Mulligan" when the title character gets beat up by Bob Barker.
- Shagbag — See Princess Michael of Kent.
- Snowman — The act of hitting an innocent snowman with a baby seal. This is usually a sure sign that you should quit. Later, all the golfers playing will mourn around the snowman, firing large missiles into the air with their oversized Israeli putters. If while firing a missile a baby seal is hit and killed, the player responsible for the missile will be hanged on the spot.
[edit] Minigolf
Another form of golf is minigolf, a sport for generally lame or short people. In this type of golf, you hit golf balls at other peoples houses and windmills. The goal of this game is to get as many golf balls as possible lost in either the myriad of bushes, the strangly colored ponds, or the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow(if you hit the leprechaun, you get $5). The pot of gold is called "The Endless Vortex" or "The Last Hole" by employees, but they're all idiots. We know it's a leprechaun. The setting of minigolf course has been in many science-fiction novels, and is deeply intertwined in conspiracy theories. Many believe that mini golf is a form of communication with satan. Golfists maintain this is not true. However, many secrative ceremonies are held mid - round in the bushes by golfists. Is this Satanic worship, or simple homosexual tendancies?
