“Hey, this isn't a real guitar!”
“In Soviet Russia, game play YOU badly!”
“Is there a wah pedal for this?”
“Kirk Hammett sucks ”
“Fuck you Dave, we have sold more albums than Megadeth”
“Yeah dumbass, that's because I wrote 95% of Metallica's songs ”
“Meh even I come up with better guitar solos, and I'm not even lead”
“Bitch, you threw up alcohol all over my bass!”
“Look, I can play guitar!”
“Playing Guitar Hero is not the exact same as playing the real guitar.”
“I can make buttons make noises and everyone else are complete Jeremy noobz, lolzord.”
“Dude, look at my mad skillz at the touchpad”
“Get out mom, Im tryin' to play Slow Ride”
“Thanks, I could make the Indonesian remix and sell it!”
Guitar Hero is a popular series of video games which is for gay faggots with no musical talent published by Red Octane. The game features the use of an authentic plastic guitar (strings and picks sold separately),has color coded frets (of which there are five). The game combines many elements of Dance Dance Revolution and playing a real instrument. Despite this it is mostly played by people who are good at Dance Dance Revolution and not good at anything else in life. Some fans so addicted to this game swear that when they play with their eyes closed, they actually turn into rockstars.
The main characters in the game are Judy Nails, Ivor Robotnik, Axel Steel, Downriver Dan, Brad Pitt, Paris Hilton, Rayman Pink, Bob Dole, & Richard Simmons and Timmaay. It's rumored that there are hidden characters named Slash from Guns N' Roses and the MORELLO5000 from Rage Against the Machine (among a few others), but this isn't true. You pretend to play guitar; how many characters do you really need? The game was published by Microsoft, but not with the help of Bill Gates because he doesn't actually have the ability to program anymore, only the power to eat very small Japanese penis and flatbed trucks.
Guitar hero is filled with false and unreal accomplishments, just like Tech Decks and Geometry. The accomplishment of beating Through the Fire and Flames on expert in your mom's basement will hopefully makeup from the loss of friends(though it probably won't). 750 bucks says that if you can play guitar hero on expert, you can do any trick on a Tech Deck. Guitar hero will never get you famous, finger-skateboards are not real, and geometry is pointless.
- 1 How to Play
- 2 Why Guitar Hero is Better Than You
- 3 Guitar Hero Syndrome
- 4 Game Play Levels
- 5 Plot
- 6 Guitar hero 5
- 7 Rock Band
- 8 Mutations Caused to Mortals... Err Humans
- 9 See Also
- 10 Stages of development
How to Play
Players control Guitar Hero using a real, authentic guitar and that happens to be fake and at the same time real. Gameplay starts off really basic; one holds their real, authentic guitar and chooses a song they wish to play. It is at this point that the gameplay gets much more intense and difficult. The player faces off against a multitude of different colored semi-spheres (players call them "notes"), which they are expected to know how to play. If they had read the game manual, like they were supposed to, they would know that it requires pressing the corresponding color coded frets at the same time as pressing down on the strum bar. Many have still not grasped this concept and probably never will.
The game "Guitar Hero" goes back as far as the ancient greeks. The practice even became a religion to them from the powerful rocking god named "Megadeth". The ancient Greeks used stone guitars instead of plastic. The Latin phrase for "guitar hero" is "Galute Megathicana".
... And yet, at the same time many have; which is consistent with the number of near-FC videos (as opposed to actual FC videos) posted on youtube, of which are continuously lambasted with comments like 'u suck!', 'douchey douchey doucher doucherifficoo!', and 'y evan post a vid if u cnat paly at al lul fuk' (note in the last comment, the phenomenal misspelling of the word 'lol': A word that originated from internet shorthand, perhaps due to the fact that typing was, and apparently still is, so much harder than beating guitar hero on expert).
In the initial Beta version of the game, players found it quite difficult to play as there was no way to distinguish which of the five colored buttons provided on the controller to press. The Beta featured music but no visible on-screen "notes" to play. It also consisted of a setlist having entirely Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana (who are both faggots) songs. Suicide rates actually went up shortly after it's beta release.
During the game the player will see star-shaped "notes" and if they hit all of the star "notes" then the player gets star power. Realistically this was just added to the game to cause the player even more hardship trying to hit all the notes they can. What the developers claim, however, is that this is so the player can gain more points. This argument is supported by the fact that, when the player activates Star power (this is done by tilting the guitar towards the ceiling so you look like a retard [be careful, people have been known to break their legs, arms or back from the strain of doing this] in the Nintendo DS version, Star power is activated by yelling "Rock Out" into the "microphone") the player's points are doubled. The characters in the game also receive the ability to play without playing. In that mysterious case the characters can through a guitar in the air while still playing. The few players who are good at this game complain that Star power is for losers who want a high score but can't play the game well. Players that use Star power complain that the few players that are good at the game can play the game well so they don't care about a high score. That's why some people just don't need star power.
Scientists have conducted several experiments detailing the average skill level of someone who plays guitar hero and their skill at real guitar. Unfortunately, they soundly concluded that the better you are at real guitar, the worse you are at Guitar Hero(and vice versa). This crushed the hopes of many who aspired to one day be "Guitar Heroes" themselves by devoting copious hours playing the game while drinking Red Bull.
Some people enjoy confusing Guitar Hero with the real guitar and attempt a rare ritual known as "tapping". This is an extremely hard technique to accomplish and have been known to cause Pulmonary HIV in rare cases of fail, you have been warned. Tapping requires that you leave the almighty strumming bar in the middle of a HO/PO (see Hammer ons or pull offs) "chain" and using any finger on that hand meant to strum to press any button you want. Don't worry about missing anything, as anybody can just strum with their elbow. This is not recommended if you are Pregnant, expected to be pregnant, have high blood pressure, are drunk, or trying to show off, because really it doesn't make you look cool.
Why Guitar Hero is Better Than You
•Guitar Hero comes in a large, oblong box. You, however, do not.
•Guitar Hero has exchangeable faceplates. You, however, do not.
•Guitar Hero music is legal. Your music, however, is not.
•Guitar Hero has achievements. You, however, have none.
•Guitar Hero is controlled by wireless controllers. You, however, are controlled by a Communist Society.
•The ESRB content rating service says Guitar Hero has “Lyrics” and “Mildly Suggestive Themes”. You, however, have neither.
•Guitar Hero is so awesome its awesomeness will never run out. Your oil, however, will.
•Guitar Hero was once held back by a deal with Gibson Guitars. You, however, still are.
•The Guitar Hero storyline has strong satanic themes. Your church, however, does not.
•Guitar Hero is money well spent. You, however, are not even worth the air you breathe.
•Guitar Hero does not have a fixed sexuality. It can make babies to whoever it wants whenever it wants. You, however, cannot.
•Guitar Hero plays you.
Guitar Hero Syndrome
Guitar hero syndrome is developed most commonly in younger audiences who have no musical interest, and then play Guitar Hero and develop misinformed opinions on what bands "Rock" and what bands "Suck" based on their difficulty in the game. Other symptoms include knowing a band by only the song it has in guitar hero (ie: knowing the song Cliffs of Dover, and not knowing the song Desert Rose, despite being on the same album.)
Checking for Guitar Hero syndrome
Guitar Hero syndrome can be checked for in several ways:
- Tapping of the fingers while listening to a song. Note: Can be mistaken for real guitar skills.
- Noting if the subject likes DragonForce.
- Saying you can play the song [insert name of a song from Guitar Hero], and checking if subjects says "What difficulty?"
- Saying DragonForce is an overrated band with members who cheat at guitar-using effects, then noting if the subject starts attacking you with their weakling nerd arms.
- If the subject listens to "Holiday In Cambodia" or "Paranoid" on your iPod and says, "It doesn't sound like it."
- If the subject thought Kirk Hammett wrote the solo for "Hit the Lights" on GH: Metallica.
- Checking subject's playlists/albums, and noticing high amounts of speed metal, and very little classic rock.
- If the subject likes Ozzy Osbourne and has no idea who Randy Rhoads is.
- The subject loudly declaring they totally rock but changing the subject when you ask them if they could play you something on your guitar.
Common Guitar Hero Syndromers' Favorite Songs
The six most difficult songs in guitar hero have gained praise from players for their difficulty.
- Knights Of Cydonia: Long, hard, and boring; but it still made the list anyways. Awesome song
- Raining Blood: Favored by many disturbed players with little social life. Also favored by emos (not emus!)
- Cliffs Of Dover: Arguably the only deserving song to be in the top six. Although the easiest of the top six in Guitar Hero, the hardest of the six to play on real guitar. Contains scales, chords, and notes. Commonly favored by players who play real guitar and girls.
- Number of the Beast: Favored by players who weren't allowed to see the re release of the omen. Like "Cliffs Of Dover", this song is played by a skilled musician, and contains musical quality.
- One: Arguably a very good song that was sadly "burned" because of Guitar Hero. Begins as a minor-key ballad but soon becomes a thrashing metal masterpiece. Also has the most recognizable guitar riff: (EEEEEE E5 EEEEEE E5)
- Through the Fire And the Flames: During the development of the game, an anonymous DragonForce fan paid a bribe of $1,000,000 to Activision to make the song the hardest in the game, in an attempt to use Guitar Hero syndrome to his advantage and make people think DragonForce contains skilled musicians. The very breeding point of GNA (guitarherosyndromNA). Anyone who can beat this song has no life, no friends, no money, and no mom.
- Slow Ride: Please refer to the picture on the side of the article.
Game Play Levels
There are several levels available to play in Guitar Hero. They are as follows:
This level was created for black kids with no taste in music. Because they suck at Guitar Hero, and can't comprehend that what they are hearing is actually music. Beginner + includes a plastic turntable that really doesn't do a damn thing. All songs are turned into "In Da Club" by 50 Cent, as the black people use the fake turntables to look cool. People who play on Beginner + are typically beat up in school.
This level was introduced in Guitar Hero Would Tour. You don't even use fret buttons in this level. All you have to do is strum when you see something on the screen. If you are so bad that you can't even play on Easy, then this level is for you. Also if you are blind this level is for you. If you are paralyzed and the only possible way to play is with your tongue, this level is for you. And if you are in a coma, this level is for you.
WARNING:This mode of gameplay is infact easy to fail at, because it was made by the man. Do not attempt Beginner mode after playing any other level. Not only will it completely ruin your sense of timing because there are no notes,you don't even need your fingers. After playing Beginner, you won't even learn how to use your fingers to hit the notes on the higher four levels (See below). You might as well not even play the game if you want to play on this level.
Easy has you playing 3 notes that are separated by 4 beats minimum (there are exceptions ie: Through the Fire and Flames). It is intended for those who are not very skilled at the game, or are starting out. Despite the simplicity of the gameplay of Easy, every person who starts out the game still finds a way to mess up. It is the most useless difficulty, as anyone with even a hint of rhythm can play normal and anyone without rhythm is a no-hoper. [[Image:Slow_ride_owell uh... this sucks easy only uses 3 notes and its slow and that pic from guitar hero
WARNING: Do not attempt Easy mode after playing Expert. Not only will it completely ruin your sense of timing, you end up waiting so long for "notes" to scroll down the screen (or up the screen if you're one of those types) that your fingers lock in place and you scramble to use your ring finger for the Yellow fret instead of your middle finger *shock horror* Also many players of this difficulty suffer from "I suck cock syndrome"
Normal adds a fourth note that must be played while playing this game. The green, red, yellow, and blue notes must be played. Normal is meant to frustrate players who thought they were good on Easy only to find out they suck at the harder levels because they can't move their pinky.
Normal is pretty easy, but its hard for people on easy or people who plain just don't play. See easy for more information on people who can't play.
In Hard the game gets hard (like your mom), adding a fifth note. This requires the player to actually move their hand to hit the proper notes. Hard is meant to frustrate players who thought they were good on Normal only to find out they can't play if they have to move their hands (See easy for more information on people who can't play) After completing the game on hard, many teenagers would do: A: try their luck on expert and see what happens at their own risk (most likely they would either be really good or really sucky) B: Try to get guitar lessons and suck at it C: Stop playing all together (good choice!) or D: Go back to easy and normal for more practice so that they could suck more on hard and expert.
Expert is really hard, and to get to this level you have to have a lot of practice, because Expert mode was arbitrarily created out of the need of a level higher than hard mode, the notes in Expert mode tend to be no more then one half beat apart, even when there is obviously no guitar playing (see the intro to Through the Fire and Flames). Expert mode is so difficult, it even requires playing other instruments such as bass guitar (See 3's and 7's), keyboard (see Through the Fire and Flames intro) or DJ Turntables (see Sabotage). This frustrates many players.
Expert mode is meant to be video-taped and put on YouTube so people can call you a loser or envy you at your owning skillz on "Slow Ride."
Those individuals who beat the game at the Expert level have little to no lives. Had they spent half as much time learning to play an actual guitar, they would be in a band, and therefore worshipped by schoolgirls and emo kids worldwide as opposed to being worshipped by the lucky few on You Tube, where your viewers can't even see your face.
Expert+ is used in Guitar Hero Metallica, and uses an extra kick on the drums. Nothing else is known about it except that only drummers, Chuck Norris, and No Lifers can complete it.
WARNING: Expert+ is the only drum difficulty that God has tried. He owned.
What, you've never heard of Legendary, you say? That's because the only way to unlock it is by entering a secret code, which was only given to Japanese People. The Japanese are loyal, and they will not tell you the secret code, even after long hours of torture. Anyways, though, legendary mode means you are constantly wailing on the guitar, all the time. When you look at the screen, all you can see are solid notes, for every fret. Most people fail within 4.23 seconds, because it is proven to be impossible with only 4 fingers. Some people, however, have forced themselves to grow an extra finger out of their love of Guitar Hero. Although it has never been witnessed, it is rumored if you are to beat ANY song within the Legendary song list, Satan himself invites you to hell for StarBucks coffee. Side effects include non-epileptic seizures, shriveled up eyes due to a severe lack of blinking, in rare cases amputation of multiple appendages, or spontaneous combustion. Of course, Chuck Norris was able to beat "Through the Fire and Flames" on Legendary with his eyes closed, and strumming with his Cock, the mighty rooster he found after defeating Hitler, Skelator, Bizarro, Wonder Woman (by accident), and Hannah Montana.
Opposed to what many think, Chuck Norris mode is truly the hardest mode in Guitar Hero. It requires one to play the song perfectly on a real real guitar (as opposed to the real fake guitar mentioned earlier) while still killing every sphere that comes your way in the game. Nobody (with the exception of Chuck Norris himself) has passed a song like this. That is, it hasn't been loaded on YouTube yet. Chuck Norris mode also requires you to beat the sun in a staring contest and jump into a pool but not get wet, but get the water Chuck Norrised.
There is an important plot to Guitar Hero due to its sociopolitical commentary. The game starts off with you choosing to play as either Bob Dylan, The asian guy that wrote "Canon Rock", the other Asian guy that played "Canon Rock" better and got 3 million more views, Chris Pollock or Loren Lilly (Slash is unlocked at a later time). It shows a scene of your character standing in front of a small audience in a bar. It then throws you into a song (usually Stairway to Heaven but sometimes it makes you play Crazy Train) which if you pass successfully then your character smashes the guitar on the ground and lights it on fire. It is then revealed that the guitar was originally Keith Richards's guitar and so was full of marijuana and heroin. This puts your character in great debt which you must play your way out of.
Once you pay off the debt your band is really popular and so you choose to continue playing or stop and become a scientologist in Halo. You start to play bigger and bigger venues and start to get more and more groupies. Once you play at an actual concert, Slash comes out and you play a duet. If you succeed in beating this stage (five Guns 'n' Roses songs), you go and get high with Slash who has now joined your Band. Living the high life you go to coke parties, Bottom-less parties and the like. In the story's climax your character gets arrested for drug abuse. This game was renowned for expertly leaving the story open for a sequel, a prequel, and a biography currently titled "Mein Kompf....Give It Back It's Mine Kompf...Nuh uh It's My Kompf" written by Doug Phunny.
Guitar hero 5
New game that will come out on Sepember 1st 2009
Activision's main goal in life is to buy things and make them suck, and the only franchise they had not ruined yet was Guitar Hero. In order to do this, they first bought a time machine from Chester Cheetah, the Cheetos mascot, and traveled back in time to Harmonix land, a land of giant unnatural guitar controller-shaped trees and different colored plastic buttons. Just as future Harmonix CEO Alex "Mesa Boogie Hero" Rigopolis had the idea for making Guitar Hero, Activision coffee boy Bobby "$$$$$" Kotick killed him with a myung tackle and stole the idea. However, the amount of caffeine in young Bobby's brain totally killed it and by the time he had warped back to the future he had already screwed it up. He was unable to talk and after Activision gave him a computer and a pen[is] he talked about creating a game called Guitar Hero. However, instead of typing an "e" on his keyboard he accidentally hit a "3", causing the developers to create Guitar Hero 3 without making 1 and 2. He also drew ugly looking versions of slash and tom morrelo that the developers then put into the game. Slash attempted to stop the game by borrowing Nigel Turfwad's amp, but Bobby trapped him inside this -> -> Octavarium with a soul gem and he hasn't been seen since. However Bobby's plan backfired when someone else formed Harmonix and created the kick-ass game Rock Band. The only problem was that by the time the game got out Guitar Hero had already taken over the basement nerds (who made up %99.9999495959494 percent of the games demographic) who were trying to, as local nerd Ben Beberleche put it "FC TTFAF" by "TPPPNG" with his "GTR". Bobby assumed that he had won, and decided to copy Rock Band with Guitar Hero: Basement Tour. In order to make the game look original, Activision detroyed everything that had been good about the game (characters, songs, etc.) and instead asked Michael Jackson to record covers for the tracklist. Notable additions in the game include U2, Ashley Tisdale, Alvin and The Chimpunks, Vanilla Ice, and Rock and Roll Hall of Famer, Crazy Frog.
Mutations Caused to Mortals... Err Humans
Doctors were amazed by this strange phenomenon, a man in his early 20s had evidently played Guitar Hero for so long, his hand was genetically altered into a guitar. NO, this is not plastic surgery. It has a wireless signal and everything. Although obsessed with the game, he cannot even beat Slow Ride on No Fail. Of course, Chuck Norris can play the wireless air guitar that can hook up to the Wii, Xbox 360, or PS3.
Stages of development
1. Red Octane get all their staff (3) to stick plastic guitars up their ass and make up a song called Through The Fire and Flames which is obviously an epic fail as some little asshole did it 100%