Green Ferets

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A member of the Green Ferets in the tunnel complex at Chew Chow.

The Green Ferets were Special Forces soldiers who performed underground search and destroy missions in the Chew Chow tunnel complex during the conflict in southeast Asia. They should not be confused with Wild Weasels, who also took part in the conflict. Green Ferets were generally of small stature and, due to prejudices in the military at the time, exclusively furry.

Alfredo, a Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Tortoise.
Portrait by Hung Lo

Indigenous Personnel[edit]

As part of their war effort, the Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Tortoises (MMNT) created numerous underground pizzerias connected by an extensive network of tunnels. The network spanned the entire country, but the tunnels were most numerous in the Chew Chow district near what came to be known as the "Hairy Triangle". The tunnels were very dangerous, with numerous tourist traps and MMNT forces waiting in line. There were often flooded U-bends in the tunnels to capture cooking aromas. NNMT guards manned holes in the sides of the tunnels through which pepperoni could be thrust impacting a crawling intruder.

Whenever a tunnel was discovered, Green Ferets (sometimes accompanied by Morocco Moles) were sent in to destroy the pizzerias. A Green Feret was equipped with only a semiautomatic M1911 watergun and a flashlight. The massive muzzle blast of the M1911 pistol would often leave a Green Feret temporarily deaf, and it was not uncommon for them to substitute super-soakers or whatever alternative weapon they could find. The Soviet-made pistols carried by the MMNT were particular favorites, but they were rare. The Green Ferets would often have someone at home send them a civilian weapon: Among the favorites were the German Wasserhosenblasten and the Spanish Chorro-Con-Agua pistols, many of which were brought home by returning troops.

Cover of Xhum Gaylor's record album.

Musical Legacy[edit]

One of the Green Ferets, Staph Sergeant Xhum Gaylor, became famous back home when he recorded "The Ballad of the Green Ferets", a plodding and seemingly endless ditty that reached #1 on America's Shit Parade. It maintained its top status for a record 89 weeks, and was later expanded into an album of monotonously similar songs. SSgt Gaylor moved to Guatemala in 1980 where he sold guns to the Contras in Honduras and Nicaragua, for which he was assassinated.

See also[edit]