György Ligeti

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The fisrt measure of Ligeti's masterpiece Stratospheres

Music? Wot's that?

~György Ligeti on music

György "Random noise" Ligeti was a Hungarian Guy who wrote noise. Many of his works are well known to people in mental institutions. In 2010 Ligeti famously captured and tortured a group of British students, in an attempt to resolve the Middle-East crisis. While five victims survived, another four were pronounced dead due to French Horn related injuries.

Biography[edit]

Ligeti was born to a nazi-communist-scientologist-feminist-pro-nuclear-gypsy-mother-thing some time in the 1920s. His mother is believed to have screamed while giving birth, and this, by many scientologists, is believed to have made Ligeti completely insane. Others argue that his insanity was due to his father beating his head with a heavy log daily, to "protect him from evil spirits"

As a child, Ligeti learnt to play the piano, and, after 10 years of practice, succeeded in playing a C major scale over one octave at the speed "1 note per second". He soon became bored with music and studied under Pál Kadosa, a man famous for arranging "three blind mice" for solo snare drum. However, he failed the final exam, being deemed "too ugly" to ever write good noise, despite getting all the questions right. It just goes to show that all teachers are biased left-wing looneys who only have one sole aim in life: Make everyone vote for extremist left wing political parties.

Ligeti however, was not at all disheartened by this, and so, decided to write some noise anyway. His first piece of noise, "Indulo" was a piece for 2 pianos. Each player was required to bang his hands on random notes and hope for the best. It was received with great applause by many people, most of which were later found to either be deaf, insane, or Condoleezza Rice. However, no one told Ligeti this, and so, he persisted, writing his "symphonic poem for 100 clocks", in which 100 clocks which tick very loud are placed in a room with an audience, and left there with doors locked until the batteries run out. Those who survived the 3 week ordeal said with big sarcastic grins on their faces: "THAT WAS GREEEAAAT! I THINK I'LL GO DROWN MYSELF!".

However, his nazi-communist-scientologist-feminist-pro-nuclear-gypsy-mother-thing did not like his noise, and cursed him to die after he wrote his next piece. However, he did not die, as he completed a section of his next piece, played it to his mother, and hence, killed her, and the curse too.

Ligeti married in 1948 to a rather ugly woman with oversized sideburns, who later turned out to be a komodo dragon in disguise. Ligeti did not care, and then produced 57 half-human, half-lizard children, who all died of a peculiar brain problem shortly after birth, during which they were subjected to Ligeti's most calming noise, "random notes with screaming and pickles on top".

Ligeti died in 2006, although no one attended his funeral because his requiem was being performed there.

"Musical" Style[edit]

Ligeti liked abandoning all musical concepts and just writing random notes, hence why his noise is not music. Because it is noise. And it is noise because it isn't music. And it isn't music because it is noise.

For his requiem, he simply wrote, "Everyone sing something different, all 600 of you, even the conductor, and the people in the orchestra not playing wind instruments. Scream a lot. Make sure it sounds bad".

As you can see. His style was... COMPLEX, to put it nicely. To put it like any right minded person would put it, OH GOD IT'S HORRIBLE AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

Awards[edit]

  • Worst Musical Composition Ever, 70 years in a row.

Works[edit]

Operas[edit]

  • The Adventures of Ligeti, Who Wrote The Best Noise Ever
  • More Adventures of Ligeti, And I Would Like To Remind You That Ligeti Is The Best
  • I'm Not Boasting

Orchestral[edit]

  • 76 separate notes, each one sustained for 4 days
  • Lithospheres. You Gotta Love That Gravelly Sound.
  • Random Notes. (This song was also performed by Edmund Mooney...yes, it's a real song. Look it up on iTunes)

Concertos[edit]

  • Screaming Concerto
  • Violin Concerto "The Sounds Of Torture"
  • Hamburger Concerto

Vocal/Choral[edit]

  • Requiem "In Memory Of Me, Because I'm The Best"
  • Complete Nonsense

Chamber[edit]

  • Brilliance, For Empty Chamber

Piano[edit]

  • My two notes for Kubrick used in Eyes Wide Shut
  • Indulo
  • Piano Etude "How To Play 45 Notes At Once"
  • I Want Candy! Doo Doo Dooo Dooo Doo!
  • Oops I Spilled Some Ink On My Manuscript Paper. OOH! THAT INK IS BRILLIANT!

Other[edit]

  • Symphonic Poem For 100 Clocks

See Also[edit]