Grand Theft Chariot: Jerusalem

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File:GTCJerusalemcover2.jpg

“Accurate to my recollection!”

~ Jesus on this game



“I do not like the way we Romans were portrayed... As violent criminals! When will America stop stereotyping us in such ways?”

~ Pontius Pilate on this game



“A very great game for your youngsters.”



“This game grasps a very adequate feel of the life and times of Jesus.”

~ an historian on this game



“I believe that this game should be played by every Christian in the world, we shall set up game rooms in the Vatican to host this game and we should free the holy land so that GTC Jerusalem can be played.”

“The play control is excellent, the graphics are great, and the action, violence, and storyline all great!”

~ Gamer Monthly on this game



Grand Theft Chariot: Jerusalem is a prequel game in the Grand Theft Auto series of video games. The game is set in ancient Jerusalem, Palestine; a city full of Romans and Jews. The year is apprx. AD 33,[1] and you play as a man named Jesus.

Storyline[edit]

File:JesusHive.jpg Jesus Christ, a middle-aged Jewish man, was recently captured and arrested by the evil, corrupt Roman Authorities of Jerusalem. This "bust" was at the behest of local high Hebrew priests. These particular Hebrew priests were very upset with Mr. Christ for having stolen their prized luxury chariot and then going for a joy ride after having gotten completely and utterly drunk on wine. Jesus has just recently escaped police custody after a long torture sequence, and fled into the ever-present (and popular) Jerusalem Underground.[3] This is the point at which you begin playing the game.


Characters[edit]

Jesus meets Pontius Pilate.
  • Jesus: A long-haired man in his mid-thirties.
  • Matthew: One of Jesus's long-term friends, and partner in crime. Recently helped Mark and John kill their other friend, Luke.
  • Mark: Another good friend of Jesus, helped John and Matthew kill Luke.
  • Luke: Is dead.
  • John: Jesus's best friend. See him for your first mission. He'll ask you to hide the body of Luke, a past associate. Stood around watching Matthew and Mark kill Luke.
  • Barrabas: A thief/treasure hunter. He was recently set free in lieu of Jesus, who was tortured. He feels that he owes Jesus one over that, so he offers weapons at a low price.
  • Pontius Pilate: A violent criminal... Prosecutor, that is. A violent criminal prosecutor working for the Roman Empire.
  • The Hamblett: A more violent criminal than Pontius Pilate. Has a devastating lazor...

Gangs[edit]

  • The People's Front of Judea: Violent opposers to Roman rule.[4] Led by Otto.
  • The Judean People's Front: Violent opposers to Roman rule.[5] Led by The People.
  • The Popular Front of Judea: Has only one member, but he is violently opposed to Roman rule.[6] Led by their one member.
  • Occultus Romanis:The Hidden Romans. A Roman resistance group made up of Romans. They have a few small tasks for you throughout the game. Led by Michaelis Morus.
  • The Police: Led by Sting.
  • NSDAP: The Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei. Leader recently killed himself.
  • Mr.Murray's Shit Talkers: What it says on the tin, a notorios gang of Christian's that are talking shit, currently have one active member. Known as a Gordon Murray, he also appears to be the leader.

Vehicles[edit]

  • Horse - fast and agile, but weak. The easiest vehicle to requisition. Easily crosses shallow water.[7]
  • Donkey - Very slow, but strong. Easily crosses some water. Easily crosses shallow water.
  • Mule - A mid-range mount. It combines mid-speed and strength. Easily crosses shallow water.
  • Ox cart - Slow and strong, much like a truck. Can cross some water water, but tends to tip-over and get swept away when crossing rivers.
  • Two horse chariot: faster than regular horse, but has a possibility to loose one of its wheels, causing accidents. Required for the chariot race bonus stage.
  • Volkswagen - The chosen vehicle of the NSDAP. There were some complaints about the historical accuracy of this vehicle being portrayed in A.D. 33, but as it was older than the developer's grandmother, they guessed it was okay.
  • Four horse chariot - faster and with the same cons of two horse chariot.
  • Six horse chariot - the fastest chariot, like a Ferrari of its time. Spotted very seldom.
  • Centurion chariot - has lateral blades on its wheels to hit targets at the sidewalks.
  • Caesar's stretched chariot - longer, slower and more armored version of centurion chariot, with a fridge bar and a small pool inside. If you manage to steal this, your police rating will instantly rise to five Centurions.
  • Arrow-proof chariot - the most powerful vehicle in the game, is only available when you are chased by Praetorian Guard (six Centurions).
  • Chevy Van - The fastest & strongest vehicle in the game. Like the Volkswagen, there were also complaints about this being in here, but the main character REALLY needed something to match the NSDAP's V-Dubs.
  • Stephen Hawking - Slow, cumbersome and small, Stephen Hawking 4.2 is a futuristic personel transporter. Many have critisised the the graphic representation of Hawking in the game, citing continuity errors. His keypad appears in 20% of scenes on the left, 35% of the scenes to the right and for the remaining 724.9% of the scenes, attached to the rear of a testicle, flying in the top-left corner of the screen. The only vehicle in the game with the ability to fly.
  • Leper Piggyback - With a small bribe you can ask leper's to give you.. A piggyback. They go from 0MPH - 30MPH in just 12min. Remember, you can take these to any repair shop and get them pimped out with a carrot on a stick to make them go to 35mph!!!
  • Ostrich- Animal used for riding by a Gordon Murray, 'tis not very fast due to the murray's weight.

Weapons[edit]

  • Nails - You start with three of these.
  • Whip of thorns - You will find this outside your hideout, a tomb outside of the main city. It is made from the crown the Romans made your character wear when he was in their custody. Not very effective for groups.
  • Gladius - A short, hand held cutting weapon. Very effective for groups of lightly armored people.
  • Pillum - A high-damage, long-range weapon. Effective at keeping enemies at bay, but not effective on groups.
  • Bow and arrow - A missile-weapon that causes high-amounts of damage and has a decent ROF.
  • Portable Greek firebombs - Small, handheld versions of Greek fire. Throw them at groups for "crowd control".
  • Wrath of God - Comes in three types. First - Locusts: A swarm of locusts covers the screen enemies lost ability to aim weapons; Second - Flood: Can only be used when raining. Jerusalem fills-up with water, all on-screen enemies die after 30 seconds; Third - FirstBornDeath - Immediately kills all of the first-born enemy sons on the screen.
  • M-16 - Uh, this was found in a trash bin somewhere. We've no idea where it came from, but it can spray bullets at your enemies in addition to frightening & confusing them!
  • RPG - You can call on your father (just so happens to be Yahweh), He will send this down from the Heavens. The only problem is once you fire this in the city, the game will instantly be over.
  • A Woman's Bra - This can be used as an armor. The metal wire located at the bottom of the cup of the bra is able to deflect flying bullets. The metal wire can also be taken out to blind your opponent, along with using the bra as a handy sling shot.
  • The Catholic Church - Activation invokes a crack squad of Catholics, many of whom infect the entire world with terminal self-righteousness. Manage to get in the way of everything you or I might consider 'fun'.
  • The Holy Hand Grenade - A very deadly weapon. A single one of these grenades can be heard for over 6miles. So yeah it's badass. Instructions: Pull out pin, Count to 3 and throw at your enemies to see a bloody mess!!!!!
  • God - thats right, you get to call up your dad using the holy mobile phone of 'holmes skillet'. he has a terrifying arsenal of lightning bolts, flaming bibles, he throws kamikaze angels, and he has a great big kick-ass fist! yeah, he whoops ass!
  • Elisha's Bears - Very powerful and versatile weapon. One needs to yell out 'go up thy baldhead' and point towards the enemy. A multitude of bears will throng the enemy, maul them to death and then eat them. The bears will then go back into the woods.

Winning the game[edit]

To win the game, you must complete all of the missions to be crowned "King of the Jews".

Bad things[edit]

GTC won this prestigious award

There are two things that will end stop the action of the game and cause you to fail the mission you are on. These things are "dying" and "getting busted".

Getting Busted[edit]

If you get arrested by the authorities, you will find yourself outside of a Roman Detention Center, short of a few coins, which were used to pay some fines and bribes.

Dying[edit]

If your life meter hits 0, then you are dead. You will wake up in front of a tomb, and three game days will have passed.

Notes[edit]

  1. None of that Common Era crap here!
  2. Never has there been a more wretched hive of scum and villainry.
  3. If you can find him, maybe you can hire The J-Team.
  4. And to The Judean People's Front.
  5. And to The People's Front of Judea.
  6. And to The People's Front of Judea. And to The Judean people's front. And to you playing this game.
  7. Not that you'd find much in the desert

See also[edit]

Grand Theft Auto
Games
The Lost Games Lego Island | Cosmo | Poop City | Tatooine | Television City | Television City 2 | Television City 3 - The Wrath Of Dob
Grand Theft Auto III era III | San Andreas | San Andreas Stories
Grand Theft Auto: We're Running Out of Ideas era Hill Valley | Theft Under A Thousand | Beirut | New Orleans | Vatican City | Vatican City Stories | Antarctica | Somalia
Currently in Production Jerusalem | Norway | Philippines | Santiago
Non-canonical Grand Theft Audio | Grand Theft Election: Bush v. Gore