Grand Theft Auto: Somalia

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Grand Theft Auto: Somalia
GTA Somalia sm.jpg
Developer(s) Rockstar
Publisher(s) SPC (Somalia Piracy Corp.)
Engine Internal combustion engine
Release date(s) September 11, 2010 (US and Japan), December 21, 2012 (Europe and Australia), Sometime after the apocalypse? (Africa)
Genre(s) Action, Violence, Theft and Shooting
Mode(s) Easy (Young Soldier), Medium (Rebel General), Hard (Somalian Government), Shit/Hardcore (Pirate)
Rating(s) M for Mature (US), 16+ (Europe), MA15+ (Australia), 20+ (Japan)
Platform(s) PS1, PS2, [[]], [[]], 360, Gamecube,Wii, Dreamcast
Media(s) Betamax, VHS, Pirated Betamax, Pirated VHS, Pirated CD, Pirated DVD (Pirated HD-DVD and Bluray coming soon)
System Requirements Intel Pentium Processor 150mhz, 16MB of ram, 25MB hard-disk space
Input Hardcore

Grand Theft Auto: Somalia is a game in the Grand Theft Auto series that is coming soon in 2012 for the PS2, PS9, PC, PS3, Wii and the XBOX 360 in the USA and Japan, in 2012 in Europe and Australia. Unlike previous incarnations of Grand Theft Auto games, you start with a six-star wanted level. No matter what you do wrong - even if you're minding your own fucking business and happen to bump a passing pedestrian, the six star shit pops up. The producers took action against people who sold illegal copies of the game, often referred to as 'Grand Theft Auto: Somalia - Pirate Edition'.

Grand Theft Oil Tanker: Somalia is a planned expansion to the game, to be released sometime in 2026 and will only available only to those on XBox (those fucking retards) and Nintendo Game Boy. Yes the original Nintendo Game Boy with the black and white shitty LCD screen.

The series will be followed up by Grand Theft Auto: Somaliland' where you fight for independence against pirates, warlords, waryas and bahals. This game is predicted to be officially released in late 2010 for the Xbox 360 and Playstation 3.

Synopsis[edit]

It all started back in the 1960s when the Somali people were separated in 5 different regions in which thereof the Italian Somali region also known as Somalia became a place of corruption, piracy and warlord hardcore gangbanging. The other major area was the British Somali region also known as Somaliland [not part of the game]. Below is a detailed overview of the game.

In the game follows the story of Ali Jumanji Bintobo Awanga Jones, or just "AJ" for short, a drug addict war veteran who starts his life in the game digging his way out of prison... oh wait, my bad... that was his apartment... and finds himself whisked away on a piece of shit seagoing tug along with 45 other nameless fuckers. His job is to hijack the biggest motherfucking ships in the world. The job is pretty easy after he finds and takes out the 2-mile long ship RS Oilybastard and kick the crew's pansy asses which consists of only 3 fat gay british men and a crew of 58 twelve-year-old-boys with dildos in tea boxes... hmmmmmm...

As AJ takes the prize back to home port, he suddenly finds his shit being blown up by three US warships and he makes a daring escape. Swimming back to port Ely, and near death, he is rescued by a mysterious woman named Aria, who removes her burka and sports an AK-47. After fucking on the oil-spilled beach, she takes AJ to see her father, General Mumbuta, a powerful warlord determined to conquer the anarchist shithole of a country. Mumbuta is angered that AJ stole his daughter's virginity and threaten to cut his balls off and feed them to him. AJ however, does some psycho Bruce Lee shit and after he kicks all Mumbuta's guard's asses he sees AJ's potential and offers him a way to repay him for fucking his daughter. The mission also promises riches and glory and all AJ has to do is become a tool and run some jobs for Mumbuta down in Mogadishu.

Once in the town the carnage begins as Mumbuta's missions, even though they are all legit courier jobs, somehow all end with AJ having to blow up shit and killing all the rival warlords in the city. More side missions include fucking killing as many innocent people as possible and avoid getting STDs which is hard because AJ likes to fuck everything he sees.

Killing all the city's homeless unlocks this sweet ride. You have about 7-million to kill so don't expect it early in the game.

Eventually, the true theme of the game comes into play... steal cars... if AJ can find one that works that is. His first set of sweet wheels is something that is obviously not a late 80's Mercedes Benz but looks just like one, and amazingly it's found intact and not riddled with bullet holes, but unfortunately AJ gets about 20 feet in it before it runs out of gas. Fortunately, AJ soon meets up with a bunch of nomad camel drivers and procures one of them fine ships of the desert. Once AJ has the beast inhale two pounds of blow it puts on the phat speed and he reaches the city in no time.

Once in Mogadishu AJ can find some other forms of transportation. For a few drive-bys he runs his former war buddy Claude (whose legs were blown off by a landmine) around in a wheelbarrow and guns some motherfuckers who owes him money down. In a back ally, AJ strikes gold can pimp around town in a Trabant painted green and pink. Eventually he scores a sweet Toyota Sprinter (but must do 36 drop off missions where you deliver chickens around town) and finally a phat purple Fiat!

As a side bonus, if you kill all 7-million homeless people that are hiding in various refuse dumps around town you get a sweet armored golfcart-looking vehicle to drive around in. This is similar to GTA IV, where if you kill all 200 "flying rats" to get the Annihilator helicopter.

If you're feeling daring, try stealing the former soviet tanks you can find rolling over huts around town. Or better yet, jack the UN peacekeepers and steal their Blackhawk helicopters. You may get lucky and actually manage to steal it before you bleed to death.

Ending[edit]

Eventually AJ finds out that Mumbuta is really his father and Aria is his sister. But that doesn't matter to AJ as he's flying high and racking in the dough. After a few more rape/fisting missions are carried out he finds out Claude is really his brother and he was is kidnapped by a rival warlord and raised as his son. After AJ and Claude celebrate their reuniting they decide to kill their father Mumbuta who has been fucking with their heads and leading them on all this time.

AJ steals Aria's AK-47 and guns Mumbuta down. After fucking his Aria again, he and Claude must escape Mogadishu as every motherfucker who has a gun is now after their asses. The get away isn't too hard as most of the population of Mogadishu is dead anyway. After escaping the city, the brothers decide to go to Nigeria and set up a internet 409 scam racket, but last second Aria, not pregnant with AJ's baby, shoots his ass in the head and cuts Claude's arms off rendering him unable to feed himself and he eventually dies, becoming just another corpse on the street.

After all above have occurred the game will end with a video clip showing US backed Ethiopian military forces entering Somalia. This is the prologue for the next GTA edition called "GTA: Somaliland" where the there will be totally new and sexy Isaaq clan characters saving Somalia's life.

Differences to other GTA games[edit]

- Whilst in the region of Mogadishu, for the first time in a GTA game you can ride the numerous wheelbarrow and horse routes around the area.
- Bartering is allowed throughout the game in the illegal markets of Mogadishu and the slum areas of Ely. You can also buy weapons and guns there.
- Going for the "politically correct" approach, the game's main character has AIDS to bring a new awareness to the disease. This is also how it is going to get round the hideous racism in the game.
- It is important to note no sponsoring has gone into this game, despite the fact all characters are wearing Nike Air II's, available at a Sports World near ASDA.
- Instead of gaining health through eating at restaurants or getting armor, you get health from packs of corn feed falling from Red Cross planes and portable hospitals sent by the Doctors Without Borders foundation.

Weapons & Food[edit]

One of the cars available in GTA Somalia. The other ones are a Mercedes-Benz-looking car that you don't get to drive, some piece of shit late-80's Toyota, and a shopping cart.

Rifles and Pistols[edit]

  • Uzi
  • Magnum P.I.
  • Walther PPK aka Bastoolad
  • AK47 aka Xabada ugu weyn
  • Dragunov
  • Garoon
  • Middi
  • Hoobiyow

AK 47

High-Risk Weapons[edit]

  • Vulcan Cannon
  • Missile Launcher
  • Anthrax
  • RPG-7
  • Dacas
  • Garbo-Saar
  • Biyo-Kuleel

Food[edit]

  • Anjeero +20 health
  • Baasto Macaan +90 health
  • Baasto Forno +60 health
  • Bariis and mos +40 health
  • Suqaar +75 health
  • Fried chicken +100 health
  • Cambuulo restores health completely
  • Mufo +30 health
  • Soor +50 health
  • Xalwo temporary invisibility
  • Jaat slow motion effect

Cheats[edit]

  • WaryaKalay = Gang members follow you
  • Dofar = Weapon Set 1
  • Madaxweyn = Weapon set 2
  • nanac = Weapon set 3
  • NayaKalay = Ladies follow you
  • Dijaaradqatar = Jetpack
  • Naya = 100% health & Armor
  • DOONTI AAWE = Spawn a ship
  • gariigacaan = Spawn a wheelbarrow
  • America!!! = Raise wanted level [6 stars]
  • USSR= spawn rusty Lada
  • Ihavebassport = remove wanted level
  • QaxootiWaaye = unlock alternative ending
  • Naija= 100,000 niara
  • H20 = Drink of muddy water
  • WaryaAamus = unlock hidden tracks


Music[edit]

Music is restricted to music from before the 1990s and traditional music in Somalia. Sunrise FM and Muqdisho FM are the two legal radio stations in Southall. The rest of them are illegal and are used by underground movements such as the one you're in, the Somaliland Rebellion Front.

Sunrise FM[edit]

  • Ai mere pyaare vatan- Prem Dhawan
  • Ab ke baras bhej bhaiya ko baabul- Shailendra
  • O khaike paan banaras wala- Anjaan
  • Chaiyya chaiyya- Gulzar
  • The Ultimate Warlord- The Immortals
  • Walk The Night- The Skatt Bros.
  • In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida- Iron Butterfly
  • Futto daad oo sheeq- yasser khan
  • iis waas- sagal ali

Muqdisho FM (99.9)[edit]

  • Touch it, Ii taabo- Odey Shirwac
  • Kita Kita Ko M'ola, King Sunny Ade
  • Mama Africa- Akon
  • Wake up Fire- Maroon 5
  • East African Boy- Estelle
  • Kill You Again- Miley Cyrus
  • Maneater- Nelly Furtado

Grand Theft Auto: Somalian Piracy[edit]

This is a new game in the works, and is planned to involve oil tankers, pirates and ransom demands. Coming soon in 2016 in North Ameirca and Europe, and Japan and Australia in 2018 for the Wii, PS5 and Xbox 1080

The unperson Grand Theft Auto: Somalia never existed and was a fabrication perpetrated by Emmanuel Goldstein.
Memories of Grand Theft Auto: Somalia shall be corrected doubleplusgoodwise by Miniluv.

Cover Art[edit]

Grand Theft Auto
Games
The Lost Games Lego Island | Cosmo | Poop City | Tatooine | Television City | Television City 2 | Television City 3 - The Wrath Of Dob
Grand Theft Auto III era III | San Andreas | San Andreas Stories
Grand Theft Auto: We're Running Out of Ideas era Hill Valley | Theft Under A Thousand | Beirut | New Orleans | Vatican City | Vatican City Stories | Antarctica | Somalia
Currently in Production Jerusalem | Norway | Philippines | Santiago
Non-canonical Grand Theft Audio | Grand Theft Election: Bush v. Gore

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