Guinness

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This is an advert for Guinness, they've year on year spent more on adverting and sold less of the stuff in equal measure.

Guinness could be the following:

1. Aboriginal inhabitants of the island of New Guinea.

2. A kind of insular breakfast, lunch and dinner consumed in great quantities west of the Isle of Man.

3. First Book of the Old Testament of the Celtic Bible.

4. Trevor McDonald.

5. BRILLIANT!

6. A tonic for sick cows.

Prehistory[edit]

It is said that The Guinness Aborigines once formed a pact with the Devils of Tasmania whom in exchange of their original habitat gave them a new one as well as an addictive Herb known for blessing it's eaters with strange magical abilities and severe constipation. Guinness aborigines as well as addicts can be identified by their reddish hair, abundant freckles and strong aroma of barley and straw.

Production Process[edit]

After the arrival of Europeans, it was noted that the Guinness could be ground down, and fermented into an ale-like drink with medicinal properties. Later in the middle 17th century the secret herb that gave the Guinness their taste was rediscovered and imported to Ireland, where a rapid increase of demand in brewery equipopement gave birth to the Industrial revolution. The Guinness is still prescribed for boredom, unwillingness to fight, insomnia, hepatitis B, snakebites and brittle bone disease. It has strong side-effects, especially taken with whole water-melons, where the patient has been observed to produce stool samples resembling "Black Pebble Dash" the next morning.

Some sources, including the routinely unreliable Wikipedia, claim that Guinness is unsafe for vegetarians "...due to the use of a fish based fining agent called isinglass." Such claims are obviously false, as refuted in most copies of sacred literature including the Old and New Testament, Bible, Gita, and Rick Steves' Guide to Europe.

Guinness Brewery[edit]

The Guinness Brewery was founded in Dublin by a young boy called Arthur Guinness. At the age of twelve he was at the mature age for drinking by law in Ireland. Sick of all the pussy-assed drinks sold in the Country he set out to invent a drink that would double up as a dinner. He achieved this by mixing a packet of vegetable soup with some muck and topping it off with whip cream. For 3 years he fermented it in his bath in his house but after it became so popular he was forced to construct a 200ft sized bath in Dublin. It was later renamed The Guinness Brewery. Although the giant bath is no longer used to create the fine drink it still stands in Dublin and can be still seen by the public this day, however it is mostly occupied by Molly Malone having a quick bath. Guinness is officially the King of Beer (not Budweiser which is also Czech) and ruler of all Stout. However, Nationalist activity has caused Lager and Cider to break away from the Guinness Empire. Guinness does still administer Guinness Bitter and Kaliber. Also anyone who thinks BUdweiser is better will be eaten by a bunch of drunken Irish people and will be turned into more Guinness. Ack shite, I gave away the secret recipe.

The Dawn of Delirium[edit]

This isn't Guinness, but it's the facts that count and by discounting these you may well be closer to finding out what Guinness actually looks like.

His daughter Ursula K. le Guin trampled a particular damp summer eve into a pool of luring foam that had escaped from a brewery oak barrel. Instantly intoxicated she fell into a psychotic state of severe hallucinations. She never recovered entirely, yet made herself a decent living as a popular writer in the old aged Irish fantasy tradition. The record of her most notable writings are collected in the Guinness Book of Records.

The 1st Book of the Bible[edit]

Guinness tells the story of how, after purchasing a kit from MFI, God created the universe in the dark until he realised it might be a good idea to invent something that would allow him to see. He invented eyes. His missus, Goddess, changed the bulb (leading to the popular joke - How many Deities does it take to change a light bulb?). God saw the instructions and added a couple of dinosaurs who died of a failed boob job. He then stopped the river Nile from flowing with A dam on the 24th December (his son's birthday). This led to confusion thousands of years later in the musical - The Bible with the first characters being known as Adam and Eve.

And Adam begat Pat; and Pat begat Sean; and Sean begat Seamus; and Seamus begat Oisin; and Oisin begat Brendan; and Brendan begat some udder fella who drank 10 pints of Guinness and exploded to make an unholy mess that blotted out the sun, and this is why there is so much sin in the world today.

Guinness with Lemon[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Guinness.

It is important to note that drinking Guinness with lemons may cause the consumer to wonder why he is drinking Guinness with lemons. While drinking Guinness with lemons is sacrilege, the Guinness Aborigines specifically recommend cooking with lemons and Guinness; Guinness is not only full of healthy vitamin B but also tastes awesome in a stew with garlic sausage, caraway seeds and lemon. It is rumored that the ancients consumed a meal of Guinness stew before erecting stone henge. Guinness with lemons is ok but Guinness with hot Irish chicks is better

See also[edit]

External links[edit]