A haggis tree is the birthplace of all haggi. Haggis, coming from the Latin word "haggus" (meaning "sheep fucker"), grows on the highest branches of this rare Scottish tree. It is illegal to chop these trees down due to the Haggis Protection Act of 1782, so most Scotsmen shake the haggis loose by banging their heads against the tree. The resulting brain damage helps them forget that their kilts make them look like Catholic schoolgirls. If you find a haggis tree, you are very lucky, as it is the source of the freshest haggis ever, and it spares you the trouble of having to chase a de-treed haggis around the Scottish highlands. You can plant a haggis tree in your own back yard by burying a fresh, live haggis and watering it with Scotch. However, this is rarely done, as Scotsmen never waste their Scotch whiskey. On the lower brances of the haggis tree are the caber branches, harvested for making cabers and sometimes for fermenting to make alcohol.
Origins of the Haggis Tree
According to an old Scottish legend, the haggis tree was created when a sheep got really drunk one day and tried to fuck a tree. According to some variations of the story, the sheep got pregnant and gave birth to the haggis tree; in other variations it was the tree that was impregnated. Either way, the haggis tree was born, and all trembled before its amazing haggosity. It got its name because of the entire McHaggis clan shattering their testicles while attempting to climb it.
Proper Care for a Haggis Tree
As stated before, you will need to water it with scotch, which is too much for most Scottish people to handle. You will also need to make love to the haggis tree on a regular basis, as well as sacrificing a goat to the almighty god of haggis. Also, you may take its life, but never its freedom, as this can have numerous unpleasant results such as anal bleeding, a haggis famine, or Welshmen.
Harvesting your Haggis
If you're too much of a wee little lassie to harvest yer haggis the traditional Scottish way, by headbutting the tree, you can use these alternate methods:
- Climb up the tree, try to grab the haggis, lose your balance, and fall balls-first on a branch, as the McHaggis clan did.
- Tell a haggis that you're rooting for an English soccer team to beat a Scottish team. According to the Scottish tradition of soccer hooliganism, it will jump off the tree to attack you.
- Enlist the aid of the Loch Ness Monster.