Gulf War III

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Gulf War III
Gulf War III.jpg
Some stuff that went down
Date July 4, 2024August 8, 2036
Location Iraq, Kurdistan, Kentuckistan, Fiji, Polend, Denmark, Internets
Result Polish victory. Creation of the Wausau Pact. Emergence of Tajikistan and Laos as superpowers. Utter Destruction of France and Microsoft.
Combatants
United States, Polend, YTMND, Scotland, United Democratic Republic of Persia, Microsoft, Haliburton Iraqi Empire, France, Korea, Fark.com, Cindy Sheehan, Slashdot
Commanders
George P. Bush Sheik Yurbouti Hussein bin Laden al Jebra
Casualties
Military dead:
298,235,996
Civilian dead:
793,704,523
Total dead:
1,298,356,209
Military dead:
76,398,201
Civilian dead:
3,295,399,999
Total dead
3,385,392,169

Gulf War III (abbreviated GW3), or Fuck Me, Not This Shit Again, was a worldwide conflict fought between the forces of good and evil, from 2024 until 2038. Armed forces from sixteen thousand nations engaged in desert warfare, suicide attacks, and cyber-combat. As a result of the war, lots of people died, the price of gas reached $47.50/gal, and at least seven distributions of Linux went out of regular maintenance.

Middle East, 2024

Causes[edit]

George P. Bush[edit]

The death of President McCain at age 110 left a giant power vacuum in US Politics. The country's political landscape had, in 2019, divided itself into four parties: the Rich Christians Party, Poor Christians Party, Rich Atheists Party, and Poor Atheists Party. For the 2020 election, the nominees were:

63rd US President George P. Bush

Underwear model and Latino hunk George P. Bush won exactly two states - Colorado and Florida - but massive migrations of rich white Christians into those states over the previous years had given them enough electoral votes to win Bush the presidency. He also did well among Latinos too young to remember his uncle's presidency.

P. Bush's first act as president was to call a joint session of Congress and declare a fatwa on Iraq for having killed his daddy, 49th President Jeb Bush, during Gulf War 2.5. This ratcheted up an already tense situation in the Middle East.

Linux[edit]

Linus Torvalds' quest for world domination had almost been completed in 2022, universally identified by the media as "The year of Linux." A grand total of 17 worldwide desktop installations had been achieved, although most of these were friends of Linus. Also, Michigan Technological University was talking about maybe handing out laptops with Linux on them. All of this success had gone to Linus' head. A worldwide herring shortage was what finally spurred him into action: he called upon his legions of followers at Slashdot to take up arms behind him. Since most Slashdotters' parents were now dying, leaving them homeless and aimless, they jumped to the cause. Some users protested with cries of "No blood for herring!" but the powerful Slashdot groupthink moderated and meta-moderated them into oblivion.

Rise of Iraq as a superpower[edit]

In 2023, a powerful, Islamo-ecumenical mullah won the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people with his powerful message of "WTF, why are you still killing one another, you stupid fucktards?!" The response from Sunnis and Shiites alike was a resounding "You're right; we have our heads up our collective ass." Thus ended 20 years of violence in the country. They promptly sold a shitload of oil, rebuilt the country in the space of six weeks, and invaded a bunch of neighbors. Even though they lagged noticeably behind their rivals in Weapons of Mass Destruction (Iraq, in fact, had no WMDs), they still prevailed.

Dr. Ill unifies Korea[edit]

In 2015 Kim Jong Il's body died, and his brain was placed in a jar. Since he no longer had to devote valuable brain energy towards breathing and pooping, he quickly became an evil genius, building a fleet of nuclear-powered hovercraft that overran South Korea in a matter of weeks in early 2024. When the international community complained, he responded, "I gots nukes. What you gonna do about it, pussays?" Dr. Ill had also filled his officer corps with commanders who were avid StarCraft players, thus giving him a key strategic and tactical advantage.

Overview[edit]

Opening Battles[edit]

Historians typically agree that the opening shot that precipitated GW3 was the Battle of You're the Slash Now, Dot! Slashdot user "K-Rad" (#12996) created a site on YTMND that featured, among other things, YTMND founder Max being set on fire by Eric Bauman. The site was immediately "5'ed" by legions of /. users on YTMND, with the most common justification being "5'ed for using Quake music," despite the fact that the background mp3 was Not Even Quake Music. This spawned a rather ridiculous fad, and the resulting lawsuits shut down 28% of the Internet. The anger and frustration of Net users in general led to cyber-attacks on ISPs, and ultimately, suicide attacks.

Polend, a longtime ally of YTMND, immediately declared war on eBaum's World and Slashdot. France, an ally of eBaum's World, responded by declaring war on Polend, and Korea followed suit. Polend nuked the shit out of France, but when they attempted to do the same against Korea, their nukes were deflected by Korea's energy shield, bounced off, and landed in the Arabian desert, blowing up a valuable 0.0001% of the Iraqi Empire's petroleum producing capacity. Iraq, which had no weapons of mass destruction, invaded Polend with ground forces, crossing the Caucasus Mountains with elephants.

Unfortunately, this resulted in the death of whites, and the United States has a long-time policy of being utterly opposed to white peoples' deaths. George P. Bush and the 119th Congress therefore declared war on Iraq, sending robot-controlled aircraft carriers and transport ships filled with 20 divisions of robot Marines to the Persian Gulf. Robots stormed the shores of Dubai on August 14, 2024, where they were immediately distracted by the casinos, night clubs, and fabulous architecture. But robots don't get hung over, and next morning the Battle of Robots against absurdly rich Arab princes commenced. The Arab princes, armed with diamond-encrusted platinum swords, were a formidable match for the robots. This battle raged back and forth for several years...

Holy shit, REAVERS!![edit]

Doctor Ill's Reavers attack the Detroit production line

The tide of the war seemed to be turning towards the forces of good when Korean commanders executed a near-flawless reaver drop behind US production facilities in Detroit. The reavers were pounding the crap out of US production, and drew the Michigan Militia, which had been guarding the factories, away to do battle. This allowed the Koreans an opening in which they performed a second drop of workers, armed with large wrenches, into the middle of the US factories. The Korean workers pummeled the American workers, who promptly filed grievances with their unions.

The fall of Korea[edit]

Despite the fall in production capacity, the US was able to knock Korea out of the war with an unbeatable tactic: massed, cloaked carriers with cloaked guardians. The moment guardian fire started taking out key Korean coastal installations, Dr. Ill knew he was finished. With a gg, lol he unplugged his Ethernet cable and dropped out of the war.

The last days[edit]

With Korea out of the war, the US and Polend were able to concentrate on Iraq and Slashdot. On the Internet front, US forces from Ready.gov successfully seized control of Slashdot after a six-month campaign of flames, trolls, and M2-bombing. When Ready.gov operatives finally stormed Slashdot's central compound, they found Rob Malda and Jeff Bates in a bunker dead, having committed suicide. They were also naked. And hugging.

Iraq fell shortly thereafter, primarily owing to the fact that they had no WMDs.

Aftermath[edit]

Polend takes over[edit]

After GW3, Polend controlled 78% of the earth's land area and 98% of the world's oil.

Other consequences[edit]

  • Linus Torvalds was tried for war crimes, but somehow managed to stock the jury with penguins, and was acquitted on all charges. He is still searching for a secure source of herring.
  • The Internet became known as "You're the Internets now, geek!" The advertising model for the Web was greatly simplified.

See Also[edit]