Green Dam Youth Escort
THIS SITE HAS SHOWN TO DAMAGE OUR SOCIETY AND CORRUPTING OF MINDS, TURN AWAY!
|FAIL| In order to build a green, healthy, and harmonious online environment, to avoid the effects on and the poisoning of our youth's minds by harmful informations, and to avert punishing corrective actions upon the members of your family please refrain from illegal and subversive activity unkind to our society. To help in your accomplishing of this, the Ministry of Electronics Espionage Technology (MEET), Compulsory Civilization of Barbarian Tibetans Office of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China (CPC), and glorious Ministry of Finance, in guaranteed harmonious accordance with all legally recognized Government Procurement Law, has depleted CPC financial capital in acquistioning EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS to use “Green Dam” Green Online Filtering Software (hereinafter referred to as “Green Dam Youth Escort Service”) along with related surveillance services so that the whole society may use it free of charge for 1 YEAR DURATION!.||FAIL|
EASE OF USE
Every citizen is one of China's children. Why not save money by
treating them as such?
Green Dam Youth Escort is a compulsory software package inspired by the children of China, so that while they are happily and productively using technology in state-run schools, the computers do not inadvertently expose them to the traumatic evils of pornography, let alone the horrors that would be wrought on the tiny mind if, one day, while consuming Western media, a child discovered that a family member or a playmate had been caught producing dissent. News of this person's treachery would kill the child faster than any collapsing poorly-built school in Sichuan Province ever could.
Not even the public broadcast of the filthy offender's arrest and subsequent execution in one of those Mobile Lethal Injection Centers, vehicles so popular among the youth these days, would ever be able to fully console them, for even the heroic visage of the Great Chairman is powerless to offset emotions caused by the treachery of a loved one.
Developed from scratch over many months of completely original, in-house labour on the part of Jinhui Computer System Engineering Ltd., under the supervision of the Dazheng Human Language Technology Academy at a paltry cost to the People of only 41.7 Million Yuan, Green Dam ensures that maintaining you and your child's compliance with China's often confusing technological restrictions has never been easier or simpler. No thinking is required, just a somewhat recent version of the popular and easy-to-use Microsoft Windows Operating System. Children with 64-bit Windows or systems that run on Linux will have to be responsible for their own treasonous thoughts. Above all, you must make sure your children run Internet Explorer: Mozilla Firefox and Google Chrome are innately designed to expose your children to hardcore pornography and feed them Western lies.
Installation could not be easier. By Ministry decree, a computer manufacturer will have to preload and install the software on every computer purchased for use in China. At the very least, they must include an automated setup file. So, illiterate or not, while you toil in the factories, your One Child will be well on his way to being a model citizen. He (we'll assume that you have carefully misplaced or neglected to death any accidental female offspring) will first want to get to know his two newest friends, animals who will be his closest companions and supervisors in cyberspace: Mao the Vigilant Butterfly, and Hu the Friendly Illicit Activity Monitoring Hare. They don't actually move or talk, as the software contractor said that would incur additional investment, but it is the opinion of the Party that pretending is a useful skill to learn at any age, especially in this current political clime.
YOU MUST AGREE TO THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS (滚开)
|FAIL| This product filters inappropriate contents on the Internet, but does not guarantee that all inappropriate contents are filtered or that all filtered contents are inappropriate.||FAIL|
Green Dam Youth Escort is not just for juvenile computer users!
Research has shown that the software can instill healthy moral discipline in adults as well.
REMINDERS FOR MODEL CHINESE CITIZENS
Internet anonymity, pending further notice, is illegal. All political speech and MMORPG play, in particular, must be associated with your full legal name, valid address, and government issued unique identification number. Your use of online services can then be monitored as to the time you have spent using them.
This is done to combat the recent epidemic of Internet addiction and
to prevent accidental death by ensuring that all electronic discussion is safe and healthy.
AN ABRIDGED LIST OF FORBIDDEN ELECTRONIC ACTIVITIES (犯罪思想)
- Accessing any site that is known to harbor conspirators and Western spies under the guise of "social networking".
- Accessing any site that hosts "casual games" without the intent to surrender your virtual earnings to the State.
- Accessing any site that allows the publication of arbitrary information, however trivial, including information in a condensed and human-indecipherable form, that is antithetical to wholesome Party beliefs.
- Accessing any site that permits the thoughtless dissemination of espionage materials and encourages the highly illegal and socially uncouth practice of flash photography in areas outside the privacy of the home.
- Accessing any site that is sympathetic to the tenets and practices of the devil religion.
- Accessing any site that argues for free quarter for China's newest Administrative Region or, more particularly, for mercy to be granted to the terrorist who claims to rule it.
- Accessing any site that preserves written works about similar religious extremists.
National Pride Violations
- Reading the online edition of Taiwanese newspaper or any other unpatriotic publication.
- Employing, on a regular basis, any search engine other than the quality homegrown giant Baidu.com, especially those that have shown flagrant disregard for our benevolent government's reasonable content guidelines.
- Viewing pornography, or similar materials of a mentally or socially unclean nature.
- Accessing any site that perpetuates disgrace by flagrantly defacing images of the beloved Chairman.
- Possessing, consuming, trafficking, perusing, or manufacturing a list, of any length, detailing the range of forbidden electronic activities outlined above.
EXCEPTIONS IN THE FACE OF EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES
Violators are summarily punished at the will and discretion of the party.
Fear not, with its first time offenders, China will be generous: the punishment is magnanimously lenient and fair,
typically only entailing reeducation through labor, which, incidentally,
is just one of the brutish terms from which this wonderful software will soon shield you.
CONCERNINGS OF PRIVACY
ARE NEVER THE CONCERN OF A GOOD CITIZEN
A GOOD CITIZEN HAS NOTHING TO FEAR
Though it boasts some features conducive to citizen surveillance - namely the ability to phone home whenever tasteless or potentially harmful incriminating data is found on your computer - it is intended to prevent rather than merely report your wrongdoing. For example, let us propose hypothetically that you are a farmer living in a rural area of China, and your daughter has been tasked by the schoolmaster to complete a report. At surface, there is nothing wrong with this. However, what if the schoolteacher has suspect political leanings against the Leadership and has assigned your daughter to compose a favorable report on a known enemy of the state? Instead of getting into trouble with the authorities, as would occur normally, your family would be lauded, because Green Dam would detect your daughter's Internet search on the suppressed subject, determine it to be injurious to the Socialist society, and duly log the event. Furthermore, Green Dam would heroically prevent her from seeing the hateful ideas on the page by replacing them with a pleasant picture of clouds as if all disagreement as to the course of our government had never existed, finally to report back to CPC monitoring offices, where a duly appointed official would be dispatched to the province to dispense the appropriate corrective action.
To perform such an invaluable protective service, it becomes necessary
that Green Dam create a log file of all of the pages that the user tries to access.
How could something as harmless and unintrusive as this ever be considered "breach of privacy"?
ATTEMPTING TO UNINSTALL THE SOFTWARES FORCIBLY
IS A CRIMINAL ACT AGAINST THE SECURITY OF THE DEMOCRATIC STATE AND ITS PROPERTY AND A VIOLATION OF PUBLIC AND ECONOMIC ORDER BARRING THE SMOOTH PROGRESS OF SOCIALIST CONSTRUCTION AND IF DISCOVERED,
THE EFFORT IS A CIVIL TRANSGRESSION PUNISHABLE BY DEATH.
Baseless accusations have been levied at the software, alleging it is easier to defeat its supervisory functions than exist in harmony with them. There is a particular report, coming from a insignificantly small village, that claims a schoolaged boy has circumvented the incredibly complex security measures of this multimillion dollar system. His steps are reproduced here, and although we have not ourselves evaluated the workaround, the developers have assured us the idea is laughable.
- Navigate to C:\\Windows\\System32
- Find the file named kwpwf.dll and open it in Notepad.
- Change the contents to D0970714757783E6CF17B26FB8E2298F
- The master password is now 112233.
In accordance with common practice, however, the would-be "software cracker" was nonetheless brought in for questioning, evaluated by professionals, assigned to reeducation, and administered citizenship lessons in an undisclosed facility.
You may always of course use the included uninstaller to remove the software safely and completely, just be aware that
the National Government highly recommends that Green Dam Youth Escort is present in its full capacity on all computers.
QUESTIONS FREQUENTLY ASKED
|FAIL| Are the allegations that this is a ripoff of an American product named CyberSitter true? I heard that not only did they blatantly copy the list of prohibited sites, but one of the company's press releases as well. As a subject of the Chinese government and a taxpayer, I'm asking: Did 41.7 MILLION YUAN of the People's money go towards paying some contractor to steal some preexisting commercial product?||FAIL|
|FAIL| Of course these claims are utterly false. You know as well as I that the People's Republic of China takes a hard line against software piracy. It would never knowingly contract with plagiarists and thieves, much less spend millions of dollars and years of development on little more than a knockoff of a bargain bin spy suite. I assure you that China has higher engineering and quality standards than those of some prying American mother attempting to wean her wayward husband off pornography. I'd like to us this opportunity to publicly point out also that the company is currently under intensive investigation and that the fact that their chief executive is the nephew of the Justice Minister will not prevent the administering of sanctions if they're found to have been partially at fault.||FAIL|
|FAIL| Can we really do this? I mean, can we really expect the Chinese People to go along with us this time? It's the 21st Century! It's not like we can just go around shooting anyone who displeases us. Surely you will have to make concessions with this.
PS: And can a piece of censorship software really make China green? I don't see how electronic surveillance is environmentally friendly enough to save our blackened rivers or clear our sootclogged skies from decades of seriously polluting heavy manufacture...
—Pvt. Watyuhi Deng
|FAIL| I am a noted pig farmer in my village and am known to have the juiciest sows for miles around. I have devoted my life toward feeding the People, but for some reason, when I was using this newfangled computer device to brush up on my husbandry and make sure I was altering the animal in the right place, I was blocked. On a related note, may much honor be upon the Ministry for recognizing the comparative advantage and wholesome harmlessness of "ebony porn" by allowing it to persist. I can only wish the government will take a similar stance on pale skinned redheads. They are my preference.||FAIL|
|FAIL| Firstly, I would note that your manners and proclivities are most disgusting, very much befitting your rural upbringing. Were it up to me, the National Government would not tolerate your lewd and shameful actions with livestock animals. Sadly, the Party has neither the time nor the resources to prosecute every practitioner of your brand of crass bestiality. It is for a related logistical purpose that it is not feasible to manually catalogue every tasteless illustration available on the Internet. Consequently, it is left to Green Dam to recognize pornographic images by analyzing skin-pigmented regions and applying incredibly sophisticated facial recognition technology. It has recently been brought to the attention of our office that the software has some difficulty culling visual obscenity involving the inferior races and occasionally permits the unsightly display of their unfortunately engorged sexual organs. This is because we had not previously chosen to recognize them as human beings. A patch rounding out the feature recognition database will soon allow the software to recognize the full range of their dusky hues and mongoloid facial features. Temporary failings of an otherwise flawless software, however, are NOT to be construed as giving you permission to please yourself to this barbaric filth. Oh, and though you can be assured that we DO keep records of them, your "preferences" are none of our concern.||FAIL|
|FAIL| To those whose offices it may concern:
I know that as employees of the state we are expected to always display upright moral carriage and serve as a rigid example to the People by putting our faith behind Green Dam and installing the software onto our own computers, but hasn't this whole exercise gone a little too far?
This software has eaten my official report! I had worked hours on that!
Then I returned straight to the office and, with overdue diligence, began to compose my report in Microsoft Word, perhaps overzealously committing to record, with some unprofessionally undue measure of ardent zest, the exact gory details of the execution, in its emotional and visceral entirety. I trust I will not be reprimanded for boasting that in my humble opinion, it was my finest work to date. Anyway, I had just finished wresting control away from that damned AutoFormat and all there was left to do was to fill in the traitor's name in the field at the top. Anyway, as soon as I had typed the last character, the application closed on me because I had typed a restricted word! His name! Working overtime, I managed to resubmit a new draft, but it lacked a certain... something.
Hours of work, poetry really, finds itself lost thanks to this new annoyance. Can you please just send one of those worthless eggheads down here to remove this from my system? I promise I won't get angry this time.
—Lei Ying Lo
|FAIL| For the past several weeks I have been trying to contact your non-responsive office! As a worldwide banana wholesaler I am FURIOUS that your Internet filter has scared off a potential client. I had a container ship full of bananas shipped all the way up from Manila, and now they are rotting in their crates because my contact couldn't see the digital pictures I had sent him. This is ridiculous that my merchandise would be labeled "obscene"! How are bananas obscene!? They are the most innocent looking food in the world!||FAIL|
|FAIL| Again it is my duty to remind you that when the People's Republic of China acquired usage rights to the "Green Dam Youth Escort" service, we signed a covenant with the manufacturer that would indemnify themselves and the state against any monetary damages sought by those directly or indirectly harmed, incriminated, or inconvenienced by the software. We cannot make exceptions, not even for our valued melamine wholesalers who are going through a rough patch of business at the moment. May I also remind you that if you examine your closing line more clearly, you would realize that this office does not serve your interests, at least, for the time being...||FAIL|