Graeme Swann

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Bugger Proust, this is Graeme Swann's Way.

Graeme Peter Swann was born in Towcester, England in 1979. After an unremarkable first 29 years of his life, Swann was catapulted to stardom by becoming the greatest spin bowler in the world of cricket after gaining public notoriety through Twitter.


Graeme was born into a cricket loving family at a young age. Despite winning a contract with his native Northamptonshire, England. Swann didn't actually do anything at all relevant for long spells of his early career. Famed more for his hilarious chin than anything else, Swann had settled into the role as "honest county pro", before deciding to find pastures anew in Nottingham after being evicted from his flat for "raucous banging" (this later proved to be Swann attempting to save a cat from under some floorboards).

Swann's honest county play earned him a call-up to England's ill-fated tour to South Africa in 1999, but he was sent home in disgrace after missing the team bus, flashing coach Duncan Fletcher, and not playing along and telling Ashley Giles that he was a good bowler. Swann only made one appearance, and in keeping with his career at that point, returned unremarkable figures of no wickets for 24 runs scored against.

International Comeback[edit]

After England had tried every known spinner in the county game (including Alex Loudon, Jamie Dalrymple and Michael Yardy), Swann was spectacularly recalled to the side in a blaze of publicity, in what was called by some as "scraping the barrel". However, Swann astonished all by actually being pretty good, so much so that he retained his place in the team for more than three matches - by far the longest of any England ODI spinner of the past 30 years.

After guiding England to sensational series victories against Sri Lanka and South Africa, Swann was getting a reputation as being a massive lad. This was despite sporting flowing Robbie Savage style blonde highlights. Swann's lol-filled post-match interviews were continuing to see his star shine, and soon the public were clamouring for Swann to make his international test debut.

Testing Time[edit]

Swann's intimidating look to put a batsman off his stroke.

Coming in to make his debut in the 2008 tour to India, Swann's first over has become known as "Swanny's Super Over in Chennai" as despite being hit for four with his first ball, he got out Gambhir and the Wall. England lost the game and the series, but Swann had been confirmed as an all-round legend.

After confusingly being dropped and then reinstated for England's tour of the West Indies, Swann continued his meteoric rise, taking shitloads of wickets on pitches not previously considered conducive for spin.

Swann was firmly England's main main for the Ashes series of tests against the Australian Cricket team and despite Andrew Flintoff's attempts to steal the show, Swann's overall wicket taking awesomeness meant he was the real reason the urn remained at Lord's.

It was around this time that Swann turned to Twitter, and found a new audience of fans eager to see Swann's tweets. Whether coming up with badly crafted puns or engaging in cheeky banter with mates Jimmy Anderson or Jimmy Bresnan, Swann had truly become the nation's tweetheart.

Post Ashes[edit]

Swann now makes his living as a member of the Cricketingdales. A calendar is expected soon.

Swann led England's charge to South Africa, winning man of the match in every game (apart from the one England lost) and picking up man of the series. Swann's adept batting (where his mantra of trying to hit every ball for six paid off spectacularly) was only bettered by his now consistently brilliant bowling, as he took the most amount of wickets for any England player ever. He also made everyone laugh on Twitter and in his interviews, and was surprisingly snubbed for a knighthood in the Queen's New Year's Honours.

Despite this disappointing blow, Swann continued to dick all over the world's batsmen, and after taking 63 wickets in two games against perennial whipping boys Bangladesh, Swann reached the coveted Number One Ranked Player in the History of Cricket award from The Excitable Cricketer Magazine, and the more likely Number Two Ranked Bowler in the official ICC rankings.

After making numerous Bangladeshi and Pakistani batsmen cry in the 2010 summer (including bowling The Ball of The Century to get rid of Imran Farhat), Swann turned his attention to the Ashes Down Under.

The Ashes Down Under[edit]

Despite the best attempts of the Australian media to negate Swann's massive off-breaks, the crafty Swann still tore them apart, again. Not required to actually do much bowling, Swann spent much of the 29834 hours that Alastair Cook and Jonathan Trott batted sending funny tweets and making funny videos. When he was actually needed to turn his arm over, he took a five for at Adelaide. England won 3 games by an innings, and every England player was knighted. The nation of Australia formally offered itself back to be controlled by England, before someone reminded them that the Queen was still in charge anyway.

The Sprinkler[edit]

Swann's leads the Sprinkler to scare the opposition. Also called the 'English Haka'.

Seen by many as a pivotal reason for England winning the Ashes down under, the dance move known as the Sprinkler bonded the England team like no other. Invented by Ginger hero Paul "Colly" Collingwood, the move was featured and propagated on Swann's infamous video series "Swanny's Ashes Diary". After becoming a hit with players and fans alike, the Sprinkler has become a symbol for English success abroad. It's rumoured that Prince William will perform the Sprinkler as his first dance after the Royal Wedding, in honour of his best man (Swann).

Personal Life[edit]

Swann opens his mouth to show of his thoroughly English pedigree.

Swann is happily married to some lady, and has a son called Wilfred. When announcing the name "Wilfred" many though Swann has doing one of his trademark japes, but it actually turned out that he was serious.

Swann, the lady, and Wilf, have two cats, called Max and Paddy. Swann hit the headlines after being caught drunk driving, and using the excuse that he was trying to save Max (or Paddy) from being trapped under the floorboards by finding a late-night supermarket that would sell him a screwdriver. Assuming this was one of Swann's trademark japes, the arressting officers laughed, but when it came to court, it turned out that Swann was telling the truth. Max (or Paddy) escaped unharmed.

Despite coming from Northampton (nowhere near Newcastle), Swann is a massive Newcastle United fan, and has been to tens of their games. He regularly pledges his support to his favourite player (Shola "Goala" Ameobi) on Twitter. After the sacking of Chris Hughton, Swann wore a black armband for each of England's World Cup games in support of the genial Cockney-Irishman.