Great Peruvian Biscuit Crisis of 2009
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The Great Peruvian Biscuit Crisis of 2009 was a catastrophic event in the baked goods industry, with far-reaching consequences in the cultural and political environment of the early 21st Century. It is considered by many to be a blatant hoax, a bad joke on behalf of the flour industry, or all just a bad dream.
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[edit] Who's To Blame
In the late months of 2008, Emo-Hitler was crowned Supreme Potentate of Peru, and as his first act of Official Holy Power declared the biscuit Peru's national foodstuff. As a result, biscuit stock worldwide shot up in value, and the biscuit found itself at the forefront of a wave of popularity and controversy. Conservative groups denounced the biscuit as representative of Hitler's tyrannical Nazi regime, the Holocaust, and generally bad fashion sense. Others embraced biscuits in an effort to pass off as counter-culture, ironic, or perhaps simply to anger their parents. International bakeries soon found themselves forced to display disclaimers to inform the general public that their biscuits were endorsed by hateful prats from South America, resulting in devastating losses in business and a dangerous surplus in worldwide flour stock.
On February 3rd of 2009, the Pillsbury Doughboy and his self-proclaimed "coalition of the tasty" declared unilateral war on biscuits, effectively banning them worldwide. Emo-Hitler had no choice but to declare all-out war on the purveyors of all baked goods, a move that has been criticized for leading directly to the Emocaust.
[edit] What Happened
Historical records are hazy on the true aftermath of the Biscuit Crisis. However, 2009 does show a marked increase in the sales of kumquats, as well as a new surge in the use of biscuits as an industrial sealant. Modern politicians are keen to make common reference to the Biscuit Crisis and Emo-Hitler's role in the Emocaust when whoring themselves out for every last vote.
The Empire of Maryland in particular suffered heavy losses during the Biscuit Crisis, though this may be blamed on their use of maple syrup as a biscuit condiment. Many Baltimorons continue to blame Emo-Hitler for the violence in recent Maryland history, though anyone with an ounce of sense can tell it's all their fault and they've no one to blame but themselves.
[edit] The Emocaust
The Emocaust began in late 2010, and was the direct result of Emo-Hitler's meddling with the space-time continuum to prevent the deaths of My Chemical Romance in a tragic boating accident in late 2007. As a result of Emo-Hitler's actions, a parallel universe was created, one in which hundreds of thousands of depressed teenagers overthrew the government of the United States of America, sparking WWIII, or, as it was later known, "The Age of the Wounds that would not Heal."
[edit] The Future Is Whiny
Until then, it was not known what horrors the Emo culture - sporting O-rings as jewellery - could propagate upon the world. Then came The Great Whining, from which The Great Gnashing of Teeth could only reel in horror. Furthermore, the Great Not Appreciating That You're A Privileged Little Rich Brat Motherfucker was realized. After that was the great Abandoning of Shitty Albums For More Adult Pursuits. The resulting rest and relaxation was to become known as "piracy" by the RIAA.
[edit] Who to Complain To
Since it is still currently 2008, you have little to worry about for another one years or so. When biscuits begin to dry up in the international market, though, you may wish to stockpile your fair share of biscuits in anticipation of this crippling period in post-history. Or you could choose to, instead, eat pancakes - they're much better for you in the long run, anyway.
