Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City

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The cover of Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City, in stores soon.

Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City is the latest version of the popular Grand Theft Auto series of revenge-fantasy-for-the-impotent computer games.

Game synopsis[edit]

The main charcater, St.Dazz "The Handsome Man" Atherall, is a priest on a mission. Set up by Elder Josea Canto Marluxia in the Church in New York, Father Caseareo has been framed for drinking all of the sacremental wine. Now to clear his name, Caseareo must follow a trail of bread (literally) that will lead to the real perpetrator and take him from the New World to Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City, available for the Nintendo DS and the Xbible 360 and the Sony PSP plus the PS3 (dont ask...)

It's not just another great game! This time it's not in Londono, San Fransisko, Miammim, nor New Old New York! Take on the Vatican! Jack the Pope Mobile! Avoid drive-bys by rival Protestants and Mormons as they try to "Bible thump" yo' ass! This time, no one comes back; everyone goes to purgatory! No ambulances, just Pope Mobiles, Pope Mobiles and more Pope Mobiles! No uzis, just holy water and Pope Mobiles and Holy Handgrenades! No pimps and prostitutes, justs priests and altar boys! Will he meet the Pope? Play and see! Round up the altar boys for good old fashioned violence in the name of God! Simon Chu is a chinky bastard

Gameplay[edit]

REMO 1 Darn Atherall


You also play as a gay priest who wants to build his own gay theme park over the Vatican, and named it St. Peter Rectangle, which is actually an octagon, so he needs to control all the hookers and turn them into travesti-unshaved-religious-construction-workers. Among the challenges you will face are keeping your stock of Holy Water at healthy levels, molesting churchboys, collecting enough Relics to purchase Indulgences and the endlessly diverting task of attending not one, not two, but three masses a day! You will also be able to buy furniture for your own church.

There are lots of different things to decorate your church with. A brief list:

  • Holy water sprayer against evil bugs and other insects (the holy water is so toxic that Instantly kills any organic life form)
  • Holy furniture (Beds, jacuzzi and other stuff)
  • The Cross (against evil heterosexual people)
  • Catholic Boys (wink wink)
  • Strippers (Accessories such as stripper poles and G-strings sold separately)

Soundtrack[edit]

Classic and original songs by Daft Punk, Iron Maiden, Madonna, Marduk, Elton John, Boyz II Men, Coolio, Robert Plant, William Shatner, Mozart, Electric Mayhem, AC/DC, The Village People, The Alma College Kiltie Marching Band, Michael Jackson, Samael, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Guns N' Roses, Cristina d'Avena, Status Quo, Pink Floyd, Toploader, Aretha Franklin,Black Sabbath, Rush, Barbra Streisand, Men at Work, Slayer with Andrea Bocelli, The Residents, Elvis Presley, Metallica, Ringo Starr, Baron von Baron, Rolling Stones, Steely Dan, L. Roy Tippet, The Dead Milkmen, Dr. Dre, Belphegor and Britney Spears. The Internet teaser features Robert Mitchum's timeless classic "I learn a merengue, mama".

Critical Reviews[edit]

This game has won a Jesus Award
Vatican Flag as it appears in the game
Widely played at the annual Vatican E-Games

“(catching his breath) This games is so realistic, it's like I'm running for my life.”

~ A guy running in the Vatican

“What, no candies? But i still love it! The Pope looks hot; I bet he is hung like a horse!”

“I did not have sex with this game disk, but if I could fit it in there I definitely would!!, 10 out of 10!”

“Not as good as my life story, but its still god, I mean good.”

“It was very long and hard, but extremely satisfying.”

~ Your mom on What I did to her last night

“(pops outta nowhere) Save the nuns. Save the world (vanishes into nowhere)”

~ Hiro Nakamura

“Absolutely fabulous! This game totally revolutionizes the entire world of gameplay AND the Vatican!”

~ TIME

“Some of the nuns in here are the hottest nuns I've seen since Naughty Nuns 9!”

~ Porno Monthly

“I love this shit!”

~ Blue Sprited Sun

“My wife is black!”

“I didn't do it, but I wrote a book on how I would do it, even though I didn't do it.”

“The best waste of time since kitten huffing! Blasphemous fun!”

“I have never played a more bloody cool game! I love to shoot nuns! Way to go, game!”

~ Neo

“I love this game so much im giving everyone in the audience a copy!”

“I'll have incestial relations with my daughters if you buy this game!!!?”

~ Joe Simpson

“I pity the fool who doesn't kill a grandma for bonus points ”

“If perhaps there were a game that would come as close as possible to emulating the real life Vatican City, this is the one.”

~ God

“Best Grand Theft Auto game ever, with a twist!”

~ The Gerst

“(jumping on couch) I love this game!”

“Whoa. I know kung fu, but this is ridiculous.”

“Grand Theft Auto? I think I can speak for everyone when I say we'd much rather play a good old fashion game of Pong.”

“Goddamn, this game is bat shit crazy!”

~ Nathan Thompson

“Absolutely perfect. 100 percent yes. I loved it.”

“Fuckin' BLAM! I fucking' love this game, I get to fuckin' shoot some bloody, homosexual wogs and theres no fuckin' consequences.”

~ Chopper Reid

“ I can finally teach those fucking Catholics for a lesson for not listening to my thesis'. A four out of five.”

"THIS GAME SUX!!!!!!!!!!!!shift+1111111onehundredelevencos(0)"

~ 90 percent of the people on GameFAQs

“"BOOM NIGGA BOOM!!!!!!! , I PREFERED MY GAME HOMEBOY!!!!". ”

~ CARL JOHNSON FOOL!!

“ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING VATICAN ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING CITY! EVERYONE STRAP IN! We're about to pwn those cocksuckers.”

“O.K., you motherfuckers have gone too far this time!”

“I'm Batman. I once threw a bus full of nuns into a pool of Holy Water and drowned them.”

~ Batman, talking about his typical Friday night activities

“It's true. He did. I was there!”

~ Robin, confirming Batman's nun murdering rampage

Vehicles[edit]

Like every Grand Theft game, there is a vast assortment of vehicles to hijack. These include:

  • Eric
  • The Popemobile (Impossible to get without cheating; Cheating, however, is one sin the Pope approves of)
  • Crazy Taxis
  • The Oscar Wilde Wienermobile™
  • Black 1983 GMC Van
  • Moon Buggy (in a special hidden easter egg referring to Grand Theft Cosmo.)
  • Black Sabbath's Tour Bus
  • A Boeing 787
  • Berlusconi's car
  • That sleigh in this site's logo, but only during the holidays.
  • An AH-64D Apache helicopter
  • Mrs. Butts
  • A Giant Elephant
  • a Motherfuckin' plane filled with Motherfuckin' snakes
  • another popemobile
  • The Bandit's Trans-Am
  • possible inclusion of a third pope mobile
  • don't count on a fourth popemobile; they ain't cheap
  • don't even start with a fifth one.
  • Coffin-Bomb Car
  • T-34 battle tank.
  • KITT from Knight Rider
  • A runaway ferris wheel
  • The batmobile (without all the blasphemous weapons)
  • An erect penis
  • a sixth popemobile
  • Hotring Popemobile,of course
  • Your Mom (She's a drivable tank, that shoots out cum)
  • the A-Team Van
  • A red car
  • The Mamma Mia! tour bus
  • A Delorean
  • Bloodring Popemobile
  • Rusted Geo Metro with huge spoiler and fartcan exhaust pipe
  • Catholic Church Boys: Good for riding...

Weapons[edit]

The best is the Holy Hand Grenade. Others include

Basically every other item that is picked up can be used as a weapon.

The Gangs[edit]

Like every other Latino, African, Indian, Asian-american game, there are various gangs:

  • Swiss Guards (Nothing to be afraid of. All they got are Swiss Army knives with tweezers, maybe the occasional rifle. As a lootbox item, you can upgrade them with halberds which give nasty scalp wounds.)
  • Atheus (A.K.A. The Real Rightous)
  • Evangelics (A.K.A. The Nun-Believers)
  • J**s (A.K.A. KILL EM 'OI!)(I got to do it!)
  • tourists (A.K.A. Oh, that corpse is interesting!)
  • Jesuits (A.K.A. Don't worry, we'll send you to spread the word in Asia)
  • The Inquisition (with free red robes and a licence to burn; you never expect them)
  • the Curia (push paper for Jesus!)
  • Gay Pride (A.K.A. SMACK EM, THEY WILL CRY LIKE GIRLS)
  • Mormons (push 'em off their bikes)
  • Bronze Moslems (a hard-core drug-peddling gang of non-believers)
  • 'Normal' Clergy (Become a Bishop, then a Cardinal! Wear your very own red hat! Even bribe your fellow cardinals into voting you the next Pope!)

ESRBRating[edit]

It has been rated M++2 for the following reasons.

  • Drug references and actual usage of drugs(holy water).
  • Tears of blood(brought on by over consumption of holy water).
  • Alcohol use (Irish priests).
  • Pedophilia (celibacy is a requirement).
  • STD's(not visible in game).
  • Alcohol use (the game actually comes with alcohol).
  • "Bad words" (not for any "mature audiences" - dorks over age 18).
  • Religious references.
  • Ethnic stereotypes (I-talians, Asians and Haitians).
  • Violence.
  • Kitten Huffing.
  • Exaggerated amounts of following things: Crack, holy water, kittens, abortions, gays, the Pope and DaVinci (he's on crack, like any artist).
  • comes with large amounts of fat chicks
  • Your Mom.
  • Jews.
  • Jesus. *Mary and Joseph (like Maria and Jose in Liberty City).
  • heterosexuals.
  • Gays.
  • Transvestites.
  • Pregnant chicks (the character has a fetish for them).
  • Duck Hunting.
  • Cross-burning (the KKK have a beef with Catholics).
  • Inquisition (here we go)...
  • and NOBODY expects the Hispanish Inquisition!
  • Sex!

Just kidding! did you honestly think it was M++2?

It's just M++ because their are no religious references.

AT ALL.

(holy water is called piss in this game and it comes in yellow not clear.)

See also[edit]

Grand Theft Auto
Games
The Lost Games Lego Island | Cosmo | Poop City | Tatooine | Television City | Television City 2 | Television City 3 - The Wrath Of Dob
Grand Theft Auto III era III | San Andreas | San Andreas Stories
Grand Theft Auto: We're Running Out of Ideas era Hill Valley | Theft Under A Thousand | Beirut | New Orleans | Vatican City | Vatican City Stories | Antarctica | Somalia
Currently in Production Jerusalem | Norway | Philippines | Santiago
Non-canonical Grand Theft Audio | Grand Theft Election: Bush v. Gore