Grape
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The humble Grape (pl. Grapes, adj Grape-like, Grape-ish, Grape-esque) is a small, succulent fruit famous for being the primary ingredient in most wines, beers and spirits, and also enjoys the distinction of being the only known vertibrate fruit. It comes in two flavours: white and purpley
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[edit] How is am, the grape?
Glad you asked. Grapes grow on elephants, where they are harvested by French peasants and Matt Y who also enjoys the grapes, who knock the grapes off of the elephents with a long dildo. The grapes are then de-spined and bottled, then depending on the size and quality of the grape, are sent to an appropriate alcoholic beverage factory. The most juiciest, purpliest grapes are made into wine, whereas the scraggliest runty ones go to the white cider distillery.
Wait, they grow on muslims. Not elephants. I think.
Grapes can also be eaten straight from the elephant, though that way they probably won't end up being made into wine, so generally it's not worth the effort.
[edit] Grape Apes
The enigma of this spined fruit made it an obvious potential candidate for fulfilling man's ageless dream of crossing small fruit with primates. Swiss scientists managed to successfully splice grape DNA with that of the greater mountain gorilla in the year of our Lord 1992, using test tubes and stuff like that. The experiment was a great success with Dr Herzkoff Bork, the head geneticist on the project, declaring Grape Apes to be "the juiciest and purpleyest monkeys I ever ate".
[edit] Grape Nuts
The grape is a fruit, I already said that, but in 1974 the grape was temporarily reclassified as a nut by the FDA, in order to support the Vietnam war effort. This is because nuts are harder than fruits and don't go rotten as quickly, making them much more suitable for intercontinental transportation and thereby much easier to deliver to desperate grape-less troops on the front lines. When the war was over, grapes were reclassified as fruit again.
[edit] The Grape in Popular Culture
In the 1975 blockbuster Jaws, Cap'n Quint initially believes the titular great white shark to be "some kind of giant grape".
In the Seinfeld episode The Jockstrap, Jerry and George compete to see who can go the longest without shaving. Jerry wins by default when George chokes to death on a grape.
John Williams is a famous grape aficionado, and frequently attends film premieres with his face painted purple to show his love for the fruit.
Rosie O'Donnell, a revered grape lover, Once threw a ten hour long "I'm Ape For Grape" parade in which he "dressed" as a large gorilla in full Greek toga regalia, being fed bunches of grapes in a golden bath tub by lesbian slaves wearing Ann Coulter masks. The party was said to be the most vile monstrosity and abuse of power ever known to man and even made your mom run crying into the arms of evil sex villain, Tila Tequila. It lasted from 11 PM to 9 AM from June 13th to 14th 2008.
