Halo
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| Halo | |
|---|---|
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| Developer | Vatican Games in association with Holy Games and jit pals anus, in conjunction with Bungie |
| Release Date | 1314 but will have a remake for the xbox wii 60 and for the PeeS 32543 for 2045 |
| Genre | first person ethnic cleanser and third person car bomber |
| Platforms | Cardboard box with "X" written on it |
| Rating | PG 2000 not suitable for anyone under the age of 3 |
| Would Kyle Broflovski play it? | if it were a jalapeno on a stick! |
“Chief, what is that light over there?!?! A cross...?!?!?!”
~ Cortana with Master Chief
“Oh My God! IT'S JESUS!!!”
“This Master Chief guy is stealing my bit. The Flood is killing everyone and you need a giant Ark to save humanity? Seriously, total rip-off.”
~ Noah on plot elements
Regarded, by many, as the best game, of all time, through out the universe, with out a doubt, and makes every other game ever made look like a steaming pile of mario excrement. While some may say the it contains linear and redundant level design, and others may say a game like Metal Gear Solid or Half Life 2 provides a more complex and intricate gameplay and story, they are "gay," "are just saying it because they're too poor to afford an xbox," or "like the PS3 because it's gay."
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[edit] Online play
Halo is recognized as having the most effective online playing to date, using the free service of xboxlive which is recognized as 100% reliable.
The actual mechanics of online play consist of several game types, including s14yz0rz, Capture the F**, and in a high pitch voice proclaiming your deadness to your mom upstairs. There is a total of 2.3 maps that come with the game and require a monthly fee of five-thousand dollars (2 euros). One of the major drawbacks of the game is that respawn time is 72 hours.
***SPOILER***
The final boss in the game is a giant iMac that shot iPods at your face and hit you with a one-click-piece-of-crap mouse. Although the original boss was a huge white puzzle-sphere named "Wikipedia". ***END SPOILER***
The majority of the game is played by fat people,furfags,Koreans,Americans, and maybe some of the emo population as an excuse for being a poser if someone ever found out. Halo players strive at nothing to become the greatest Halo master of all time, so they train themselves in the arts of n00bing n00bs for endless hours in their ultimate quest to kill 'em all. Anyone that is under them is a n00b and must perish, then be constantly teabagged for countless hours. However, anyone better than them is obviously a cheater or an evil Satanic practicer of The H4ckz, and should also perish. In short, these people are a minority and are only known for an unnoticeable statistic on the census and should be treated as such. If you find anyone in your server who is better than you, ban him.
[edit] Legends of Halo
New001 - An omnipresent, supernatural force, New001 has many personalities and skill levels. Unlike most players, it is sometimes a professional sniper, sometimes uses aimbot, and sometimes just sucks. Sometimes it uses ammo responsibly, sometimes it uses full auto without aiming. Sometimes it never says a word, sometimes it's the most sociable person ever. Any attempt to understand New001 will result in death by falling 50-pound traffic cones.
Yourself - The ultimate arch nemesis of you, an omnipresent, supernatural force who cannot be defeated, if you manage to kill him you just have actually killed yourself instead.
a vehicle - Like New001, a vehicle is another omnipresent, supernatural force in Halo, but is far less skilled. It gets the majority of its score by hacking servers and claiming a kill whenever a Warthog, Scorpion, etc. falls on and kills someone. a vehicle will often use an additional hack which removes its name and score from the name and score list (which lists names and scores).
HIS PENIS - Like the other two (this is getting repetitive), the log console then says "Caboose was killed by HIS PENIS", what a rhetorical and self-explanatory statement.
[edit] Sequels
RYEE has announced that a sequel, "Halo 2: Combat Intelligently Designed" will be released for players who were sent to hell and want to stop dancing to the catchy beat of the most hated song in the game, the MJOLNIR remix . Little information is known about "Halo 2: Combat Intelligently Designed" except the basic plot which consists of Satan returning and, in realizing that he cannot defeat the player, to release the player, under the condition that he will serve Satan in spreading his heathen ideas on evolution for all eternity. "Halo 4: Combat Quite Clever" has not had much thought put into it yet, just like the other two games. "Halo 5: Combat is Starting To Suck" and and "Halo 6: Suck My Nads" are due to be released next year but we don't know any info on them, however, we do know that they center around covering the holy twinky factory with used (or as other people would put it, "recycled") toilet paper.
[edit] Upgrades to New Game
With the release of a new game, Bungie will include new changes they thought were crucial, these are listed below:
Master Chief has abillity to perform the "Barrel Roll"
Maulers will be given a scope
Radar Jammers might become useful.
Master Chief will have the ability to go Super Saiyan
Master Chief will have more than 3 lines of dialogue.
New Samus Aran character to multiplayer.
Following the imprisonment of Master Chiefs voice actor, (Master Chief will be voiced by Tiny Tim.)
You will now be able to swallow grenades and jump head first into a squad of enemies.
A new weapon called "Teh Spartin Lazorg" has been added, allowing players to kill other players, something previously unseen in Halo: Holy Combat.
Energy sword is re-named the 'Glowing Toothpick From Hell'
A new upgrade will appear named the 'S00p3r M3g4 1337 Sp4r14n from H33l whooze h33r3 to k1ck ur 4rze' Master Chief (or an elite, if you play as an elite, but seriously who would intentionally be an eite?) gets 3000% Damage, 20% more health and is invisible. . . and can become god, player then has the power to smite thy opponents by summoning and flinging multiple Bill Gates with his 1337 H4kzorz skilzzzz.
Bill Gates power up: Bill gates will appear on the map and help you by sueing all other players for copyright infringement. He will then proceed to take their weapons, armour and boxer shorts and gift them to you.
[edit] Legendary Edition
The Legendary Edition of Halo was released for people who believed that if they spent more on the packaging of the game, they were superior (in the eyes of the Lord). The main problem that gamers had was that the the much publicized 'Legendary Helmet' was no more than a crown of thorns made of some sticks and grass. Then you got put on a cross.
[edit] Famous Player's of Halo Online
- aTikleMonsta - An awe enspiring embodient of pure halo talent, in many third world countries he is revered as a god. In times of crisis tribesmen pray to him in the form of tickling their chickens. If you ever have the privilege to meet him in the game it will be only for a moment before the inevitable bullet passes between your eyes.
- New001 - An omnipresent, supernatural force, New001 has many personalities and skill levels. Unlike most players, it is sometimes a professional sniper, sometimes uses aimbot, and sometimes just sucks. Sometimes it uses ammo responsibly, sometimes it uses full auto without aiming. Sometimes it never says a word, sometimes it's the most sociable person ever. Any attempt to understand New001 will result in death by falling 50-pound traffic cones. He will also sometimes kill you with a giant soccerball.
- AIDS - *AIDS - This spartan smokes everyone. The greatest players bow to him. He attacks with a sniper, enrgey sword, or his favorite, a sniper. Uses his pelvis comm connection to Cortana to release a flood of baby AI's which confuse the enemy. AIDS kills evreyone. AIDS killed you too.
- User: Wuggeh- Master of the Halo Universe, he single-handedly made love to a Japanese Walrus while simultaneously defeating the Flood and getting a gamerscore of 1,500,000, all in 4 minutes.
- Meplease- This guy is unbeleivable. He kicks ass times two and then kicks it again. Can commonly be seen hidding in extinction, except you won't see him, for he is hiding.
- Anal Rape - This guy, along with Osama, absolutly sucks. Nothing more said.
- Osama - Never play with this guy. If you see him, contact you suicide hotline or he will come to your house and rape you. He loves little boys. He is more fond, however, of babies, so if you have any, please keep away from him. WARNING: If you have any cats, STAY AWAY FROM HIM.
- Your Face - The ultimate arch nemesis of yourself, an omnipresent, supernatural force who cannot be defeated, if you manage to kill him you just have actually killed yourself instead.
- Volcanisity - George the volcano will appear and say W00T! and fill all the enemies with volcanisity! (if you don't get this, watch the video on YouTube called volvic water commercial)
- Dragoneye1191 - Best F***ing Team Swat player ever. Definetly a HaloFag.
- Noob002 - This rapist follows you on every server. If you have him as an enemy, he will kill and T-Bag you. If you are on his team, he will jump in your head and T-Bag you from above. It's kinda like having you leg dog humped by a grown man. He (or it, it may bethe incredible man-dog) could be Dennis Ferguson... Scary. He also likes little boys.
- Sn1p3r - Absolutely amazing with a sniper rifle (what else, look at his name, buttmunch). Whatever happens, avoid being out in the open when he is on your server, even if he's on your team. That's right, he uses team-mates as target practice..... that or he's color blind (i've got no idea). Also lethal in a banshee or hog as he is legendary at spawn-camping (killing people as they re-spawn).
- Realgirl - don't believe a word of it, she is actually a 50 year old convicted sex-offender who likes nothing more than giving players a 'ride in the hog' (if you know what I mean).
- Caboose the vehicle destroyer - the biggest team killing fucktard that ever lived. Names like these can give the personality of the player straight away. He also does not want to catch pregnancy
- Chris11223 - A chronic sufferer of AFK syndrome, he has the rare and uncanny disease that makes him start games and leave midway thru without quitting, leaving his character motionless in the on-going game. Serious gamers beware, Chris11223 may just "ann0y t3h sh!t" out of you.
- Tucker 7001 - A fuckin' good sniper. He is omnipotent. Best player you can probably ever see. Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow. Plus, Caboose 7001 is the guy who starred in "Two Guys One Hole", and "BME Pain Olympics", not Tucker
P.S. Yea right! I did that! BIIIIITCHHHHHHHHHHESSSS!
- xxxXXXxxxXXXxxxXXX iTz MLGsIkBr1337nUbk1113rbk XXXxxxXXXxxxXXXxxx- A 1337-455 "pro" who rips on every other player for being a "scrub", a "nub" or a "bk (bad kid)" and thinks he's the best player ever, due to his amazingly 1337 mlg skillz. He's not.
- Asgl 'Motosee - Another person in the world that thinks making up a new strange user name is cool, when the fact is that no one gives a shit.
Edit: oh common my name is awesomely origional! their are people out their that name themselves after elite in the universe but i elitified my atual name (Elite namelizer by stuntmutt, find it your selfe). BTW the paragraph about the name replaced my origional paragraph bit.
- Ogamefanatic - "OHMYGAWD!!! AGGGGH!!! SMITE THE INFIDEL!!!!.... Sorry!" The Ogamefanatic is known for spawnkills, unfortunately, he doesn't really care which team he's killing. He has a tendency to get headshots from behind you when your head fills his shotguns entire reticule. AVOID THE OGAMEFANATIC! Unless he's on the enemies team, then he's their problem.
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- A Puppy - Would you ever want to kill our be killed by somthing fluffy and 1/8th your size. Very dangerous if not house trained. You do not want to slip on dog piss.
- TheTankMan - This is possebly the worlds worst player of this game, he sucks so bad a retarded cat with no eyes and disproportionate arms and legs becuace of a cat wakeboarding catastrophy would be able to beat him up and beat him on the game 50 - 5.
- HazzBenson - This guy is the worlds best halo 3 player its such a shame his name sucks so much so to resolve this problem he playes the game with his eyes on back to front with the controler up his ass.
(that must hirt)
- Your Mom - Thats right, I bet you didn't know your mom played Halo. She's addicted to it and on every other server. Like New001, her skill and stupidity can vary. Avoid at all costs.
- Suici... - The fags that when stuck by a plasma grenade charge at you and yell suicide. Most deadly when in close proximity of whenever they are stuck. Avoid at all costs
- a vehicle - he's everywareeeeeeeeee. Likes poop. Sniff the testes!
- Warren Byrne-This guy s awesome. You will find him under a warthog or playing cards with cheif and the arbiter.
- Ward001 - is a total aresucking cock,but can kill stuff,and is also Brickman100's translator,who only speaks klingon.
- ShAdEd_PaSt... - is an emo player who usually ends up with many suicidal homicides killing up to 7 players at once not including himself. Also likes all kinds of fully automatics. Explosives are the best though... Women hate him.... Woman beater...
- Lunatic Joker87- a over reacting homo (who always quits early) with many faggy fag friends fag from geoga (in africa), he will never lose becase you yourself always do something wrong, he is the great great grand neicewue of Chuck Norris' great great grandson's dog's unloveing mut of a husband...did i mention hes gay...
- Mike- Mike is the fag that sucks ass at halo and will only stand around getting in the way of every one who goes near him.
dosent he just piss u off
- predator - always joins girls only games and pretends to be a female until just before he quits when he reveals he is
a dude and pisses everyone off also major fan of red vs blue he not a banshee noob ( they suck monkey balls) and he frequently finds interesting new ways to kill himself in embarassing ways ever heard of death by grunt nade funny shit
- K41P - Being almost as worse as AIDS, this players excessive use of aimbots is incomprehensible . Has disappeared after the incident on the bus. His Best achievement was 152 kills in under 10 minutes(below average expectations of a aimbotter).
- IpLaYcOdWaW - This player, if you kill him, will either come to your house and rape you or somehow manage to spawn-kill you until you rip all your hair out. He will follow you everywhere and kill you as much as he can while critisizing you and teabagging is also common. (This cannot be avoided, as you cannot turn off or unplug anything in your home)
- (.Y.) - I am awesome. 'Nuff Said
- 8===D - I am more awesome. More than " 'nuff " Said
- iTx c00135t 5p4rt4n guy 0f 5upp053d 4w350m3!!! xXx - An MLG player. If you beat him he will ask you to join his clan, although if you ask him to join your clan after losing to him (even by 1 point) then he will turn up his nose at you very obnoxiously, it might sound something like this "sorry dude, get a high rank like me and then I might be able to spare more than a minute of your pathetic company". This person is said to have his head lodged so far up his anal passage that all waste product has to be extracted through the skin pores.
- ???GOOD HACKER??? - This guy/gal is somewhat like a robin hood of modders. Rather than using his/her hacking skills to win at halo he/she creates brilliant levels that aren't possible to make in standard forge, bans evil hackers, moderates games through modding and counter-mods. The person here is so good at hacking that not even bungie know anything about him/her, not even his/hers user name. But every member secretly admires them.
- The Guardians - Omnipotent; like new001, only their skill doesn't vary. Every accident that has ever occurs logs itself as the guardians' kill. The Guardians have 1,000,000 more kills than the second highest killer. Some people say The Guardians have the power to launch objects through space at high speeds, shoot lasers, kill at will, cause random inane glitches at precise locations, lag people in and out of matches and even ban them!
[edit] Halo in Today's Society
[edit] MLG
MLG is short for Major League Gayness, which is an organized official group of gamers who actually believe that Halo is a sport and can be played professionally. About all they are good with is the battle rifle. If they're good at anything else, they are not true Pro Haloers (for the purpose of this article, they will from here on out be called "Halofags"). Also, any time you happen to kill a Halofag in combat, he was either tired, didn't feel like playing, was distracted, had the view of the screen obstructed, thought that you were lagging due to his Wal Mart connection, or a less-experienced player was playing for them the exact moment they died, as the real player tended to something else.
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Because Halo is a true sport, requiring exercise, coordination, and being sweaty and over-muscular, all Halofags can fuck your ass in real life, so it doesn't matter if you can beat them in the game. Be warned of this whenever arranging to fight one in real life. Also, they are all conveniently gay and have hot boyfriends, so insist on insulting them. Prepare to be called "fabulous" several times, as this is their favorite adjective used to describe anything pretty. However, their physical appearance is so revolting and feminine that they will be apprehended by Area 51 and the government will make them never have existed far before they can get to, or even find you. If every Halofag tells you they will come to your house and "k1k ur a$$", they must be able to, and after they're done that, they will steal your wallet and then proceed back home. But again, they can't because their Xbox would be really far away then, and since the thing weighs 6.022x1023 megagrams and they can't bring it with them, they won't leave home without it.
[edit] How to Tell if you're an MLG Halofag
Do you... Suck at Halo? Not respect yourself? Claim to not care about winning solely because you have never experienced success at any level of your life?
If you answered no to any of these questions, you just may be a Halo Master. If you answered yes to any of them, you may not, but there is still a chance that you are. If you answered Yes to all of these questions, you are this guy.
[edit] Better than a Halofag? No way!
Remember, it is possible to be better than a Halofag. Do you play the game for fun, and don't care if you are t3h m0st 1337, n00b-pwnz0rzing H410 MLG d00d 3v4r?!1?!?!!!!eleventyone? Do you partake in the act of [powerful weapon or vehicle name here] n00bing just because it's fun to listen to people whine and bitch? Are you terrible at Halo? You may not be better than an MLG Halofag at Halo, but you have more morals and are probably a much better person than a Halofag. Way to go, you're better than them!
We hope this article was very informative, and may even have convinced you to try the game. 7h4nk u 4 r34d1ng.
[edit] Recon Helmet
Recon helmet is a helmet that doesn't exist, the sole purpose is to keep n00bs playing. Recon doesn't look that good yet people still want it, this helmet will actually be obtainable by buying halo 3:ODST (organ donate super tards) bungie's way of getting you to buy there game, recon actually fires lazers at people, but people with this helmet don't use this because jesus gets jealous of that power and doing so will have jesus fall from the sky with a flechette shotgun and commit genocide. His gamer tag will show up as ubercorpreal.
