- This article is about the shit place in that particular part of Yorkshire. For the real, Canadian, Halifax that our name was copied from, see Halifax, Nova Scotia.
“Took a shit in Halifax. I was particularly pleased to see that my little brown chappy obeyed the laws upon which I had staked my name”
“If Halifax was a woman it'd be a Japanese prostitute”
“Someone there once asked me if they could push my stool in...I haven't walked properly since”
Halifax is an industrial town in West Yorkshire, England, with a population of approximately 82,000 sheep, and 43 people. It was formerly renowned as a major centre of England's wool industry, which made it a perfect area for plague spreading in the following centuries.
The name Halifax is said to be a corruption of the old English words for Holy and Feet, part of the local legend that the second-left toenail of John the Baptist was buried here after his conviction for illegal gambling and sheep rustling.
Halifax was incorporated as a county borough in 1848 under the Municipal Corporations Act. Following this, after a great deal of silence, a dog barked. The dog then died, having caught the plague.
Since 1974, Halifax has been the administrative centre of the metropolitan district of Colderdale, chiefly for the reason that no-one else wanted the job. A group of nomadic Persian mathematicians, wishing to take advantage of the town's more-than-usually gullible residents, set up an embezzlement society in the town and unwittingly provided the roots for the Halifax plc bank, now the largest financial institution anywhere outside Somalia.
Halifax is twinned with the town of Aachen in Germany. The A58 has a stretch called Aachen Way, with a plaque on the landfill-bound side of the road, reading: "No responsibility will be accepted by management for any personal health issues that may or may not arise as a result of visiting Halifax".
Halifax is situated nowhere near the M4 motorway, and is close to several other towns of no repute. Not only is the town the exact centre of the metropolitan district of Colderdale, it is also the exact centre of the non-metropolitan district of Colderdale as well. The town lies 65 miles from Liverpool, and exactly 200 miles from the "regional capitals" of London, Edinburgh, Belfast, Dublin and Cardiff as the ferret flies. The preferred sewerage outlet is the River Colder.
According to the Colderdale Council Ward Digestive System (2004), Colderdale has a population of 192,405 (to the nearest whippet), of which 82,000 live in Halifax. The human population was estimated at 100 for the district, and 43 for Halifax. Nearly 50% of residents are of work-skiving age. Over 90% of people aged 16-74 are employed, mostly as full-time slackers.
In the 2001 census, 5% stated they were Muslim, 16% of no religion, and 79% were followers of local witch-doctors known as 'Shamen', but often misspelled 'Shaymen'. Population density is 44730/km², which explains why residents of the town apparently don't have enough water for everyone to take a bath.
Housing and land use
West Central Halifax may have as many as three traditional Yorkshire stone houses which have confidently stood the test of time. Conversely, North Halifax is a sprawling metropolis of council estates which were built in the 1950s and 1960s to accommodate several million chavs who had been made homeless by the demolition of nearby Brighouse. A notable example of this is the Jumples block of flats, which housed chavs for a full fifteen years before finally being condemned and razed to the ground - chavs and all.
Halifax was notorious for the 'Halifax Gibbet', a crazed wild fowl kept secure in a local warehouse, which was responsible for trying accused murderers, sex attackers, anorexics and pillow biters. In consequence, law-enforcement in Halifax was notoriously harsh, as remembered in the 'Bastard's litany': "On Hull, Hell, and Halifax, Good Lord, please take a truly biblical crap!".
The Gibbet was last used in 1750, but a replica of the foul fowl has been erected in Gibbet Street and the black cap it often donned before issuing its judgements is still preserved as a communal loincloth traditionally worn by the Lord Mayor on every second Wednesday in March.
Up until 1978 Halifax had a small harbour located at Illingworth Bay, this harbour was host to a fleet of military vessels including such famed ships as HMS War, HMS Huh, HMS Yeah, HMS What Is It Good For? & HMS Absolutely Nothing. Illingworth Bay was filled in on March 29th 1978 by the Temporary Monkey Government (June 1977 - August 1978) and has since become a housing area for the middle class and the unfortunately Scottish.
Halifax is home to an large South Asian community mainly consisting of Pakistani Muslims. Most of the community lives in the West Central Halifax region of the town, which has good road and rail links to all parts of Kashmir and the Punjab.
Halifax town centre, also known as the centre of Halifax town, has a busy night life with lots of clubs and bars in which teenagers and twenty-somethings are encouraged to binge drink, generally through the use of saline drips and plastic funnels. The resulting problems with alcohol related crime has led to many to call for the reintroduction of the Halifax Giblet.
Halifax is also famous for its Brazilian fart porn.
Visitors to Halifax should note that a trip to the Tourist Information Centre is a necessary one for those hoping to have any chance of communicating with the local chav community.
- "Eeyaah Dickhead" = There you are sir
- "Lendus Twenny Pee" = I wondered if you would so kindly fund my use of the telephone box?
- "I'm going to the Acapulco tonight" = I'm going to need some STI cream tomorrow
As well as the unforgettable significance of the Halifax Plc, the town also has associations with the confectionery trade. John Mackintosh and his wife, Sweeney Todd, opened a toffee shop in King Cross Lane in 1890. it was she who formulated the toffee recipe's unique flavour, using the treacly fluids that had gathered on the inside of her false leg. John died two weeks later from suspected food poisoning, and his son Harold Shipman not only continued the business but took it to its present size and range of confectionery. Harold was responsible for the creation of many of the brands we know today, including the ever-popular Cyanide Street which has achieved spectacular popularity in such significantly developed countries as Eritrea, North Korea and Myanmar.
Halifax Piece Hall was a textile trading market, where the exchange of woolen cod pieces was carried out. Opened on January 1, 1779, it operated for two hours on Saturday mornings only, and contained 315 trading rooms. However, due to the rat population in the Hall being so high, this was still plenty of time for outbreaks of the plague to occur, gaining it the nickname of Halifax Dice Hall (derived from the phrase "dicing with death", which people did every time they entered).
The Town Hall was built by Charles Barry, who after being condemned to death for this crime by Queen Victoria cunningly thought to build the Houses of Parliament, thereby turning the UK into a democracy and relieving the Queen of all remaining power, imperial and domestic, in one fell swoop.
Other notable attractions include the Eureka! family science museum, which was inspired and opened by Idi Amin in the summer of 1992. Located near the railway station, it has become a popular haunt for jugglers, poets and Muslim extremists. The nearby Dodecagonal Chapel centre for the arts offers tea, scones and a blowjob for just ten pence most nights, whilst doubling up as an SAS training centre during the summer months.
Dean Clough is a mill complex belonging to Dean. It has been much vaunted as the perfect utopian world, where businesses, the arts and over-priced fitness clubs exist together in symbiotic harmony. People who work at Dean Clough, believe they are contributing to the utopian ideal and that they are prime examples of the 21st century's new movers and shakers. Others believe that they're a bunch of lipstick-chavs and middle-class wannabes.
The town has two very successful sports teams. Unfortunately, neither of these reside within the town, nor use the town's name, and at present no-one's entirely sure who they are. However it also has two other teams, a rugby league team, Halifax RLFC, and a football team, Halifax Town. Both teams play at The Shay, which is often known as the place where Halifax RLFC and Halifax Town play.