Grand Theft Auto: Mercenaries Of England

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Grand Theft Auto: Mercenaries of England is the newest GTA game as of 2009.


Niko Bellic in the game.

The game starts off with Jack Myall, the protogonist and a mercenary, returning from Iraq to his hometown of Fiddlers Green, Sussex. He meets up with his Brothers, Berk, Tom, and Twiggly Myall and they head of to the nearby pub, The Chav and Burberry. Whilst there, they meet Twiggly's Boss, Hugh Jass. He is drunk and he tells Jack to " Suck It", and throws a hotdog, a packet of Crisps, and a dildo. Jack is obiously pissed, and a barfight follows. With a bruised ear, a black eye, and dildos up his nose, Jack swears his vengence. Soon after, Jack catches up to Hugh and Burns down his mansion. Hugh escapes by Train to London. Little did he know that Jack was on the train! They both fight and the conductor throws them off the train... at Sheffield. After 4 days of wandering around, he comes to a wharehouse owned by Niko Bellic and asks him for help. He aggrees, and Jack Rounds up more Mercenaries from nearby cities. About a Month later, Jack is in London, and finds Hugh at a Male Strip club They fight. The end. How could it be any simpler?


Jack being run over by Hugh. Like I said, Jack WILL get his vengence

Jack Myall[edit]

The main Protagonist. Jack is a British Mercenary with a Scottish accent. He fought in Belfast, Iraq, Canada, and once killed Mr. Bean. He owns a Lada and is the owner of a Private Military Company, "Safeguard UK". He is a Kleptomaniac and loves destruction. He wears a Black Tank top under a Gray button-up shirt and green pants

Hugh once wrote a book under the name of "Hitler"

Hugh Jass[edit]

The Antagonist. Hugh is the head of GigantaMegaCorp Rail, a parody of Virgin Trains. He can be killed, not killed, or be a slave at the end of the game. He has a cube-shaped head and wears a suit everywhere. Strangeley, Accucortments made a toy figure that looked like him: [1]

Berk Myall[edit]

Jacks Brother and best friend. He helps you out during missions by telling you what to do Via Headset. If you have your Laptop, he will do the same Via Webcam. He is a geek and collects model trains. He is also Jack's secretary, which is odd since he is a guy...

Twiggly's last monments on a hiking trip before being sniped by Hugh. RIP.

Twiggly Myall[edit]

He isn't very important, as he works for Hugh. He is only in the game to make The Player feel smarter. He works in marketing at GigantaMegaCorp.

Tom Myall[edit]

A filthy, filthy Emo hippie that Jack hates. Strangely, he is a good chef and is a medic. He is a huge Rodger Walters fan, and Jack abuses him everyday for this.

Other Characters[edit]



This is the official trailer. Saddly, some Dumbass Wanker changed the name to "Oh no you didn't GTA 4 style" and replaced everybody with humans, but still...

Short List of Vehicles[edit]

Leaked footage of Jack attempting to run over Hugh


  • Huffing kittens will give you %100 health
  • Hitler can be seen blowing Hugh during the last mission.
  • The theme song is Protect and Survive by Runrig done Punk-Rocker style.
  • There are Over 9000 places to go and people to Visit.
  • You can visit your Grandmother. She gives you Cookies filled with cocaine. A true gangster!
  • Everybody except Oscar Wilde are Stick figures.
  • You can visit an Ikea store, and if you escape, you win $1000
  • You can find Grues. But if you capture and tame one, you can ride him like a bike.
Grand Theft Auto
The Lost Games Lego Island | Cosmo | Poop City | Tatooine | Television City | Television City 2 | Television City 3 - The Wrath Of Dob
Grand Theft Auto III era III | San Andreas | San Andreas Stories
Grand Theft Auto: We're Running Out of Ideas era Hill Valley | Theft Under A Thousand | Beirut | New Orleans | Vatican City | Vatican City Stories | Antarctica | Somalia
Currently in Production Jerusalem | Norway | Philippines | Santiago
Non-canonical Grand Theft Audio | Grand Theft Election: Bush v. Gore