Greens

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Greens[edit]

This is an artist's impression of a Green wielding a chainsaw in a menacing fashion.

“Oh my god, is that Green carrying a chainsaw?! OH MY GOOODDD!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Getting owned by a manic Green.

“One of my better creations.”

~ God on Greens


Has nothing to do with Heroin.

For those of you that don't know, a green is a small blue rock that is not very talkative but still likes to be talked to. A Green makes for a thrilling pet to keep, provided that it is kept in relative light and company, it will remain happy until the day it dies. Greens enjoy walks on the beach, light conversation and afternoon tea(not to mention afternoon delight), and various forms of televisual comedy.

Above information reliably provided by God.

The intelligence level of a green is close to that of a mouse or rat, but when in groups they can build structures alike to that of humans' and cooperate together. This has lead to the assumption that greens have a sort of collective "mind", like jellyfish. Greens tend to live underground but I wouldn't suggest looking for an underground city, they have been known to kidnap humans and send them back home just after the rest of the family has eaten and/or after their favourite show has ended.If captured by a Green, you are advised to scream very loudly, throw a tantrum and ingest some form of sword.

Offspring[edit]

The reproductive cycle of a green is asexual. A green of any age can, if it has the required nitrogen amounts, reproduce itself. The loneliness of a green has a large impact in whether it shall choose to reproduce or not. It is often speculated that a green cannot reproduce if it is happy and in good company, this hypothesis has never been proven wrong or right. When a green chooses to reproduce, it consciously chooses the amount of offspring it shall have. The newly formed green personalities, created inside the parent, attatch themselves to "donated" areas of the parent's body. After a period of weeks, the new greens form and detatch to become whole new greens (NB: This usually happens when no one is watching/filming or when the Green is hit by a hammer. And yes, this is a choice made by the Green, similar in effect to the way 'Flying' Greens bring about their flying.). The parent green completely survives this process, if a little smaller than when it started off.

Sport[edit]

Greens, on the whole (Chocolate ass-cream lol), partake in a large amount of sports. There is, for instance, the NGTC, or National Green Throwing Championships, which was invented by a very mean-looking child in his back garden, and mostly involved hurling involuntary Greens at high velocities into a brick wall. This is not a widely accepted sport and the child in question is currently being pursued by aggressive Greens, the LAPD and the NYPD who will all ultimately fail, because Chuck Norris will get him first.

More common sports involve the famous sport 'Greenball'. The rules for this are as follows:

  1. Take your Green, of any size/type/sexual preference, and place it on a well-mown lawn.
  2. One by one, the other players place their contestants on the gound.
  3. Take a short tea-break.
  4. You then take it in turn to roll a ball, generally a bowling ball, across the pitch, the objective being to look like you know what you are doing in a game which you assure people is incredibly complex and worthwhile.
  5. The winning team is the team that wins.

Another sport commonly played by/with Greens is the AMAZINGLY INTENSE 'relay'. This game is identical to the more socially accepted one with the same name but is at last count around 10000000000000 times more INTENSE. This game is so INTENSE that the audience usually has to wear anti-INTENSITY goggles with which to view the event. Records of this game's INTENSITY go back to the early 1300's and the records generally record it to be very INTENSE indeed. There once was a man named INTENSITY-JONES but that bears no relevance to this sport, apart from both being STUPEFYINGLY INTENSE. The game proceeds as follows:

  1. The contestants line up, (or are lined-up) as neccessary.
  2. After the starting whistle is blown, the Greens race around the course, handing the baton onto the next team member.
  3. Any and all rules after this point have been omitted and forgotten, because a single game has yet to develop past the second stage.

This is really all the sports Greens play, although they have been known to leap onto football pitches from time to time and have a little kickabout.

Green mortality and illness[edit]

Greens survive by "inhaling" nitrogen. They take in approximately 0.000000000001% of the air's nitrogen. I say approximately because the amount is too small to measure. As a further note a lot of the air's oxygen is being used up in clown fire.

When a green chooses to end it's life,(Greens have a natural connection with life and feel that there is a preset time when they should die.) it simply becomes "inert". It takes in no more nitrogen and simply ceases to be, in a mental state. The body soon crumbles to dust in about 3,000 years (NB: this figure has had to be estimated since none of our "Greenwatchers" have lived that long).

The only disease contractable by Greens is the Green "flu".

The effects of green flu on normal Greens is that they experience a period of 2-3 seconds where they lose control of all motor functions. Green flu cannot be contracted twice.

Greens and Fighting[edit]

The average Green is a pacifist. Choosing to create life over ending it. As we all know this view is absolute bull and homocide is the way forward, but the Greens seem to think otherwise. There are some Greens, however, that persist in the cause of Maiming and Slaughter. These enlightened animals have usually been maltreated as pets and generally uphold the view that all life, specifically human life, should be eradicated. These Greens pose little threat however, as they have no appendages and only ever favour the chainsaw as a weapon.
If a Green, unarmed, of course, is pushed into a fight, it will adopt it's race's signature stance: The Lifeless Rock. This stance is a form of martial arts created by Greens in the interest of preserving their culture, and is intended to completely dumbfound the opponent, allowing the Green to escape. Obviously the great Green sages who created this were at the time apparently unaware that they had no limbs, or could not move. They were also under the impression that seeing an immobile blue rock would stun their opponent. On the whole Greens are not very clever, although they are the infamous inventors of fast food.

Types of Greens[edit]

There have been many sightings of Greens throughout time, and they have rarely been documented due to the level of ignorance about Greens that people seem to unfailingly posess. This is a list of some Greens that have been documented.

  • The Original Green: This is the most commonly seen Green. It is bright blue in colour and will generally live for up to 2,750 years.
  • The Albino Green: Albino Greens are just like normal Greens but are lacking in blue pigment. Thus they can easily be mistaken for normal stones. Also, Albino Greens, alike to other albino animals, are more prone to disease than normal ones, the common "green flu" can kill these albinos, taking about 2,500 years to kill them, putting them in no obvious pain or stress, and reducing their weight by 0.000001209% as well as the normal symptoms.
  • The Peppered Green: This form of Green is basically the same as a normal one, but is peppered with deep blue spots on it's light blue skin.
  • The Sea-Green: A Green adapted to life in the sea. Known to associate with Sewer dolphins. Unfortunately, no details are known about this variety.
  • The "Flying" Green: A Green that enjoys, quite simply, to fly. They will, using their immense powers, manipulate time-lines in order to bring about being placed in, for instance, a human's hand, or a helicopter etc. These Greens will ALWAYS be the stones that you pick up to skim with, or that you find in your pockets whilst standing on top of a cliff. Even though these Greens do not appear to be blue in hue, they are actually lying to you by placing incorrect images into your head. These Greens have no other interest other than being thrown into the air and have yet to say anything intelligible on tape.
  • The Green Extremist: This variety is a Green which is bent on the complete and utter imitation of the Green sterotype. This means they copy to all extents the behaviour and lifestyle of normal Greens. No one yet knows why these have been categorised separately, and the "discoverer" is a certain nameless MP who was probably drunk at the time of discovery. Although this is the most criticised form of Green, no one really wishes to abolish the category as it manages to keep the "study" of Greens funded by idiotic MP's who were probably all drunk at the time of Life.