Google (company)

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Google, Inc.
Goggles.jpg
Googles.
Slogan Google it with Bing
Established Washington DC, America (March 31 1997, as Google Inc.)
Type(s) Private... WAIT! NO! Public Corporation
Founder(s) Steve Jobs' goofy cousin
Location(s) Redmond, Washington
Industry Computing, Searching, Porning
Employees 36 full-time; 23 temporary
Produces Gmails, Mapmails, Earthmails
Revenue Enough To Get By On
Parent Google senior (DECEASED PLOX!)
Official homepage [www.bing.com] , [www.google.com] , [www.yahoo.com] , [www.ask.com]

Google is a search, e-mail, maps, social networking, world domination-planning US company, based in the Googleplex at Mountain View, CA.

History[edit]

Many many years ago, when google was just a little orphan, cold and alone, a WEEGEE! stumbled across it in the cold streets of cyberspace. His name was John Jacob Jingle Heimer Smith. He took google in and taught it how to be tough. He taught google how to beat the living shit out of all those other search engines. He taught it how to fucking piss people off and give them shit that they weren't even looking for. You cat is most likely a GOOGLE. Thus, the long kick-ass journey of GOOGLE, the super feline cat, had begun!

Side-career as a prostitute[edit]

She was "servicing" everyone, I swear to god. You could find her "services" everywhere! Everything was "powered" by Google. And it still is, for that matter. Now people are using her all the time. They even use her "male" services. Little bitch.

Humble beginnings[edit]

Google began in January 1996, as a research project called "BackRub" that aimed to design a soothing massage way of finding websites with actual relevance to the keywords the user would type in. However, the Internet felt it was rubbed the wrong way, and remained stagnant for some years. However, eventually Larry Page and Sergey Brin founded a company for their project, initially called Yet Another Garage Company, which was somehow misspelled "Google Inc" on an investor's check. Page and Brin quickly decided that this name was a lot better and stuck with it.

A key to Google's success was its ranking mechanism. The mechanism was developed by Page, Brin, and the obscure third founder Alan Rank, and was named PageBrinRank after the three developers. However, Brin decided the name was slightly awkward, and decided to opt out of the name, giving birth to the better-known name, PageRank.

A rejected version of the Google logo. Larry Page was supposed to have said that it "gave the impression that this company was eventually going to lose its competence and be sold to Microsoft." Page was a gifted visionary.

It is a common misconception that the design of the Google homepage was based on a philosophy of utmost simplicity. In fact, Google was just too poor. Ah, those were the days, which ended abruptly in 1999 with rapid growth of the company. But Google spent all its new found wealth not on a web designer, but on the Googleplex, where its plans for world domination began to take shape.

Echoes of maniacal laughter[edit]

This began in 2000 with the introduction of text-based advertisements that would be relevant to the keyword a user typed in. Keyword advertising generated revenue rapidly, and with that revenue and venture capital funds, Google was now unstoppable. Already it had a formidable arsenal of Web, Images, Maps and News, but Google was about to go postal.

Gmail launched in 2004, and to date is the longest April Fools' Day hoax ever perpetrated. It claims to generate revenue from advertisements and links, and alleges several gigabytes of web mail space. For a while, Gmail had the largest webmail disk space of any free service, a record that was subsequently broken by Yahoo! Mail's infinite storage, which unfortunately crashed upon a test run where every digit of pi was emailed to a Yahoo! Mail account.

Google bought out companies like ... well, like Google bought out companies. It bought out an application for spying on hostile countries and classified military structures, which it renamed Google Earth. It bought out YouTube, the world's largest rickroll service. It bought out a Twitter clone, a social network, online document editors. Mostly it tended to kill those websites.

The plan hatches[edit]

A preparation step for Google's world confusion and domination plan: Google ThwartBabelTower.

Google made preparation steps slowly over the years after buying the Googleplex. Most have been kept secret; however, some have not been so subtle. For example, the puzzling christening of almost every good Google product as "beta" was purposely designed to lull the general public into a false sense of security about software betas.

Google's full-on world domination plan began in earnest when it bought a small mobile software firm called Android in July 2005. Google began researching ways to survey the entire human population through cell phones in order to figure out an effective marketing strategies for a new overlord of Earth.

The plan all came together in fall 2008, when Google Chrome and the first Android phone were announced. Through Google Chrome and this "G1" phone, Google now had full surveillance over a substantial sampling of the human population. In accordance with a fun, friendly marketing strategy, the benevolent overlord, now named Google WorldRuler, is on track for public exposure on April 1, 2010.

Google Products and Services[edit]

“In Soviet Russia, Engine search YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on Google Search Engine

“I never thought my GOOGLE would eat my leg off and screw my wife. I guess i was wrong.”

~ Bill Gates on Chatroulette

Google currently has a wide range of products and services available. These include:

  • Google Search. A good starting point.
  • Google Earth. Uses of this sandbox program include: viewing your house from space, gazing at the stars, taking a peek into classified military locations, and not looking at Earth.
  • Google Maps; another way to get lost if you don't have a GPS system
  • The Google Personal Information Collection Initiative. Consists of:
    • Google Chrome, the worlds fastest web browser.
    • Google Chrome OS, a web browser disguised as an operating system;
    • Google Search;
    • Google Latitude
    • Google Health;
    • Google Checkout;
    • Gmail, an April Fools' hoax purporting to be an email service;
    • Google Talk;
    • Google Reader;
    • Google Docs;
    • Google Voice;
    • Picasa;
    • Google People Standing Behind You;
    • and Google Secret World Government.
  • Google China, a barely practical, highly censored subsidiary.
  • Google Toolbar, a dinosaur.

See also[edit]