Guam
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“Guam is a shit-hole.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Guamaka likes guys and brittany spears shaved her head here
“Guam??? that's somewhere in the Carribean right?”
~ Some clueless guy on Xbox Live
| |||||
| Motto: Que nous muertus, est bon par travail
(Latin: "ey nefew cum work 4 mee") | |||||
| Anthem: "Ai! Bro!" | |||||
| Capital | Del Guamo | ||||
| Largest city | Filipino City | ||||
| Official languages | United Statesian, Tagalog, Chamorro | ||||
| Government | Tribal Gerentocracy | ||||
| Head of State | Imelda Marcos | ||||
| President | Hillary Clinton | ||||
| Lieutenant Governor | Felix Camacho | ||||
| National Hero(es) | {{{national_heros}}} | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | When Spain declined for some reason. | ||||
| Currency | Filipina mail-order brides, coconuts | ||||
| Religion | Voodoo | ||||
| Major exports | Immigrant Zombies, Strawberry bread pudding, Headless black chickens, Hotdogs, gravediggers, Meg Ryan, Cursed Gold, (to Hawaii) Brown tree snakes | ||||
| Major imports | Fresh Blood, spades, Brown chickens | ||||
Guam is a gigantic island located in the South Pacific, hidden somewhere in the Mariana Islands (not to be confused with the Marinara Islands whose inhabitants are much more savory and delicious). The Marianas were named after Queen Mariana of Spain and Guam itself was named after her 3' tall toothless servant Bonafacio Isidro Pinche Del Guamo. After Queen Mariana left the island chain to return to her own people, Del Guamo stayed, with the express intention of forming his own colony, where he could practise voodoo.
Guam was acquired by Spain in the 1500's and for 400 years the island was mistaken for the Philippines by various aliens on shore leave. Spain's reign which lasted until 1898, when America claimed the island as part of the prizes in the Great Cola War of 1898. America won Guam and Imelda Marcos' shoe collection. The Spanish got a case of Rice a Roni and some Turtle Wax.
Recently, the indigenous population has been involved in the continuing battle to have themselves recognized by the United States, although for some reason the mainland STILL thinks of them as Filipinos. Guam is the island next to the CNMI, people of Guam think the people of CNMI still live in huts and wear grass skirts. Guam is full of young boys who think they are tuffer den ur aferage. Guam is recognized internationally as a breeding farm for Iron Man competitions.
[edit] The History of Guam
It was sometime in 1823 that Oprah landed on Guam, bound for the East Indies with a boat full of slaves, pirate gold and small children named Simon. There, she subjugated the island to her will, changing the native custom of slaughtering black chickens to the black art of resurrecting the dead. It has been rumoured that this was so she could travel back in time, but this has never been proven.
Soon enough there were enough zombies in Guam to require a changing of the Constitution. Where it once said "all men are created equal in the eyes of God", it now reads "all creatures are formed and re-formed, gooey and screaming, equal in the eyes of their creator, the mad witch".
Due to the unsanitary and often downright dangerous working conditions on Guam, the 21st century has seen increasing numbers of zombies travelling to the United States of America searching for a better life. Unlike their earlier predecessors, who faced ridicule, bullying, and gunshot wounds to the cranium, the "No More Room In Hell Act" has allowed them to stand up and fall apart, pround to be who they are.
[edit] The Native People of Guam
The native people of Guam are known as Guamie bears who speak their native language Guamese. Originating from Southeast Asia, the Guamie bears have a rich culture including 712 ways of cooking Spam and 34 ways of pronouncing the native word "Bro." It was also the Guamie bears that invented the "High Cholestorol Diet" which was a popular weight loss trend in the late 90's. Unfortunately a side effect of the weight loss was the loss of ability to be alive.
In the countryside of Guam, there are men who's full time job... no wait, locals are too lazy to have jobs. Some women get imported and thier full time job is to have sex with sailors, but again, they are imported.
[edit] Etymology of the Word
Guam is actually named for a large breed of ferocious animals that lived on the island until they were hunted to extinction by Chuck Norris. Many tribal shamen told story of the dreaded Guam, describing how they would steal away and devour their children in the night, "sort of like Michael Jackson." They also steal your shoes and anything else that is available for them to grab. Guam is also known to have the ugliest monkeys, like baboon pigeons, known as Chukees. It is known for its polluted beaches along the coast of africa and north of Europe. People go to Guam to originally eat pigs and other wild animals like baboon pigeons. The most important fact about Guam is that most people there never shower and they are all related to each other.
