Grand Rapids, Michigan

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“I'm a writer and I'm feeling like death, as you would too, if you'd just flown into Grand Rapids, Michigan, at some ungodly hour of the morning only to discover that you can't check into your hotel room for another three hours. In fact, it's enough just to have flown into Grand Rapids, Michigan. If you are a native of Grand Rapids, Michigan, then please assume that I am just kidding, anyone else will surely realize that I am not.”

~ Douglas Adams on Grand Rapids

Grand Rapids, nicknamed "Bland Rabbits," is a tight-knit community of rich Dutch Republicans, located in Dutch West Michigan. Its leaders worship Gerald "Ralph" Ford, the only president who wasn't elected, even though he is dead, he spends as much time in Heaven as possible. Some people may mistake Grand Rapids, Michigan for High Point, North Carolina, the furniture capital of the world. Grand Rapids' last 2 remaining furniture companies have now gone down to one, called "Kindling Co."

Controversy arose in 1999 when Jeff Ingersole petitioned successfully to spend $250,000 of taxpayer money on a name change for the local airport, "so my retarted children have something to remember me by."

The occupants of Grand Rapids are separated into 4 groups: wealthy Dutch-descended Republicans, middle-income Dutch-descended Republicans, Democrats and immigrants.

Let's read the Beginner's Guide, huh Grand Rapids? There's gotta be somone not completely cynical who can say somthing actually funny isn't there?

Contents 1 Geography 2 History 3 Jobs 4 Rival Groups 5 The Dictators 6 The 108th Amendment 7 Construction 8 The Heart 9 Famous Grand Rapidianisians 10 The Death of Grand Rapids 11 Motto

[edit] Geography

Grand Rapids was situated on top of several scenic and probably important Native American burial sites; and the Grand River, which is a stream of partially-treated shit that dumps directly into Lake Michigan (best known as the Great Lake with the most fish advisories after Lake Eerie). A high-volume open sewage line runs downhill through the city, from the all-you-can-eat buffets to the low-income housing districts.

[edit] History

Founded by French Indian-rapers in the 1800s, the city was originally named "Campy" after the French guy who raped the most squaws. It was later changed to Grand Rapids because that made it sound more important than it was. Forest Hills Public Schools District is well-known for wealthy Dutch-descended Republicans, and has an expensive school system to go with it. Despite this clear advantage over most cities, Grand Rapids has only two known high school graduates, special agent Dana Scully and Roger Bruce "Willis" Chaffee, and they graduated from City and Central High, respectively. The population was almost all Dutch in 1912 and the current population is becoming more Mexican by the minute.

Grand Rapids rocketed to stardom in 1967 when local thrill-seeker and high-school graduate Roger Bruce "Willis" Chaffee piloted a mission to stop the moon from crashing into Earth. In order to complete his mission, he drove his ship directly into the moon, murdering fellow astronauts Gus VanGrisman and Edward Van Wittstra and destroying the moon, perhaps forever. He is memorialized in the Roger B. "W." Chaffee Blvd, a twisty road known for filthy industrial chemical plants.

Grand Rapids is also home to the famous Amway pyramids, which were built by two ancient Dutch families for money-worshipping, and specialize in making Dutch people rich. After decades of screwing people with overpriced groceries and scandal, the pyramids changed their name to "Alticor," which means "We're still rich Dutch fucks and we'll rub it in your face" in Latin; this fooled no one. Alticor (Amway) is currently attempting to buy the state of Michigan by first buying the govenorship for the nice-looking-but-none-too-sharp son of one of its founders. His wife, popularly known as "that bitch Betsy" will actually run the state for him, but she has been sent off to one of the family's private islands in the Caribbean so as not to alienate any voters before the November election.

Luckily, Dickie DeVos' millions in campaign spending could not buy him the state of Michigan for his greedy wife Betsy. After the election they disappeared from the political scene for a period of time as they decided what other right-wing political cause they could squander their excessive wealth on. It is rumored their family jet has been seen circling the Mackinac Bridge. Does Dick fancy owning a signature Michigan landmark to go with the Ada Pyramids?

[edit] Jobs

There are no fucking jobs in Michigan, let alone The Grand Rapids Metro Area. Grand Rapids used to make Dildos, but that moved to the south because rednecks From Montcalm County are cheaper workers (later the work went to Detroit anyway). It also used to make auto parts for Geo but the world knows they build crap and nobody buys their cars anymore.

There is however a big hospital called "We Like Gay People" which employs the retarded as orderlies and janitors in order to get free money. It is currently locked in battle with the Muslim Hospital for who controls cancer and aids.

Also, some black hobos have been known to eek out a living by selling the excess road salt poured and dead kittens on the roads in winter to local restaurants as "Kosher semen salt" and "gourmet beef dildos." Otherwise, these homeless souls salvage shampoo, soap, and kittens from the dumpsters behind the Maxfields Inn On M46 and sell it to the clueless Dutch people of The Grand Rapids Metro Area Including Montcalm And Ionia Counties, who, in turn, resell it to their D.E.V.O.S pyramid dupes as Alticor product. Nobody is really hurt by this ruse, as Amway product is generally know as crap anyway, except the dead kittens.

[edit] Rival Groups

• The Briefcases are rich Dutch pricks who run the whole city.
• The Dudes are high school male dropouts on skateboards. Frequently found at Purple East.
• The Cells are high school female dropouts who act like typical teenagers.
• The Balls are high school graduates who graduated because they were popular jocks.
• The Pussies are high school dropouts who are usually seen on street corners on South Division/MLK Ave.
• The Chums are unemployed, beer-bellied, construction worker type guys who vote Democrat and bitch about Dick DeVos while drinking.
• The Nooks are unemployed high school dropout females who are extremely fertile.
• The Mex are Mexicans living everywhere in Grand Rapids.
• Hollanders are people who believe mowing your lawn on Sunday is a sin against God and wish there was a death penalty for it.

Through this list you can see that life in Grand Rapids centers around teenagers and high school life. This is why it's depressing, and Prozac sales have gone through the roof in this area.

[edit] The Dictators

Like other American cities, Grand Rapids is ruled by a Socialist family or two (the unelected Dick "DICK LICKER" And Betsy "Bet My Ass" Devos ). They rule the city by enforcing the no mowing of lawns on Sunday and buying up all the property in the area to build McMansions and lick the shoes of other rich families (the Van Andels).

Some believe Grand Rapids is actually a puppet state of the Van Andel-Flikemmas and De Voses who constructed mighty Amway pyramids about the region to breed and enslave the population for the purposes of selling and re-selling shampoo and cleaning solvents, before dumping them into the high-volume open semen line, making it Howard City's problem now. Few, however, have ever penetrated the sandstone walls surrounding the city to get a glimpse of its true inner workings.

[edit] The 108th Amendment

This amendment, written by former rulers Fred and Lena Meijer And Gay Ford Dealers Harold Ziegler And Ed Koehn, dont even mention the Vaccum Cleaner Man Mark Bissell, states that there will be a Meijer supercenter In Every Cities In Kent, Ionia, Montcalm Counties,

[edit] Construction

Grand Rapids law states that at any given moment, 82.5% of the streets must be under construction. However, DeVos relaxs this rule a bit in the winter so that the construction workers don't kill him.

Furthermore, legislation states that all roads leading to any Walmart within 100 miles from West Michigan must include speed bumps, speed humps, spike strips, and must be toll roads.

[edit] The Heart

Unlike most cities, Grand Rapids is sustained by a massive robot heart, coveniently situated between several unnecessarily wide one-way streets, which are part of the MDOT's evil campaign to obliterate world's asphalt supplies. The Heart was constructed by sixth-grader Tony Taylor(a local satin worshiper) to keep dark energies continually flowing throughout the city. The Heart is colored blood-flourescent-orange and is named "Luh Graahn vee Tess" which roughly translates to "step-off, fool." The Heart is given annual sacrifices at a ritual known as "Festival" where peasants are recycled into soylent green and other foodstuffs and dispensed among the population and exorbitantly high prices.

[edit] Famous Grand Rapidianisians

• Agent Scully
• Roger Bruce "Willis" Chaffee
• Van Andels
• Tony Taylor a.k.a. "FORMER SON OF A BITCH"
• De Voses
• Peter Seccia (that Italian Republican who spent all our money changing the airport name)
• That fit Red Hot Chili Peppers guy, um, what's his name oh, Anthony Kiedis.
• Joe Cartoon
• Magic Johnson
• The name of the character played by George C. Scott in Hardcore.
• That guy who worked with Conan O'Brien. You know... he was pudgy and hasn't gotten good work since.
• Lee VanAmeyde
• The Artist Formerly Known as The Artist Formerly Known as Reb Roberts
• Weather Bunny Terri DeBoer
• "That Bitch Betsy" who is currently living in exile on one of the Amway Caribbean Islands
• The bald dude who sings for Tool and maybe REM
• Edward M. DeVries
• Kelli
• ERIC MUNSON
• The Most Reverend, Powerful, Majestic, and Awe-Inspiring Bishop Walter Allison Hurley
• The Dutch Wonder - dedicated to the common universal cause of keeping the Dutch both wealthy and in control.
• Sunffelupagas

[edit] The Death of Grand Rapids

In 2007, one kid named Jeff Miller got incredibly pissed off and went on a killing spree. He killed thousands with a drum stick, Weiner Dogs, and an ice cream scooper. He got so pissed off because some airhead in his math class called him and his friend Matt Emo when they are OBVIOUSLY Metalheads. Although the whole city suffered, the first targets were (in order): Emos, Democrats, Straightedges, Fat People (RIP Aaron Warnock), Hippies, Red Heads (RIP Jack Flannery), Italians, Spider-man, Your Mom, Nazis, Unicorns, Satan, and he then ventured toward Lansing to try and kill Grandmole, but his friend Matt stopped him by telling him these words ".........Butt Rape........" and then the killing spree was over. All of Grand Rapids lay in ruins, bodies strewn across every street, hookers murdered, their blood turning the sewers along Division red, and the Unicorns were driven into extinction.

[edit] Motto

Nooit 'szondags maaien, want God is de Heer. (Never mow on Sundays, because God will kill you if you even think about it.....bitch).

Weather-ball blinking brown, more shit flowing down(Grand River)