Gum

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“It's time to kick some ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of ass.”

~ Duke Nukem on Gum
Keysgum.jpg

“Chew ass, kick bubble gum”

~ Advice dog on Duke Nukem's quote about gum and gum


Famous for his gum quote

Gum is a sticky, gooey mess found on theater seats and under tabletops. It comes in many sizes, shapes, flavors, textures, colors, and calibers, and is used by either sitting on or stepping in it.

The History of Gum[edit]

Gum was first discovered by the ancient Egyptians. They promoted it as an effective substitute for smoking, which they knew to be a leading cause of mummification. Contemporary researchers, who have recently made great strides in understanding the role of gum in the age of the Pharaohs, now know that the great sphinx of Giza originally dispensed gumballs through its mouth. Use of bubble gum by the ancient Romans is proved by the fossilized remains of Pompeiians preserved by the lava of Vesuvius, which include several who were frozen in mid-bubble. Gum had a religious significance to ancient peoples, as proven by the fact that gum is mentioned in the Bible as many times as abortion.

Use of gum declined during the later Roman Empire. In 330 AD, when Constantine made Constantinople his imperial residence, he quickly discovered that he couldn't walk anywhere in the town without getting gum all over his sandals. Declaring Constantinople's sidewalks to be "totally disgusting", he banned gum outright, leading the gum-loving Visigoths to sack Rome in revenge. Afterwards, during the Dark Ages, people had trouble finding their gum, a problem that lasted until The Enlightenment. The invention of the electric light bulb in 1879 meant that, for the first time in history, everybody would be able to find their gum at any time of the day or night.

Manufacturing[edit]

Industrial-scale production of gum started in 1823, when Bazooka Joe and the Doublemint Twins entered into a partnership to build the first modern gum factory in Leeds, England. After several years of success, sales slumped and management rearranged the letters on the factory gate to convert the plant into a mug factory. Today, most of the world's gum production occurs in Guam.

Gum is manufactured by slicing old truck tires into small pieces, which are then softened up with carbolic acid and dyed pink. The gum may be flavored with spearmint, licorice, saccharine, polydextrophenolene, chicken broth, strontium 12, cocaine, or horsemeat.

Uses[edit]

  • as an adhesive
  • to put in people's hair.
  • to bathe in
  • as a prosthesis (on the nose, for example)
  • flirting with women
  • making alien contact
  • wrapping presents
  • as a condom
  • used as a rhyming word for: cum, rum, bum, slum, phantom, etc!!
  • tuckpointing and sealing cracks in nuclear reactors, dams, bunkers, etc.
  • fusing walmart employees into a solid mass
  • decorative sculptures under school desks and under bar-room counters