Great Vampire Sex Novels of the 21st Century
“And I thought what I wrote was smut!”
“I like vampire sex. It very nice.”
The Great Vampire Sex Novels of the 21st Century is basically a list of the smuttiest vampire stories on the market as voted by you, your mum and some guy. It first came into existence after the recent emergence and popularity of vampire sex novels on the market in the 21st Century.
First came normal, harmless vampire literature, then, with the 21st Century (the time where censorship began to mean nothing), came the smut: erotic stories disguised as classic tales of horror. Books by prolific authors in the genre such as Anne Rice, and ones new to the field such as Stephenie Meyer became very popular and thus a group of so-called intellectuals decided to congregate in a secret location and compile a list of the smuttiest, most-perverse vampire stories on the market.
What the heck makes a vampire sex story?
While there is not too much to discern a vampire sex story from a normal erotic novel there are some things to keep in mind. Firstly, vampire sex involves vampires, sometimes sexy, sometimes... Anyways, secondly, these vampires have to be having sexual or intimate relations with another vampire or a human. Thirdly, these stories may often involve high amounts of mentions to blood and heart beats. Not to be confused with heart surgery manuals. And last but not least, none of the concepts in these stories seem the least bit original and aspects are often recycled to create some highly trashy works of fiction. As most experts on vampire sex novels will agree, originality is to be avoided at all times. This is done to annoy abgrynerds at comicon who hate Stephanie Meyer.
Who the heck reads this kind of stuff anyway?
Although it may appear that you can't think of the type of people who may read this smut of the top of your head, vampire sex is a very popular genre indeed. According to the most recent Census, the statistics are astounding. There is a bigger demand on vampire sex novels than there appears on the surface.
The statistics are as follows:
5.678900% are gay men.
Just over 17% are either goth or emo.
About 0.3% are perverted old men.
2% are aspiring writers who read the stuff more for its prose rather than content.
15% belong to some sort of Satanic cult.
And the other 5% are reading the stuff because they were told to or didn't know what it was and wanted to find out but were shocked at what they read and committed suicide shortly after they finished the final chapter or Uncyclopedia writers in need of something to write their next article about.
So as you can see, there is quite a wide range of people who read these kinds of books, some on a frequent basis to the point that vampire sex scenarios dominate their train of thought and everyday life is flooded by fantasies of getting raped by hot vampires.
Some of the titles on the list are as follows:
- Vampire Heart by Ville Valo
Synopsis: Valo's adaptation of the hit H.I.M. song has been described by critics as "irresistible and hard to put down" as well as "sexy and suave prose, almost as sexy as the man himself if not more so!"
- Cirque Du Fuck by Darren Sham
Synopsis: Vampire sex for primary school children!
Synopsis: Steamy sex series disguised as teen fiction.
A girl called Bella falls in love with a vampire named Edward Cullen who - to add to all the cliches - lusts for her blood. Popular amongst teens as its explicit content goes by unnoticed by many booksellers and parents.
- Vampires Will Always Shag You by Gerard Way
Synopsis: They'll never hurt you but shagging...that's a different story!
- Harry Potter and the Vampire's Boner by JK Rowling
Synopsis: Harry and friends decide to get involved in the vampire-sex scene for an extra million or two. Surprisingly it is the only book not to even allude to Hogwarts.
Synopsis: Dracula's back, and this time in drag! The adaptation of the hit song.
- Vampire Sex...Eez Nice! by Borat Sagdiyev
Synopsis: Kazakhstan's own version of Twilight.
- A Pop-Up Book of Homo-Erotic Vampire Sex
Synopsis: More erotic excitement for the kiddies with plenty of pictures! Among the most top-rated children's books of all time.
- The list is used in schools to help teachers find books for their students to read.
- Most male vampires in vampire sex stories are actually homosexual, even though they often pretend to be straight.
- Your mom reads these sorts of books.
- The list is endorsed by this guy.