“I gotta get outta this rut and back into the groove.”
Groove is unquestionably the driving force behind the planet known as Groovemania (Earth is the more common but less learned pronunciation). It is a synthesis of the Feeling and the Beat, which General Groove stole from Corporal Soul and Lieutenant Funk, respectively, during the Earth front of the Third Fluffy Hat War. The non-Earth front, while also very interesting, has less than nothing to do with this article, and must be read about in the article specifically concerning the Third Fluffy Hat War. Most everywhere on Groovemania has accepted and now lives by the ways of General Groove. The only places that have chosen to remain unlearned idiots are Canada and Pennsyltucky. However, not all of Pennsyltucky is completely ignorant... Captain Jazz has accepted the ways of the Groove, and holds underground cult meetings in the basement of his convenience store, Captain Jazz's Convenience Mart, located in somewhere in Funky Town, Pennsyltucky. Actually, it would seem as though everyone affiliated with Groove in any way is from somewhere in Pennsyltucky.
History of Groove
The Early Years
Part One: The Death of James Brown --> Ancient Greece
Scholars debate exactly how Groove took control of the world from Soul, but it was undoubtedly following the death of James Brown during the Earth front in the Third Fluffy Hat War, when Private Groove's "misplaced" Class 12 Explosive Swiss Cheese Charges of Death blew Corporal Soul to bits, and the unlucky James Brown just happened to be in the Corporal's pocket at the time of the accident. After the terrible event, Groove stole the secret of the Feeling from Soul who, dead AND without Feeling, proceeded to transform into Disco.
Lieutenant Funk swore revenge over Corporal Soul's death, but Groove had already bubblehearthed before Funk had stopped being bad enough to notice that General Groove (he was promoted after killing Corporal Soul) had already killed him. After he did this, he took from him the secret of the Beat, and fused the Feeling and the Beat into the Groove, named after himself. Before anyone realized what had happened, Groove stole a minivan and was off to Ancient Greece.
Part Two: Ancient Greece --> Acapulco
And so, Golden Fleece in hand, Groove flew to the remote island of Acapulco. It was there where he greeted the Natives who had lived on the island's somewhat sunny shores for as long as the world existed. The island was (obviously) made even sunnier by the aforementioned Fleece, and the Natives were about to accept the ways of Groove and learn the secrets of the Groove. However, the Overlords couldn't handle what Groove was laying down, and so he took off for much more boring lands, in search for people to teach the ways of the Groove to.
Part Three: Acapulco --> Da Nang
After General Groove left Acapulco, he was at a loss as to where to go. So, it being the 1970s, he flew to the most interesting part of the world at the time: 'Nam. When he got there, he found that since Thich Quang Duck had burned himself alive, the people of Viet Nam had lost whatever they had ever had in respect to the natural amounts of Groove in them. Despite bad articulation, it was a variant on the Groove that the Americans were trying to impose on the Vietnamese. Converting the Vietnamese to the ways of the Groove was rather easy for the General. All he did was draw attention to himself by doing a dance on the top of the CN Tower, which happened to be in New York City at the time, which as everyone knows is in downtown Vietnam. Everyone who saw him doing this attended his lecture the next day at Oxford University, and all who attended that converted instantly to the teachings of General Groove. Word spread from there, and soon enough the Vietnamese had kicked the crappy-ass Americans back to America.
Part Four: Da Nang --> Canada
Ever wondered why Canada sucks so much? It's because they are incredibly un-Groovalicious, which was a pretty obious side-effect of completely rejecting the ways of General Groove. Other than his hometown of somewhere in Pennsyltucky, Canada is the only place in the known world that has not accepted and preached in turn the ways of the Groove. As a matter of fact, the citizens of Canada were so enraged by General Groove's teachings that they shot him when he tried to lay down what he was trying to lay down. After they did this, Canada was added to General Groove's list of "Places to Preach the Ways of the Groove to".
Part Five: Canada --> Bananada
Flustered by his inability to convert the stubborn Canadians to the ways of the Groove, General Groove spent 7 years at sea trying to find a suitable place to further knowledge of the Groove. At the end of his long and arduous journey, he discovered the tropical island of Bananada. Bananada had only one inhabitant at the time, who is known only as Cooper. Cooper instantly adopted the ways of the Groove, and even went so far as to create a dance that embodied the Groove perfectly. As a reward for this dance, General Groove appointed Cooper his Captain, and from then on Cooper has been teaching the world about the ways of the Groove.
“Guys, I got it.”
“The Groove, you fucking idiot.”
The Middle Years... with General Groove, purveyor of the Groove
Part A-6: Bananada --> Funkytown
By far the bloodiest conversion during General Groove's travels happened in Funkytown. The people of Funkytown were devout followers of Lieutenant Funk, and didn't take kindly to the man who had killed their demi-god. As soon as General Groove arrived, he was imprisoned for 4 years. Only one person was allowed to visit him in his Secret Underground Cell de la Muerte. Conveniently enough, his one visitor happened to be a ridiculously hot (female) jail warden, who happened to have a thing for General Groove... --- 9 months later --- With General Groove still imprisoned, the ridiculously hot (female) jail warden gave birth to a son, who in 3 years and 3 months was strong enough to free his father from his Secret Underground Cell de la Muerte. Together, they killed off the high priests of Funkytown and found out that most of Funkytown despised Lieutenant Funk. After the priests had been disposed of, the people of Funkytown finally found the Groove and renamed themselves Groovytown.
Part A-7: Groovytown --> Brazil
The illustrious General Groove departed from the newly converted Groovytown. As soon as he left, he turned on the radio and, it being the 1950s now, he heard the soft strains of Bossa Nova. Hearing the natural Groove that the Brazilians evidently had, he made the long trek to Rio de Janeiro.
- When he arrived there, General Groove realized that he really had his work cut out for him. Left and right, un-Groovalicious people were all but suffocating the few naturally Groovalicious people. Also, Brazil was a lot bigger than he thought it was. He figured out that he couldn't possibly convert them all by the grassroots methods that he had been employing up until then. Stumped for an idea, he turned on the radio again, and heard that sweet Bossa Nova coming out of the speakers. General Groove had an idea.
As soon as he could, and employing all of his best resources and contacts in Rio, he managed to track down Stan Getz and João Gilberto. He convinced them to write a song called The
Girl Groove from Ipanema, which was to have subliminal messages that promoted the Groove to all who heard the song. The song was a smash hit, and soon all of Brazil was Groovalicious to the max.
Part A-8: Brazil --> Belgian Congo
Having completely won over the now-Groovalicious Brazilians, General Groove went off across the Atlantic Ocean to the Belgian Congo. Why he chose this as his next destination is anyone's guess, but off he went to the center of Africa. When he got there, he found that the Natives were incredibly Groovalicious already, but were being held back by the dastardly Lieutenant Funk's remaining army, who were forcing the Natives to hold back their natural Groovaliciousness. So basically what General Groove did was ever-so-politely "dispose" of the tormentors, and freed the Natives to be as Groovalicous as they wanted.
The Middle Years... with Cooper, the loyal servant of General Groove
Part B-6: Belgian Congo --> Russia
Cooper arrived in Russia just after the First World War had ended. He found that the czar was a dastardly dastard who was totally NOT Groovalicous, so Cooper devised a scheme dastardly enough that Lieutenant Funk himself could have come up with it. Actually, it was pretty basic revolutionary propaganda that Cooper showed to the public, and they basically freed themselves from the evil czar. They then created the single most Groovalicious government know to man: communism. Cooper had truly come into his own as a preacher of the Groove. At their next meeting, General Groove rewarded Cooper with a gift of nothing, which Cooper in his idiocy took to be something, and so he continued his quest. Long live Mother Russia!!!
“Long Live Mother Russia!!!”
The Latter Years... with General Groove, purveyor of the Groove and Cooper, the loyal servant of General Groove
Return to America
The two pilgrims then sailed to America, where they taught very little of Groove until the 20th century, when they were forced to acknowledge its existence when the Prophet Bartholemew Simpson made a vague reference to the overpowering influence that Groove was having on the rest of the world, and threatened to tell the world of Groove's true meaning if the American government did not.
For obvious reasons, however, the Americans did not recount the story with much accuracy, downplaying the role of Groove extensively (to hear the heavily bastardized version of Groove's history, look at .
The true story can only be read here, and for further reading on the subject, be sure to read both the backs of cereal boxes and the fine print on the warning tag on your matress.
Author's note: If you wish to check the tag on your mattress for extensive information, you had best do so as soon as is humanly possible, as the American government has already begun to remove them from mattresses in a fiendish ploy to reduce knowledge of the Groove.
So, what the fuck does Groove have to do with anything?
First of all, fuck you! NO ONE DOUBTS THE AWESOME POWER AND INFLUENCE OF THE ALMIGHTY GROOVE!!! OH YEAH!!! Basically, what General Groove did was bring the power of the beat to everywhere he went on his immense world travels. By inadvertently killing Corporal Soul during the Third Fluffy Hat War with a cheese cannon, Groove had come to grasp the understanding of the beat, which he had to defend to the last breath from the dastardly Lieutenant Funk.
- As such, Groove is the main purveyor of both the Feeling and the Beat, both of which he stole from Corporal Soul and Lieutenant Funk during the Third Fluffy Hat War. He fused the Feeling and the Beat to create the unique amalgamation of the Groove (named after himself, of course) and he preached the ways of the Groove to the unlearned idiots of the world. Unfortunately, the people of Canada dislike General Groove, and shot him when he arrived in Toronto riding his Groove Machine. He survived, of course, but now Canada has been added to his list of "Places to Preach the Ways of the Groove To". The only other place on this list, so far, is Pennsyltucky.
Groove has manifested himself in each of the following things:
- This Guy
- That Guy
- Oscar Wilde
- Funky Town
- Kittens, and the huffing thereof
- everything good in the world, but especially everything bad in the world
The Groove is currently in the possession of the Overmind. Well done.
Groove himself is a manifestation of the almighty Sophia.