Halifax, Nova Scotia

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This article is about the charming, historic and fake Halifax in Nova Scotia, Canada. For the complete and utter dump in England, see Halifax (dump).
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Halifax, Nova Scotia.
Famous Halifaxian Ellen Page, molesting a cat.

Halifax is a city of a population of a few hundred fishermen, a few dozen sailors, a handful of bureaucrats, one or two techies, prostitutes, and a village idiot or two. It is the capital of Nova Scotia, Canada, and it rests somewhere in the ocean between Newfoundland and New York. Although Halifax is not currently an island, a municipal project is in the works to surround it with water using a gigantic pothole.

History[edit]

Halifax was founded in 1749. Then not much happened. Then in 1917 it asploded. Then not much happened. After an interview with a 119 year old man he confirmed this by saying "Great boom then ploop".

Politics[edit]

Halifax is the capital of the kingdom of Nova Scotia. It was the home of the parasitic Conservative dynasty led first by John Hamm and then later by his bastard son Rodney MacDonald. The Conservatives are like leeches, sucking all the money out of surrounding counties and using it to build their personal fortune and buy votes in Halifax. They steal from all parts of the province but they've stolen the most from Cape Breton. Mayor John Morgan continues to be a thorn in the side of the Conservative dynasty but he is only a minor set-back in the Conservatives' plan to demoralize Cape Breton and eventually turn it into a nuclear test site / quarry for self-lighting driveway gravel. Ironically, Supreme Overlord MacDonald hails from Cape Breton, but once he had a taste of power he lost any morals he had and assimilated into mainland culture.

Following the June 2009 provincial election, Supreme Overlord MacDonald was ousted in a vote-driven coup by Union Party leader Darrel E. (for Evil) Dexter. Taxes immediately rose to 90%, and all middle income families fled to the sea. On the plus side, all beavers and moose received free dental and fishing rights in the Halifax Harbour.

Geography[edit]

Halifax has two major areas - the domain of Dalhousie University, which spans approximately 75% of the city proper, and Everything-Else-That's-Not-Dalhousie, containing such lowly sites as the Commons, Night Magic Fashions, and Saint Mary's University.

Halifax is in Nova Scotia, which is in Canada, which is on Earth...which is in Canada.............which is in Toronto.

Trailer Park Boys[edit]

Halifax is also home to the stars of the reality TV show Trailer Park Boys. The Sunnyvale Trailer Park is a just short drive outside the city. The stars of the documentary are international celebrities and have also starred in their own video game Grand Theft Auto: Sunnyvale Trailer Park, which is based on the documentary and life in Nova Scotia in general.

Meteorologists[edit]

A curious feature of Halifax is how the weather forecasters in Halifax are up in a whirl wind. Halifax news locations are known for blowing around it's meteorological forecasting teams, possibly due to a large amount of kitten huffingPeter Coad is a fucking witch and should be burned at a stake for predicting the weather too well. For more information on this breaking story, see related UnNews article: UnNews:Meteorological_mess. Meteorologists most famous and uterly unexpressive saying is "Don't like our weather... wait a minute." Halifax is known for it's foggy atmosphere, most of it coming from all the marijuana smoking done behind the CBC or the high school.

Motorcycle Gang activity[edit]

Here in the great city of Hellifax, there are a growing number of motorcyclists, many of which are calm peace loving people. However, there are a few scroggins that like to cause mayhem and disorder wherever they roam. We have, for example, the bikers down at the waterfront who hang around like pigeons waiting for old people to throw them bread. Then they attack.

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Then there are the ones who look like refugees from Gilligan's Island that like to shout at the pigeons:

Turn it up ya' pigeon!!

And occasionally you run into the ones who are the real troublemakers that have no respect for the law or other citizens:

ZZZZZZ

Be very careful when approching any of these bikers as they sometimes bring their attack dog along for protection. File:Mya 1.jpg

These people should be run out of town and banned from riding those obnoxious noisy machines!

Demography[edit]

Most Haligonians are of alien descent, this explains the oddity of their blue noses. Many dozens of people volunteered to await their mother ship in Halifax as opposed to waiting in Newfoundland, Cape Breton and other uncivilized counties of rural Nova Scotia. Because of this, Halifax has been able to maintain an artificial population of emigrants.

This population of emigrants is noted for its fear of tall, modern structures. It has been suggested that this is less of a "phobia" and is grounded in reason. Some argue the inhabitants of Halifax live in fear of pirate invasion from the shores of Halifax Harbour. Large, modern buildings may interfere with the military defense of Halifax's main fortress, Citadel Hill. Citadel Hill's cast iron cannons are diligently pointed in defense of the Alexander Keith's Brewery (considered the only target for pirate attacks in Halifax, except for a rumour of buried treasure at Dalhousie University).

There is some historical debate as to whether or not Haligonians actually embrace or reject the notion of pirate pillaging and looting. It's a little known fact that most of the world's supply of garden gnome lawn ornaments is produced in the suburb of Cole Harbour. A more commonly known fact is that Cole harbour has been developing genetically enhanced "Super" hockey players for several years now, some early attempts have been seen recently on board Canadian Naval vessels.

Important Person[edit]

Little little Ray Ray is the most biggest hero ever in Halifax. He was a fire fighter that died in WWII fighting a giant fire monster. The Ray Ray statue is really big and shinny. It has also been rumoured that the video game Medal of Honour is based around Ray Ray's activities in the war.

Trivia[edit]

  • Halifax refers to its golden retriever seeing eye dogs as 'golden eye dogs'.
  • Halfiax is 45% Protestant and 100% reliable.
  • Halifax's most popular hairstyle is the 'dreadhawk'.
  • Halifax's most feared bird is also the 'dreadhawk'.
  • Halifax is getting annoyed with the way you pronounced banal.
  • Halifax is a city for lovers.
  • Halifax is not your friend.
  • Halifax is where Peter North is from
  • Halifax is, more importantly, where Ellen Page is from.

See Also[edit]