Guinea pig
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
A guinea pig is a shit tube with a brain. Stuff goes into this tube at one end and comes out of the other. The purpose of the brain is to cause the tube to find more stuff to eat. Just underneath the brain, near the feet, is a squeaking muscle shaped like a kidney bean. If the brain thinks, even just for a second, that there is the remotest possibility of food, anywhere, within a fifty mile radius, then it sends a signal to the squeaking muscle, which then squeaks. Squeaks can also be elicited by tissues, your homework, feathers, and the rustling of plastic bags, all of which are incredibly delicious to the guinea pig.
The guinea pig brain is capable of detecting food if it slides, trembles or breathes. It is also capable of transmitting up to thirty squeaks a second. If you took nine hundred and fourteen guinea pigs and wired all their brains up to the ignition of one old Morris Minor 1400 car, it would eat everything in its path until the military shot it with a missile.
These little animals like to pee on anyone who comes within 100 yards of their home, burrow or cage, as a sign of love. If you are thinking of getting one keep this in mind: Never, and I mean never, wear good clothes. You will spend the rest of your life trying to clean the guinea pig's pee/crap stains off of it.
Contents |
[edit] Guinea Pig History
Though now considered tasty snacks in some parts of the world, once guinea pigs were formidable herbivores. Guinea pig ancestors the size of buffalo roamed the earth, trampling puny human ancestors. Rumor has it that some of these giant guinea pigs can still be found deep in the Amazon (and may be plotting their revenge on humans, particularly those who dress their pigs in humiliating costumes)
Guinea pigs once had legs long ago. They were almost the size of a cow's. However, after Charles Darwin invented evolution, guinea pigs decided to follow his theory. To make sure it looked like they 'evolved', they decided to stop walking altogether. Their legs became pointless and dropped off as a result.
[edit] Guinea Pig Language
Guinea pig lifespan is around 8 years if it is domesticated and 3-4 years in the wild (which wild guinea pigs are called cavies.)
Guinea pig language consists of a system of multi-pitched squeaks, which are used to communicate emotions or aural emoticons. Nine of the ten different noises express various forms of hunger, and they are often strung together to create epic poems about their dietary habits. The meaning of the remaining squeak is not entirely known, but it is thought to be an insulting racial slur.
The sound that the little pig emits is also known as a meep, even though the guinea pig has no lips to purse to make the "M" sound. People who study Kung Fu are known to imitate the guinea pig noise as a greeting.
[edit] Military Applications
Guinea pigs were first used for military purposes during Ancient Greek times. The Greeks constructed a giant wooden guinea pig to invade Troy. Later, Hannibal tried to lead his army over the Alps on the backs of a herd of Ecuadorian guinea pigs. The attempt was highly successful, and guinea pigs are still found in the wild throughout the Italian subcontinent. The United States now successfully uses genetically engineered versions of the animals in its nuclear weapon development program. Their pending role in the 3rd and 5th Nuclear World Wars have yet to be seen, but Dr. Demento seems to have large plans for a radioactive Guinea Pig army.
[edit] Filling one with Helium
The practice was banned in Britain due to overfill accidents. On one occasion, a guinea pig had to be shot down by the military while floating over Wiltshire. It also is widely believed that a red, helium filled guinea pig inspired Nena's 1980s hit 99 Luftballons.
And it is defanitly not advised to keep it above your head... Poo falls into your hair...
[edit] Guinea Pig Mutations
Exposure to unstable elements have created many new species of guinea pigs, including the amazing, gigantic guinea pigs existing in the wild outlands of Los Alamos. This exposure to plutonium atoms has created a few other anamolies, some of which have managed to mate with humans. These guinea-pig human hybrids, generally known as werepiggies, have always been torn between the two races and often have angst-ridden pasts. It is not generally known that they are werepiggies and instead it is believed that they are merely humans with odd tendencies. Some famous werepiggies include the Olsen Twins, Julia Roberts and Jack Thompson. It is also rumoured that Tom Cruise had something to do with starting this group of werepiggies. We've also seen guinea bees, guinea rats, guinea rabbits, guineasaurus rex, guinea pirates, and even a couple guinea spiders and guinea zombies.
[edit] A Day in the life of a Guinea Pig
- 7:30AM - Commenced screaming for food and, as punishment for my human master soiled myself and cage, it was worth it.
- 8:00AM - My newly cleaned cage needed christening and who was I to skip a tradition.
- 8:30 - While my master was at a place known by them as school, I began planning my doomsday device with my somewhat ignorant sidekick.
- 9:00 - Lunch break
- 9:30 - Attached my doomsday device to the underside of the plastic hut that was provided for me and the masters assumed we were stupid, we'll show them when they next open the cage and find there pinky finger blown up by my doomsday device. (Evil Laugh)
- 10:00 - Lunch break
- 10:30 - A cat appeared in the backyard, I used it for target practice, it's head blew up when I overloaded it with maths equations, how I was going to explain a cat carcus in the yard I didn't know but humans are blithering idiots and would never guess I concocted such a devious plan (Evil Laugh)
- 11:00 - Lunch break
- 11:30 - Contacted WOP (World Organization of Pigs) to explain the plan, tomorrow we would strike. A squadron of nine hundred and fourteen guinea pigs. We will steal an old Morris Minor 1400 car and eat everything and everyone in our path, no one will be able to stop the giant Guinea Pig Army.(Evil Laugh)
- 12:00 - Lunch break
- 12:30 - Nap time, yes even the most diabolical of guinea pigs need nap time.
- 3:30 - My master arrived home and decided to antagonize me with an instrument called a voice, soon dear boy you will be dead and I will laugh at you. He noticed the corpse of the cat and freaked out, much to my entertainment.
- 4:00 - Lunch break
- 4:30 - Commenced more squeaking
- 7:30 - The master brings me inside to eat and watch television little does he know he is supplying me with vital insight into the human world and their weak points. I also noted he was wearing new clothing and thought it appropriate to christen them also.
- 8:00 - I began to try and eat my master, which proved to be unsuccessful as their tough hide is resistant to my sharp teeth.
- 8:30 - I was dumped back into my prison and covered in a blanket shrouding my space in darkness, despite my obviously fierce demeanor, I was deathly scared of the dark. Until tomorrow master I will plan your demise.
