Haifa is a city by the sea, but because it's falling off, and has been falling off for years (like California from mainland U.S.A.), it's also known as the falling-off skyland. You see most of the city is on a mountaintop and the mountain is falling. Perhaps those living by the sea might perceive it that the sky is falling, but it's actually just Haifa. The sky is fine, it's totally o.k.
Once there were roughly 400,000 people living in Haifa, but due to massive earthquakes and fears of the mountaintop city falling off of mainland Israel, many people have moved to surrounding rural areas (known as the Krayot), and the population has decreased to about 400 families. The remaining families are religious Bahai zealots, who believe G-d promised them Haifa and will rescue them in any eventuality.
People know about Haifa because of the strange religious organization called the Bahai who call the city their holy home in the falling-off skyland. The Bahai are friendly and known for their endless vegetable gardens. Man, those people can put down some veggies! They all speak English, despite their diverse origins. Bahai literally come from all over the universe! You know those aliens your aunt is always claiming abducted her? Maybe they were giving her a ride to the temple in Haifa. Ever think of that?
Gay Cafe: Well, some people call it Kafe Katan (tranlation: little cafe), but what's the difference? The place is flaming with good decor, good food and good company. Omelettes or shakshuka (an Arab egg dish of tomatoes, onion and garlic, seared and simmered in a cast-iron pan, then a few eggs thrown in for good measure), they'll serve it to you with salad and a smile. Because breakfast was meant to be served with salad. Gay Cafe is located in the Masada neighborhood, hilly, run-down gut full o' flavor. There is a Carmelito subway stop directly across from the cafe.
Hummus: The best hummus in the Middle East comes from the nearby ancient city of Akko. Akko is stunningly beautiful but is also the secret headquarters of Hamas, as Hamasniks Hanker for Hummus. Try the shawashi while you're there, that's when the Hummus guys add their extra balls to the smooth creamy treat.
Dessert: People in falling-off skyland are particularly fascinated with a strange breed of native that resides in the area: the Israeli Arab. Most likely due to the kickass baklava and kanafe the natives serve up in their little intifadaland arcade, called Wadi Nisnas. If you're visiting friends in Haifa make sure to bring them some fresh baklava or kanafe to avoid being considered extremely rude and thrown out on your ass.
While the centralized nature of Haifa clearly makes walking or bicycling the most convenient method of getting around, the Municipality, in cooperation with the Ministry of Transportation, has recently outlawed private automobiles and increased public transportation:
- Shuttle Bus - for people who like to be shuttled
- Regular Bus - for people who like to risk death by suicide bombing
- Carmelito - with a limited route and only 6 stops, the Carmelito subway is almost like an elevator, taking passengers up and down a steep slope. The Carmelito, named after Hector Carmelito who brought the first burritos to Haifa, is Israel's first and only subway.
- Cable Car - The Stella Maris cable cars in Haifa transport livestock from the Mediterranean coast to the top of Mount Carmel. Because goatherding can be exhausting with all that climbing.
- Train - trains may only be taken from the exit of town to other towns. Trains have been blackballed from the inner city ever since the Great Train Riots of '67.
- Cab - Taxis are allowed in most areas of the city, but are blocked from entering certain neighborhoods on the Jewish Sabbath, which, like Black Sabbath, is becoming increasing obscure in the free world.
- Yom Kippur - no vehicles except ambulances may roll on Yom Kippur. Violators of this law are decapitated in the Merkaz HaCarmel.