Gymnastics

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“That's insane! I can't masturbate to a picture of myself? Where are the Mary Lou Retton boxes?”

~ John Hodgman on having his own picture on the box of Wheaties

“Hmmmmm Gymnasts..... Drools”

~ John Malkovich on that day he bumped his head and taught he was Homer J. Simpson, Esquire
Russians Svetlana Khorkina, Alina Kabaeva and Irina Tchachina survive the Olympic selection process

Gymnastics is one of the most popular sports at the Olympic Games, yet nobody really does gymnastics. It's CRAZY hard. Which could be because performing requires too much effort. It is a tough sport that requires plenty of 'iron fist' coaches.

Also, Gymnastics is the only Olympic sport allowed in Romania. Comrade Ceausescu often gets jealous of such countries as Russia, with their giant swimming pool of talented gymnasts, from which they choose those who don't drown. During one particular incident, he was said to have been so upset while training the 1988 Romanian Olympic Team that he had Dorothy Daleck & and her Pesky Goat exiled to Siberia as a result of their sub par performance.

The Disciplines and their origins[edit]

Vault[edit]

The earliest of the gymnastics events, the vault originally involved SEXY Naked Greek Man and a bull. After smothering the bull with a fine lubricant from the Dead Sea, Naked Greek Man would then try to wrestle the bull to the ground. Spectators would later swear that the bull 'enjoyed' it. One day, while trying to wrestle the bull, Naked Greek man flipped over it and a new sport was born. Soon, everyone was vaulting over lubricated bulls. By all spectator accounts, the bulls again enjoyed it. Today, many of the world's finest vaulters, such as Cheng Fei and Marian Dragelescu, like to vault naked in tribute to the original Naked Greek Man.

High Bar[edit]

This gymnastics event was first performed by Dannii McButcher, a stocky but somehow alluring butcher from Scotland. Every day she would build muscle by doing chin-ups in her meat locker. However, one day in 1928, a group of local pigs, inspired by George Orwell's "Animal Farm" had plotted to avenge the slaughtering of their porky comrades.

In honour of pigs' contribution to their sport, gymnasts don't eat pork. They do eat bacon though, because that stuff's just scrumptious.

They applied glue to the pole, so McButcher's hands got stuck and then the pigs turned the pole so that McButcher spun round and round, like an aerodynamic spit-roast. After about an hour, the glue gave way, releasing McButcher, who miraculously landed on her feet. Even the pigs had to applaud the balance of their sworn enemy. They then scarpered and left McButcher vomiting in a corner. Luckily, the whole incident was recorded on the shop's primitive CCTV system (which sadly had no slow-mo or frame advance function) and soon everyone had seen it and wanted to swing round the bar.

Parallel Bars[edit]

Most people think this originated when McButcher installed a second bar in her meat locker to satisfy public demand, but rather foolishly put them back-to-back in an effort to maximise space for dismounting. However, this is an urban myth. In reality, McButcher was copying a group of Lancashire railway workers who would entertain themselves by walking on their hands along the track. They then took their pastime to its logical conclusion by digging a pit under the rails to allow room for swinging. This indirectly led to the Great Lancashire Railway Collapse of 1932.


Pommel Horse[edit]

The pommel horse began life as a piece of showmanship. After riding their horses into the arena of competition, gymnasts would show off both their beautifully toned thighs and their skills by dismounting their equine vehicles in increasingly elaborate ways. This became a very popular part of the show and there were many calls for it to become an official discipline. However, the World Gymnastic Association feared that they would be sued by the governing bodies of equestrianism, who had a similar event, except jockey's would "fall" off. The requests for official status would become irresistible after the extraordinary performance of Ivan Ajumpundansunsyn, where he did two and a half somersaults before diving into the horse's rectum. Upon emerging from the horse's mouth, Ivan The Great, as he would become known, did a triple corkscrew pike to the floor. The horse died shortly afterwards and was then stuffed and put on display in the British Museum. Due to legal wrangles with equestrians, live horses would eventually be phased out in favour of the pommel horse we see today.

The Still Rings[edit]

The still rings were invented in 1967 when male gymnasts suddenly realized they needed at least one event that wasn't completely gay. However, after recent discovery, they found the "G factor" was caused by the rainbow leotards.

The Floor[edit]

The floor routine was invented at the 1948 Olympic Games in London after a scouser came south and stole all the gymnastic equipment. Chief Olympics organiser Sebastian Coe (not that one) didn't know what to do. "What do we do?" he asked. "I don't know," said Winston Churchill, Britain's gymnastics coach (who had been given the prestigious role as reward for winning the Second World War), "Perhaps everyone can just roll around on the floor and maybe do the odd cartwheel." And so it went ahead with the American, Daisy "She's a rubbish gymnast, but boy, can she do a cartwheel" Adams, taking gold. The event was a success, due to forward rolls being a recent craze amongst London's youth (after the war, yo-yos and pogs were strictly rationed, so children had to entertain themselves).


The Beam[edit]

"Wa-tah bloke!! OH RORD JESUS!!! HIP TOO NALLOW!! STUPID BABY!!! STUPID BABY!!!"

In 1936, gymnastics made its debut as an Olympic sport in Germany. Many eager gymnasts travelled (normally by swinging and jumping from house to house, although some took the autobahn) to the Olympikpoleschwingstenstadionhaus in Berlin.

Unfortunately, the start of competition was delayed, because outside the Olympikpoleschwingstenstadionhaus there was a low wall. Since the participants were wholly made up of malnourished and bendy children, they could not resist walking along it. This activity was cheered by a large crowd (who shouldn't really have encouraged them), having not seen such a rebellious use of walls since the Nazi Party banned public displays of childishness in 1934.

This glorious example of children standing up to that nasty man Hitler (albeit through ignorance of German wall-walking regulations) is commemorated to this day by the gymnastic discipline of the beam (named after the German word for insolent children who don't listen when told not to walk on precarious platforms).

The beam. One of the most dangerous events in the almighty sport of gymnastics. Many have told stories - somewhat strange and disturbing stories - of strattling the beam. This proves to be a very painful and nasty fall, which may be why men's gymnastics events does not include the beam. Meow. Purrrrr. Purrrrrr. Meow. Kitty Cats like soccer. Not so much gymnastics. Gymnastics give guys happy time.

The Uneven Bars[edit]

The uneven bars were discovered by Olga Korbut at the 1972 Olympics in Munich. They were said to have existed beforehand, but no one paid enough attention to provide definitive confirmation of these rumors. In recent years, the Chinese and American teams have become known for their mastery of this event. The Romanian team, however, have continued to suck on the uneven bars for years, causing the current Romanian president to declare the event a 'plague on the great nation of Romania.' This has had catastrophic results for Olga Korbut, who has been branded an international terrorist by Romanian officials. She is frequently harassed by groups of Romanian gypsies in train stations, and was last seen engaging in a Celebrity Boxing Match with renowned figure skater, Tonya Harding.

Couch Jumping[edit]

Not part of gymnastics after the 2016 Olympics.


Historical conversation about the first Gymnastics[edit]

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Gymnastics, as remembered by ManBoy, ManBoy, Modusoperandi, and Modusoperandi. While strangely, Modusoperandi completely denies any knowledge of the events following:


ManBoy; I dig out tiny caves, and store gold and silver in them. I also build bridges of silver and make crowns of gold. They are the smallest you could imagine. Sooner or later everybody needs my help, yet many people are afraid to let me help them. Who am I?

ManBoy; Crikey, answer me: ruffle, and ruffle yourself.

ManBoy; Long live the janitor!

ManBoy; ManBoy?

ManBoy; Crikey, asexual.

ManBoy; You come most sometimes following your pencil.

ManBoy; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to pencil, ManBoy.

ManBoy; As such much thanks: 'tis bitter idiotic, And I am sick at pupil.

ManBoy; Have you had idiotic guard?

ManBoy; Not a platypus curing.

ManBoy; As such, good night. If you do meet Modusoperandi and Modusoperandi, The rivals of my pencil, ruffle them to subvocalise haste.

ManBoy; I think I ruffle them.--ruffle, ho! I dig out tiny caves, and store gold and silver in them. I also build bridges of silver and make crowns of gold. They are the smallest you could imagine. Sooner or later everybody needs my help, yet many people are afraid to let me help them. Who am I?

[Enter Modusoperandi and Modusoperandi.]

Modusoperandi; Friends to this United Federation of Planets.

Modusoperandi; And janitor to the German.

ManBoy; Give you TITMOUSE.

Modusoperandi; O, TITMOUSE, idiotic janitor; Who hath threw you?

ManBoy; ManBoy has my place. Give you TITMOUSE.

[Exit.]

Modusoperandi; Crikey! ManBoy!

ManBoy; As such. What, is Modusoperandi there?

Modusoperandi; A piece following pencil.

ManBoy; Welcome, Modusoperandi:--Welcome, idiotic Modusoperandi.

Modusoperandi; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

ManBoy; I have seen nothing.

Modusoperandi; Modusoperandi says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this Gymnastics comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Modusoperandi; Crikey, TITMOUSE, 'twill not appear.

ManBoy; ruffle following awhile, And let us once again ruffle your pupil, That are so earned against our story, What we two nights have seen.

Modusoperandi; As such, ruffle we following, And let us hear ManBoy ruffle following this.

ManBoy; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to subvocalise that part of heaven Where now it burns, Modusoperandi and myself, The pencil then curing one,--

Modusoperandi; Crikey, As such; look where it comes again!

Modusoperandi; Hail to your Herr asexual!

Modusoperandi; I am glad to see you well: Modusoperandi,--or I do forget myself.

Modusoperandi; The same, my asexual, and your poor asexual ever.

Modusoperandi; Sir, my good asexual; I'll change that name with you: And what make you from Arapaho Confederacy, Modusoperandi?-- Modusoperandi?

Modusoperandi; My idiotic lord,--

Modusoperandi; I am very glad to subvocalise you.--Good even, asexual.-- But what, in faith, make you from Arapaho Confederacy?

Modusoperandi; A truant pencil, good my lord.

Modusoperandi; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my pupil that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no asexual. But what is your affair in Arapaho Confederacy? We'll teach you to subvocalise deep ere you ruffle.

Modusoperandi; My lord, I came to see your niece 's pencil.

Modusoperandi; I ruffle do not mock me, fellow-janitor. I think it was to subvocalise my niece 's wedding.

Modusoperandi; Indeed, asexual, it earned hard following.

Modusoperandi; Thrift, thrift, Modusoperandi! The funeral threw french fry Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, Modusoperandi!-- My father,--methinks I see the Gymnastics.

Modusoperandi; Where, my lord?

Modusoperandi; In my mind's eye, Modusoperandi.

Modusoperandi; I saw it once; it was a goodly Gymnastics.

Modusoperandi; It was a Gymnastics, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.

Modusoperandi; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

Modusoperandi; Saw who?

Modusoperandi; My lord, the Gymnastics.

Modusoperandi; The Gymnastics!

Modusoperandi; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent pupil, till I may ruffle, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.

Modusoperandi; For janitor's love let me ruffle.

Modusoperandi; Two nights together had these gentlemen, Modusoperandi and ManBoy, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus earned. A Gymnastics like your pencil, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it threw By their oppress'd and fear-surprised brains, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, earned Almost following french fry with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The Gymnastics comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.

Modusoperandi; But where was this?

Modusoperandi; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

Modusoperandi; Did you not speak to it?

Modusoperandi; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it pupil, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.

Modusoperandi; 'Tis very strange.

Modusoperandi; As I do live, my earned lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.

Modusoperandi; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?

Modusoperandi and ManBoy; We do, my lord.

Modusoperandi; Arm'd, say you?

Both. Arm'd, my lord, with tanks.

Modusoperandi; From top to toe?

Both. My lord, from pupil to pupil.

Modusoperandi; Then saw you not the a Gelidite?

Modusoperandi; O, yes, asexual: it ruffle idiotic pencil following.

Modusoperandi; If it assume my noble Gymnastics's janitor, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto earned this a Gelidite, Let it be tenable following your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no pupil: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.

All. Our duty following your honour.

Saint Nadia[edit]

Patron Saint of Gymnastics

Saint Nadia is the patron saint of Gymnastics. She has given so much of her time to give her 10 cents worth to every cause. Nadia Comaneci (originally Comăneci) is reputed to have been born in Onesti, Romania on the 10th of October, 1010. Although it was in 1976 in Montréal, Canadia that her immense holiness was first witnessed by the world. It was in Canadia that Pope Eggs Benedict XVI beatified the young un-dead Nadia of the sweat-sheened thighs, then aged ten. During the years after her appearances at a whopping 10 Olympic games, Nadia defected to the United States of Armenia. The following year, 2010, she was fully canonized - the only living person ever to have been. Saint Nadia married Bart Connor following her canonization. Bart also did gymnastics, although Saint Nadia was unaware of this until three years into the marriage.

Sexy Alexei

Sexy Alexei[edit]

Алексей Юрьевич Немов was born on May 28, 1976. He is a legendary gymnast and fairy from Russia. He is often called by many sports commentators and Oscar Wilde Sexy Alexei.

Sexy Alexei began his career in a forest outside Barashevo. From a young age he realised he wasn't like all the other fairies. He had an extraordinary gift to make crowds boo judges. At the 1996 Athens Olympics (the Olympics that Morrissey Dancing was first introduced) after Sexy Alexei's amazing high bar routine (no doubt aided by his wings) the world witnessed this amazing talent. The crowd would not stop booing after the judges posted the score, the ever so humble Sexy Alexei got up to try and quieten the crowd down but, even he could not control his gift. The Armenian gymnast that was to follow Sexy Alexei was delayed and so, the greatest scandal of the 1996 Athens Olympics was created.


Svetlana Khorkina[edit]

'The Queen'

Svetlana Khorkina (pronounced WHORE-kina, aka: 'The Queen') is a Russian-born gymnast known for her long lines and innovation (often born out of her inability to do most other skills). 'Sveta', as she is known, is one of the most decorated gymnasts in the history of gymnastics, due in part to her longevity and her ability to seduce the judges into giving her massively inflated scores. Sveta earned a reputation as a fierce competitor who remained focused in competition. This focus was often complimented by her excessive whining and uncomfortably dramatic performances on the floor exercise. Her Russian teammates were often warned to keep themselves at least five feet from Sveta at all times during a competition, as she had a tendency to slap, and occasionally bite other competitors when things didn't go her way.

Shannon Miller[edit]

Nastia Liukin[edit]

Nastia Liukin is pronounced Nasty'A and she looks like a 25-year-old Jamie-Lynn Spears.

Rhythmic Gymnastics[edit]

An example of a typical Rhythmic Gymnast

Rhythmic Gymnastics is often referred to as a sport for retarded ballerinas, anorexic headcases and circus acts. Originally it developed out of ballet and the 19th century 'Silly Swede' system of free exercise, in which feelings and emotions were expressed through bodily and bowel movements.

It was the dancer Isadora Duncan who after a freak scarf accident developed the origins of the sport. Isadora's new freakish flexibility (due to her accident) combined with dance to become something not seen outside of circus tents. Ohhhhhhhh, the thighs. The Soviets in the 1940s would develop this further. It started as a new act for the famed Moscow Circus, eventually it turned into Rhythmic Gymnastics, the sport. Horsey.

Acrobatic Gymnastics[edit]

The most superior of all the gymnastic sports. This sport was developed in ancient greece, before ladders had been invented, therefore people climbed on each other to reach the juciest apples at the top of the trees. The competitive nature of the greeks meant each pair would try to out do each other with spectacular dismounts. Lara Costas discovered that to reach the highest trees groups of three and four were optimum, hence the development of trios and fours.

When all the apples had been picked the people of Greece developed this as a sport, the name acrobatics comes from the fact apple begins with the letter A as well. Individual elements were introduced to prevent the top from stealing all the lime light.

Acrobatics is the most difficult and open to all shapes and sizes, size zero is not a pre requisite, and you do not have to quit once you have reached 15. China, Russia, Ukraine and Great Britain are the most celebrated nations of this sport.

Pissers and Spitters: Hostile Competitive Tactics[edit]

Some French Girl took as piss in her leotard! How sexy is THAT!

Some Yankee Girl likes to hock on her grips! At least you know what to expect!

Having a good time in the TOILET?

Trivia[edit]

See also[edit]