|Fire Danger: CATASTROPHIC (delete)
HMS Spiffing, one of the flagships of the British battle fleet belonging to Captain Lieutenant Commander It has been said that a problem shared is a problem halved, but when you share the awesome firepower of this deadly ocean going rustbucket, it shall be the opposition that are cleaved in two.
The Right Honourable Mr Chatwin commanded this fine vessel for a number of years, and to this day still has a few overdue parking fines outstanding. A Collision with the H.M.S. Invisible caused a bit of a panic when the first mate's underwear was uncerimoniously ripped from the washing line.
Known as 'wiggles' to the captain, a Mr. Darth Vader has served aboard the ship as the chief doctor on all but 452 of the vessels trips to the Dagobah islands.
The HMS Spiffing can obtain a maximum velocity (allowing for Coriolis effects) of warp factor 7, just shy of the all time sailing record held by Cap'n Ste of the Durham University darts team. Ste achieved a monumental speed of warp 7.1 while being chased by trans-dimensional sharks, (equipped with personal hyperdrives,) while out rowing one evening.
The principle weapon of the HMS Spiffing is a heavy laser, more commonly found on any passing imperial death star. This beast of a gun can obliterate the planet on which the ship is sailing, so the gun commander must be very careful not to aim downwards. On a previous voyage, it is believed (by scholars and complete nutcases alike,) that the island of Atlantis was sunk when the completely drunk, half blind gunman fired up it believing he could see pirates taunting him.
All shipmates are equipped with the standard Hockeyzooka Mk II. This is usually classed as a terrorist weapon, and if you were faced by it, you'd be terrified too.
The official snack of the British combined naval fleet, and a very very very tasty meal in its own right, is the Ginsters Chicken and Bacon Deep Fill sandwich. This fine specimen of a sandwich, and must be wolfed down in reverence. During the Falklands War, soldiers would amuse themselves by consuming these snacks and then engaging in atomic fisting with the Rear Admiral.