Granny Smith

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Granny Smith

“I'll get you my pretties! And your little dogs, too!”

“We need more vowels. We have a shortage of vowels.”

~ The Mayor of Czgkgroznzkcz on Czgkgroznzkcz

“Nice apples.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Granny Smith

Granny Smith (born Olga Smithstein), despite popular belief, was not the Grandmother of the legendary Johnny Appleseed. Rather, she was a childless spinster who lived out her depressing days in the village of Czgkgroznzkcz (pron. "Czgk-GROZN-zkcz"), in Bosnia. She was referred to as "Granny Smith" by the local villagers as both a reminder of her increasing age, and of the fact that she could never bear children due to her past medical history. Historians believe it was this ruthless taunting by the villagers that turned Granny Smith into a bad seed.

The Plan[edit]

Legends report that Granny Smith was alone one day at the base of a tree, sobbing, when she looked up and noticed a rather peculiar green apple hanging from the tree's branches. It looked like no apple Granny Smith had ever seen before. Hoping that it was poisonous, Granny Smith plucked the fruit and bit into it. To her disappointment, it tasted sweet and delicious. It was then that Granny Smith came up with the idea to inject the fruit with poison and distribute it to all of the children in the village.

As she did this, Granny Smith whistled a merry tune in her head. The villagers, suspicious that a childless spinster would be so happy, proceeded to rush outside and beat her with their shovels, hoes, and pitchforks. When all of the implements were broken, they began pelting her with assorted cutlery. Yet, even this savage beating did not deter Granny Smith from her task and she proceeded to place an apple next to each child's house.

The plan worked to perfection and the children all became violently ill and died. However, the villagers formed a large mob and stormed her small cottage. After they had pelted her with more cutlery they carried her into the center square and demanded that the Mayor have her executed, to which he responded that Granny Smith deserved a fair trial. The villagers conceded to his demand but were so angry that they proceeded to pelt him with cutlery.

Trial and Execution[edit]

Granny Smith's trial began in the late autumn of that year. She was cleverly defended by a dual team of Clarence Darrow and William Jennings Brian. The former gave a long monologue about the unfairness of the justice systems, and society's cruel intentions of wounding further a weary old woman. The latter gave a heartfelt speech about Christian compassion, peppered with homey Southern charm. However, since the judge and the jury all spoke Bosnian, and no one spoke English, the defence was completely disregarded, and Granny Smith was sentenced to death by the electric chair.

While in her cell, Granny Smith befriended a giant black man with a special gift, and was harassed by a dictatorial warden. She also had many interviews with Truman Capote, who promised to tell her story to the world. In the end, however, Capote picked Two much more interesting subjects for his book.

Granny Smith was electrocuted twenty minutes before midnight on New Year's Eve.

See Also[edit]


In Cold Blood


Serial Killer

The Great Apple Purge


Great Apple Massacre