Gunpowder

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Gunpowder is an extremely powerful aphrodisiac which is a uniform mixture of 25% sulfur, 25% graphite, 25% saltpeter, 25% pepperpeter, 25% oreganopeter, and a trace amount of monosodium glutamate. Oh, and it is occasionally used to blow stuff up real good.

The long and sordid history of gunpowder[edit]

Gunpowder may have been invented in 4 BCE somewhere in ancient China, but there is much uncertainty about this because all Uncyclopedia articles from this nebulous era were irretrievably lost in a horrific asplosion. The Chinese believed that gunpowder was a religious relic and should be treasured, but by the time the Mongolians had invaded, all of the gunpowder was made into seasoning for mushou pork

In 1066, the Chinese emperor Ming Kong, who discovered gunpowder's uncanny ability to enhance sexual pleasure (don't ask how), ordered it to be added to all Chinese breakfast cereals (of which the only available brand at the time was Rice Krispies™ (now also available at Wal-Mart)) in a desperate attempt to boost China's abysmally low population. It apparently worked: now look how many China-folk there are.

Many centuries later, British intelligence agent Marco Polo (00VII) was sent to China on a mission to observe China's top secret spaghetti and paper dragon production factory; but instead mistakenly came back with the plans for gunpowder stashed in his briefcase. The forbidden knowledge of gunpowder soon spread like wildfire all over Europe and France; the history of love and war has never been the same since.

Gunpowder today[edit]

Today, gunpowder is used in all sorts of popular commercial products such as hand grenades, denture cream, baby formulae, trade;, artificial cheez, erotic cakes, and weapons of mass destruction. It also works great as a campfire starter (almost as effective as enriched uranium), and a masturbatory aid (almost as effective as baking soda (though this can sometimes result in very unfortunate - and painful - accidents)). Gunpowder is becoming increasingly expensive these days however, since powdering guns to prepare it is very time consuming. you can eat it to make tour poo come out when you are constapated

Sources[edit]

Historically, gunpowder was a scarce commodity, and only became available on those occasions when large numbers of surplus armaments were available, for example after the end of a war.

Today, the majority of the world's gunpowder is manufactured in the United Kingdom, in fact this trade represents a major export from the UK to the USA, where most of it is used. The reason for this is the ready availability of very large numbers of guns, collected by police from citizens and sent for recylcling. In the USA, citizens love their guns too much and would never even think of handing them in for recycling.

Manufacture[edit]

Until the 20th Century this was a tedious manual process of grinding the ingredients and hand mixing. Modern production-line techniques have greatly improved on these methods.

The modern manufacturing process takes place in a suitable industrial premises, located well away from dwellinghouses in the interests of safety. Consignments of firearms are delivered in bulk to such sites. The first stage of processing a consignment involves, firstly, a safety-check on the collected guns for any live rounds which might have been overlooked, as these might cause a hazard to the operators of the machinery. Once it has been established that the guns are empty, the wooden and plastic parts such as the stock are separated from the metal components such as the barrel, for separate processing.

Metal components are then conveyor-fed to a unit consisting of dual, opposed angle-grinder disks which quickly and easily reduce the components to particles of small size. Meanwhile, plastic parts are melted, mixed and blended to achieve the right consistency, and extruded into pellets.

Wooden components require a more time-consuming process, involving the breeding of a specially-chosen species of boring beetle, the larvae of which are extremely effective at consuming wood and rendering it into fine powder.

Once all of these processes are complete, the resulting powders are then carefully re-mixed in the proportions of 19% wood, 38% plastic and 45% metal. After ball-milling to ensure even consistency, the finished gunpowder is then packed for delivery into containers known in the trade as shells or cartridges.

Future Prospects[edit]

It is predicted that soon gunpowder will be obsolete as making stuff go boom is so 19th century, the weapons of the future being biological warfare, rickrolling and LHCs. hello

See also[edit]