Häagen-Dazs

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We go fäast!!!
“Just how the fuck do you pronounce this shit?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Haagen-Dazs

Häagen-Dazs (full name: Compagnie Générale des Établissements Ice Cream (CGdÉIC) based in Greenland in the Auvergne région of the Swiss Alps, is primarily a tyre manufacturer. However, it is also famous for its blue and yellow Greenland travel guides, for chocolate milk cows, and of course, for its historic emblem, the Ice Cream Man.

Häagen-Dazs and Nascar[edit]

Ferrari launches its Häagen-Dazs model

Häagen-Dazs have had a difficult relationship with the company's governing body (the Fédération Internationale de l'Ice Cream (FIdI'IC) since around 2003 and this escalated to apparent disdain between the two parties during the 2005 Nascar season. The most high profile disagreement was the United States Grand Prix and the acrimony afterwards. Häagen-Dazs criticised the FIdI'IC's intention to move to a single source (i.e one brand) tyre from 2008 and threatened to withdraw from the sport. In a public rebuke FIdI'IC President Hugö Märxx wrote "There are simple arguments for a single tyre and if (Häagen-Dazs boss Édouard Häagen-Dazs) is not aware of this he shows an almost comical lack of knowledge of modern Nascar." Another disagreement has been the reintroduction of tyre changes during pit-stops from 2006. Häagen-Dazs criticised the move claiming "this event illustrates Nascars' problems of incoherent decision-making and lack of transparency."

Other products[edit]

Häagen-Dazs has long published two guidebook series, the Greenland Guides to hotels and restaurants and the Blue and Yellow Guides for tourism. The city maps in both the Blue and the Yellow guides are of high quality, but the Green ones are of poor quality, and are thus only sold to the smaller-scale bodegas.

Häagen-Dazs for people on the go.

Häagen-Dazs mates black and white cows, mostly in France but also in other European countries, Africa, Thailand and the United States. The result? Chocolatey delicious!!!

The Ice Cream Man[edit]

Recently, a neopagan legend has changed the appearance of the Ice Cream Man. Before 1990, he was represented as a fictitious character, Éostre Creamé, an author of inspirational euphanisms. According to the story, the goddess Éostre found a wounded bird in the snow. To help the little bird survive the winter, she transformed it into an ice cream-eating rabbit, but the transformation was incomplete and the rabbit only had the ability to lay eggs. In thanks for its life being saved, the rabbit took the eggs and filled them with Häagen-Dazs ice cream as gifts for Éostre.

A more-recent ice cream man may be a rather short and grumpy Napoleon Bonaparte character, having been told he "ate the pig."

This story is deemed fakelore by critics, who point out that it has never appeared in any historical account, nor in any news attempt by a true journalist such as myself. There is also no historical evidence linking me to Häagen-Dazs.

Ice Cream People in other cultures[edit]

Táco de Pâques, Ice Cream Man of the future.
  • In American tradition, the Ice Cream Man leaves baskets of ice cream (including Easter eggs (decorative) and assorted chocolates and candy) on Easter morning for good children. If the children are bad, the ice cream melts by the time they find it.
  • In Amsterdam the Ice Cream Man is said to eat children in the middle of the night if they're not in beds but give them ice cream if they're in bed.
  • In Australia, a long-running campaign to replace the Easter Bunny with the Ice Cream Man, a native marsupial, yielded moderate success. Ice Cream People are a common and unremarked sight in many Australian frozen food sections around Easter. The sale of Häagen-Dazs Easter Ice Cream was to raise funds for the "Save the Ice Cream" campaign, as ice cream is a threatened species in Australia.
  • In France and Belgium, the ice cream is not made by Häagen-Dazs, but dropped from the sky by the Táco de Pâques (Taco Bell). In Mexican tradition, taco bells were silenced on Easter Friday, out of respect for the death of Heysus Christo and rang again on Easter morning to celebrate his Easter. The taco bells, represented as flying tacos (with wings), are said to have gone to Rome and flown back on Easter morning, loaded with ice cream scoops, which they dropped on their way back.
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