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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Goose-step.
German Soldiers Marching
German soldiers marching, using the incredibly gay Goose Step marching form

The Goose-step is a stupid looking stiff legged marching technique (if one could call it that) beloved of fascists and The Village People. It has most notably been employed by the Weird-march of the Glorious German Army in order to hide the embarrasing erections they all had as they prepared for the insemination invasion of several European countries, most notably (for the nookie) France (circa 1939 to 1945 - after 1945 it ceased to exist as a nation because the Americans came over and ruined liberated it).


The marching form is executed by firstly clutching your buttocks tight together. This does nothing for the marching form per sae, but it makes your bottom look nice and tight for the Generals who have to watch the formal marches. It gives them something to fantasize about as they watch hundreds of young men march past them in their dark and sexy military uniforms.

Next one must stride with the knees locked tight so that your legs are kept perfectly straight (unlike your Generals) as you mince march past your Glorious Leader, who is probably shorter than you and has a stupid mustache. The 1930s German Variant will have you mincing marching very fast, while the 1950s Russian Roulette Variant will have you marching very slowly, preferably with an arm swinging technique that makes you look suspiciously gay.

Finally, being able to swing an arm in counterpoint time will perfect this technique for those of you who live in that cold country north of Europe that is really made up of several previously annexed states, which has killed more innocent civilians than Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot and John Cleese put together.

Usefulness in Determining the Facist Nature of a State[edit]

Other facist states employ the goose-step marching form on a regular basis. In fact, the first way to tell if a country is a facist dictatorship is whether or not their soldiers use the goose-step as the predominant ceremonial marching form.

If their laws seem draconian but their military does not employ the goose step, then one can assume they are just being ruled by New Labour or the Republicans, and that sooner or later those bozos will be out of office and everyone can get back to life as usual.

Spurious Counterpoint and Minor Digression[edit]

German Soldiers in the Shower
German Soldiers in the shower after a 'military wank'.

Equally, the nation could be a viable democracy with a higher than usual amount of practising homosexuals (don't they ever get it right? - Editor) within their military wanks.

Military wanks are most popular in armies that repress homosexuality within their ranks, as the circle jerk does not count as being gay even though it most definately is.

Games played during military wanks include soggy buscuit, hit the ceiling, and stick it in each other's arses.

Never-the-less, a democratic nation that uses the Goose-Step marching form is usually known for having many homosexuals within their military establishments. A Facist nation that uses the Goose-Step marching form also has a large number of homosexuals within their military organisations, but these are heavily repressed. Hence the military wanks or circle jerks.

End of Minor Digression[edit]

Further details on military wanks may be forthcoming within a future article, if anyone can be bothered to write it. If not, you will just have to use your own imagination and copious amounts of gay porn and baby oil.

Alternatively, just join the French Foreign Legion.

It Looks Gay, Especially with Swinging Arms[edit]

Obligatory picture of Adolf Hitler
Beautiful Brown-Shirted Man. Rozz Williams favourite pin up picture of Herr Furer

Goose step marching is also often accompanied by camp arm swinging techniques, which is why this marching form is also loved by The Village People, as they love to mince everywhere. Other leading homosexual proponents of the goose step marching form include Julian Clarey, the late Rozz Williams, and the infamous Pink General, who escaped the Nazi death camps by becomming an indispensible personal assistant to Adolf Hitler.

The song, Beautiful Brown-Shirted Boy, reveals just how much latent homosexuality are within armies that make use of the Goose-Step marching form. The fact that Rozz Williams used to sing it live on stage and in drag also gives the game away.


  • The Goose-Step marching form is best employed by the militaries of facist dictatorships.
  • Its methods and execution means that even the most fearsome, genocidal, blood-thirsty soldiers still end up looking rather camp.
    • Which is probably quite accurate, after discovering what we have about military wanks.
  • It is not to be used by the militaries of sane, democratic nations. Not even the USA.