Grand Theft Auto: Baghdad Stories

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“I Want It”

~ Jon Laing on Grand Theft Auto: Baghdad Stories
Grand Theft Auto: Baghdad Stories
Note the absence of humans in the cover.
Developer You'd wish it's not EA
Release Date On your birthday and Christmas. Wheeee.
Genre Emo Turn-based strategy
Platforms PlayStation 2 PS3 and PS4
Microsoft Xbox WindowsDeathStar
Microsoft Xbox 360
Wii Puu
Rating First release: Adults Only

Second Release: (after replacing one-humped camels with two-humped camels): early Childhood.
Later Changed to a new ESRB rating, see below under Controversy. 4th rating: MA17

Would Mr. Freeze play it? "That depends: Does that guy hump male camels?"

Another installment from the well-known Rockstar Games which takes place in Baghdad ( contrary to a popular rumor circulated that the game will take place in Baghmom), iRaq. Rockstar was forced to develop the game in a 2 square meter chamber under tight CIA surveillance after fans discovered that Grand Theft Auto: Baghdad is actually Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas after playing it for ten years, thus resulting in the 2012 siege of Rockstar Studio. And Rockstar is not a person whose father's name is Dick Games.

2012 Siege of Rockstar Studio


  • Derga-Derga-Derga
  • More guns. More Infadels. More Sand.


GTA: Baghdad Stories follows the journey of Abdul Qadir Muthawaslah ibn Abu Idris al-Zawathiri (we'll call him Abdul from now. Yeah, I know.), an asshole living in a cave, as he struggles to get a life other than writing pathetic, pointless articles parodying a game in Uncyclopedia, fight the local gangsters, and finally, be the third crowned king of the Galactic Empire of iRaq (which is impossible, since technically an empire can only have an emperor).

The timeline is set in parallel with GTA: Baghdad (U.S tyrranical ethnic cleansing of the people of occupation of iRaq), in line with the 2000 year-old tradition of Rockstar game-making formula.

NOTE: If I were to write an entire storyline for a Grand Theft Auto game, I better AM getting my 150000 Dollars!!! Or 5000000 Dinars, whichever comes first.


Still in line with the 2000 years, 3 minutes, 55.5433 seconds-old tradition of game-making formula (which also saves time and money useful for crack parties, which is also in line with the tradition), Rockstar made the game's control layouts exactly the same as previous GTA games, with the exception for the Playstation ® 4 version, in which the complex combination of R1+R2+L2+L3+up,down,up,down will result in the main character whacking off, or humping a camel if there is one nearby.

The game provides a fucking lot of things to do for the players, even so that you won't be able to do everything in the game before Jesus comes back to earth. Twice. And a third time to try to pull you away from the console, after your mom prayed day and night and offered to give up her virginity to Jesus, an offer which was turned down (politely) by Jesus for a number of (obvious) reasons.

A list of some things you can do in GTA: Baghdad Stories[edit]

  • Camel humping
  • Hobo-killing
  • Poor-skinny-african-guy-from-that-scene-in-"Blackhawkdown"-killing
  • Self-killing
  • Camel humping
  • Camel trafficking (camel traffick-jamming is also possible)
  • Camel laundering
  • "Ho" hiring
  • "Camel-ho" hiring
  • "Jihad" shouting
  • Peeing
  • Peeing on camels
  • Drive-by (on camel)
  • Camelfucking (lvl.2 Camel humping)
  • "Finger" showing at Jesus
  • camel PIMPIN'
  • Howie for men
  • Do whatever you want with GANGSTA JOE.
  • Giving Camels Dildos

No, you can't kill camels in this game, you Sick Bastard.


The game features a number of authentically-designed vehicles which the player can hijack, blow up, modify, or sell at eBay. Here is a complete list of them:

  • Dromedaries-indulge in the desert sun in this two-seated desert luxury.
  • Bactrians-indulge in the desert sun with your family in this four-seated desert luxury.
  • pushcarts-the newest from Al-Honda, zip along the desert views with this 80.000 horsepower stallion.
  • Nissan Sunni-Japanese import. Driving this in areas controlled by any other Islamic sect will draw fire.
  • Imaginary horses-licensed from Monty Python, also comes with coconuts carried by, this time, Arabian Swallows.
  • Armed pickups-someone decided to randomly install 50cal.machine guns on the pickups of peace-loving iRaqi citizens one night. This was believed to be the real cause of World War II.
  • Armed fuckups-Nuff said.
  • Propaganda pickups-a pickup with a scarved man who keeps yelling in Arabic when driven, rather useless until said man is pwned.
  • Tripods-Al-Qaeda is running low on funds, so they picked a less costlier alternative to human-made tanks. Tom Cruise and freakin'-cool death ray not included.
  • M1025 Humvee-very useless, with GM 6.5L turbodiesel engines, .50 caliber Browning machine gun (can also mount: MK-19 40mm automatic grenade launcher, TOW missile launcher, & GAU/19 .50 caliber vulcan cannon), bulletproofing, Goodyear Wrangler tires, oh my.
  • M1 Abrams-another useless invention of mankind, honestly, it's just pure waste to put those sweet cannons on tracks. Why not give them to the Guv'nor instead?
  • AH-64 Apache-a useful invention of mankind. Equipped with a 30mm cannon, 38 unguided rockets, & 8 guided missiles. DETH FROM ABOVE!!!!!!!!!
  • F-15 Eagle-another useful invention of mankind. Equipped with a 20mm Vulcan Cannon, 8 missiles, & it travels at 1,650 mph!!!!! Sadly, it cannot hover.
  • Flying Carpet-Hells yeah!
  • Statue of Saddam- when the time is appropriate make sure your on the statue as it is the fastest moving object in Baghdad.
  • "Fat Man" bomb-ever seen anyone ride on this? Well, this is the FIRST TIME you get to experience it yourself! Enjoy hours of doomsday-ish fun!!! NOTE-Dr. Strangelove mode must be on.
A luxury vehicle cruises around Baghdad.
  • Flying pink elephants-buy a few of those "stuff" from your local distributor, inhale, and these nifty things will spawn on your back yard!
  • the Popemobile-a return
  • Flying camels-ok, turn off your computer now. you're either high on crack or Hillary Duff. In the former case, go to the local rehab center. In the latter, slit your wrists NOW.
  • Iraqi police car-OK, this vehicle would be pretty dang cool if it didn't lose to an M1 Abrams. Sadly, that is the case. Avoid unless you are MacGyver
  • Tank-You can use it to destroy everything.


No weapons = no killing = no mankind. It's as simple as that.

  • AK-47-now comes in menthol and coffee flavor! Over 11 million sold worldwide! Available at your local megastore bent on world domination. Fires an oil barrel loaded with second-hand Ipods and half of the world's endangered animals.
  • M-16-almost the same as the AK-47, but faster-firing & more powerful. Can also launch grenades.
  • Handgun-not much is known about this archaic weapon, except that it's invented by a redneck who got bored of his old neighbor. And that you should keep the hole away from your head.
  • Magnum-the most powerful handgun in the world, & it could blow your head clean off.
  • Uzi-Ozzy's evil twin, separated at birth.
  • Versatile biological automated apparatus-A.K.A "Hand". Known for its versatility, thus is the popular tool for solitary pleasure.
  • Supercannon-A fuckin' h00j guided rocket launcher that can take out a group of tanks in 1 hit.
  • Fucking enormous Arabian sword-name explains everything. Press L3 to throw at a random person's crotch.
  • Weapon of Mass Destruction-although these were originally expected to be part of the game, with much media hype surrounding the games development, this was not actually implemented. There are no WMD's in Baghdad. This doesn't stop dumb players from trying to look for them anyway.
  • Rock
The game's protagonist, moments away from delivering utter destruction and instant death to the tank and its crews using a rock. Notice that someone had deliberately added an "OWNED" text in reference to the tank crews' sealed fates.

-Yes, the mythical weapon of the (not-so-mythical) Bulgarian warrior Ilajktu Jerkoff becomes a usable weapon in this game. Each of these was handcrafted by God, and has the phenomenonical ability to Kill Two Birds at Once. Throwing these at someone will result in death if the victim's lucky, or a severe rare mental illness known as IGPBARS (I Got Pwned By A ROCK Syndrome) in which the sufferer will yell "Quit it!" Incessantly until he turns into a vegetative state. Upon detonation, the Rock is also known to destroy half a large city, as had happened in Pompeii, 25 miles south of New York.-IT'S TRUE

    • It also stars in The Scorpion King, and Doom.
    • This weapon is only available upon the completion of mission #25:"Let's Sit on That Grassy Knoll and See that L337 Heatshot Lord in Action"
  • Bomb jacket-the current clothing fad sweeping over the middle east, worn by over 60% of the males. It is believed that this is caused by the "machismo effect" of the clothing. In this game, you can pull the ripcord just like a parachute, which will express-mail you to the land of 40 male virgins. No, not the nursery home you sick bastard.


The main protagonist. Expectedly kickass, and also expectedly has a Moustache of Death, although in the course of the game the player can opt for the Beard of Death or the Pubic Hair of Death instead. Recently diagnosed as having "camelophilia". Let's not talk about that.

the Pope vowed to never pronounce his full name. I followed suit.

Qasim Rijad Al-Samini
Abdul's "best friend". At least he's not a camel (or so I thought he wasn't). Like 90% of the human population, he likes to sniff crack. His other hobby is getting shot, preferably in the tender backside.

Yul Strokeet Al-Waatch
A male stripper and goat rapist that helps Abdul climb up into Barbara Streisand's vag and this subsequently enables him to fight the demon-spitter. Yul sacifices his balls to let Abdul be transported from Baghdad to out of Shaquille O'Neal's asshole. Likes to sniff crack.

Mustaf Herod Upyur Poupr
Yul's prison bitch. In prison, he was a new fish in the pond, and he was brutally anal-raped by a brute chieftain. He used to be MC's prison bitch, but he was contested over by Markus Fenix very often. He once said something very heartfelt to the both of them, which resulted in the two rivals getting brutally raped by Tartarus in their mouths. They both got maternaty leave, and finally left Mustaf alone. Yul and Mustaf met each other in the shower and have been best fuck-buddies ever since. Although his past is extensive, he has no purpose in the story at all, except for eating salted cocktail peanuts off the floor at the local Hooters. He misses Yul's balls very much. Likes to sniff crack.

I-Zheet M-Drurz
A leader of a rival gang, called the Hamina-Hamina-Hamina-Hamina-Pow'right-In'the-Kissehkt, that tries to smuggle huffed kittens into the secret hideout of the demon spitter in Barbara Streisand's vag to stimulate the oncoming of the birth of the best Korean Microsoft engineer of all time, Hitachi Toyota. Zheet has a large collection of Die-Hard companions, especially one--Hous Bin Pharteen, and HIS close companion, I-Bin Pharteen. All of which are also targeting gas refineries nation-wide. Likes to sniff the Kraken.

Deh Diq's
A nother gang that is a rival. They r reputed to have truble speling. 1 ember is namd Yul-liq-M'Diq, who is the 134D34. A nother gui is Yoou-Wana-M'Diq, and odder is Youu-Suqua-M'Diq. Dey be' tinkin dat dey be jamaican, but dey don know hou dey is. Stuped Molafockas. Likes to sniff crack from a shisha.

The Turban Brothers
The Turban Brothers are Baghdad's answer to the Super Mario Brothers. They outnumber them 3 to 2. The oldest is Mitur Binesderty, the middle aged one is Miketur Binestderty and the younger, sexier one (from Russia/GrueLand, oddly enough,) is Yuritur Binesderty. They are just as badass. Instead of gettin rly big and punshing some brix, they use their stolen F-Zero racers to bring down the house. Surprisingly, they are all voiced by Brock Lesnar. Likes to sniff Italian crack.

A very funny multimillion dollar millionaire from UK that poses as a Kazakstani reporter that fucks his sister and has a retarded brother, Bilo, that he unleashes on Baghdad. Hilarity ensues. NOT.

A dark tall and handsome feller, taunts the local jews with his one ring to rule them all. Abdul visits him frequently, asking if there need be any Teletubbies, or Care-Bears that need to be dispatched with a chainsaw. Likes to sniff pot.

General Reeves
The commander of the United States of Zimbabweland army in Iraq, which in turn leads the Coalition army (which in turn leads Martian slaves) in Operation Iraqi Freedom (Known as Operation Iraqi French outside America). Some fans complain that he's too tough of a boss character to beat, bullet dodging and kungfu and all, but some hardcore gamers have found a surefire way, which is by repeatingly shoving a finger to his ass, made possible by the elusive spawn jetpack code. Damn this game's philosophical.

Oh yeah, he likes to sniff crack, too.

George W. Bush
Occasionally visits Iraq to see his puny underlings at work (and sometimes for the cheap camels). Killing this guy will result in a time paradox leading to an alternate universe where apes never evolve into human

Osama Bin Laden
A terrorist who is so evil, he will be the Player's Partner, he was the boss of 9/11.


As obligatory sex scenes are for Jude Law, you can't call a game Grand Theft Auto before it has controversies.

The Llamas Controversy[edit]

A llama community, the Llama First! has filed its protests against Rockstar Games in reaction to a mission in the game, entitled "Let's hump those llamas for a change, then eat them for dinner", where the player must ride camels to get to Llamaland and shoot the shitfuck out of kill as many llamas as possible, rendering the mission's name irrelevant. Pedro Alvarista, the spokesllama of the group, claims that "Llamas are camels, too" and demand that Rockstar change the mission into something less "indecent in llama portrayal". Rockstar has apologized to the llama community and has since changed the said mission in every new retail copy into "Let's crash these commercial airliners into those tall buildings-then have a hot coffee". This change has so far proven uncontroversial.

The Swastika Controversy[edit]

Some concerned parents have also protested to Rockstar for their excessive portrayal of the swastika and the Necrophile with Funny moustache in the game. Rockstar refused to surrender, claiming that the portrayals were necessary to accurately depict the situations in the game's setting at that particular timeline.


She walked into the room and just looked at him. He looked back, taking in her full beauty. He couldn't stop himself from walking over to her, grabbing her around the waist, and kissing her. They kissed gently at first, but then they fully engulfed each other with thier arms and the kiss grew more passionate and deep. They loved the taste and feel of each other's tounges pressing against theirs. She felt herself walking backwards and leading them until her back was up against the kitchen counter. He lifted her up so she was sitting on the counter, and they never broke their kiss. They stopped and pulled away, each staring into the other's eyes. She looked down and began to unbotton his shirt. He tore it off and reached to remove hers. He lifted it over her head and started kissing her again, passionatley. He pulled her off of the counter and they made their way to the bedroom, stopping against a few walls along the way to kiss each other more. They tumbled onto the bed, and he stopped kissing her so that he could unbutton her jeans and pull them off. She did the same to him, and he proceeded to undo her bra. He tossed it aside, and pulled her panties away too. She flipped him over so that she could be in control, and she took off his baxers and threw them to the side. She kissed his lips, then moved her mouth down the smooth expanse of his muscular chest, made her way past his stomach and finally began to suck on his penis. His dick was so huge that her entire mouth and both hands couldn't even come close to covering it completely. He moaned with joy as she rubbed and sucked, feeling the pleasure building up inside of him. She stopped before he came, though, because she had to have more of him. She mounted him and let his 9-inch-long, 3-inch-across cock penetrate into her wet vagina. She moved herself up and down, and their pleasure built up even more. He rolled them over so he could take over, pushing hard and fast. He kissed her in rhythm with his thrusts, driving her insane with pleasure. He knew he was on the brink of cumming, but he held it back, desperately wanting to give her an orgasm. He reached his hands up and massaged her breasts in the same rhythm as his kisses and his deep penetrations. They would swallow each others groans of pleasure into their kisses. She felt her pleasure building up, as if she were ready to explode. His penis then hit her g-spot and she came, felling waves of pleasure coarse through her entire body. She screamed his name with pure joy, and he finally let himself cum into her. He pulled out, kissed her once more, and then lay beside her. She turned to face him, and decided that she wasn't done just yet. She kissed him softly, then reached her hands down and took hold of his dick. He breathed heavily as she began to rub it gently. she reached one hand into a drawer of the bedside table and got some lube. She put a good amount into her hands, and then took hold of his penis again. She started slowly rubbing at first, allowing him to get hard again. She picked up the pace as his cock curved up to her, wanting more. His glans turned bright red, and she began to go in a circular motion aroung the top of his penis, he begged her for more, moaning and gasping and breathing heavily. She tickled the underside of his cock, and gently fluttered his balls. He could barely take the torture, but he knew he was lost in her rhythm. He cummed everywhere, but he was still hard, so he rolled them over and started banging her again. She came even harder the second time, screaming with pleasure as the orgasm rocked through her body. he pulled out and laid beside her and they fell asleep spooning, exhausted from their best sex ever.

The ESRB Rating Controversy[edit]

The ESRB, tired of Rockstars Bullshit, just gave a simple rating that every person can understand.

So True.

See Also[edit]

Grand Theft Auto
The Lost Games Lego Island | Cosmo | Poop City | Tatooine | Television City | Television City 2 | Television City 3 - The Wrath Of Dob
Grand Theft Auto III era III | San Andreas | San Andreas Stories
Grand Theft Auto: We're Running Out of Ideas era Hill Valley | Theft Under A Thousand | Beirut | New Orleans | Vatican City | Vatican City Stories | Antarctica | Somalia
Currently in Production Jerusalem | Norway | Philippines | Santiago
Non-canonical Grand Theft Audio | Grand Theft Election: Bush v. Gore