Ham Disease

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“I lost my best buddy to ham disease in 'Nam. Damn Charlie!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Ham Disease makes you fat!”
~ Captain Obvious on Ham Disease
“Oh no I have ham disease! I must eat spinach before I asplode!”
~ Fat People
“BOOM!”
~ 5 Seconds Later
“YOUR MOM has Ham Disease!”
~ anonymous

Note: this passage has been auspiciously enhanced to a superior class of its own deviation as compared to external bourgeois writings by an indeterminate quantity of superfluous, redundant, and unnecessary circumlocution with a facilitation of being supplemented for more tangible wording for purposes unidentified but for the capricious whims and digressions of the creator thereof.

Ham Disease, scientific name Haminopteryx Dysfunctionalys, is a fatal disease caused by overdosing on ham and robocops are crap. In America, it is known as obesity. Apparently, in America, 1 out of every 10 people has this disease, but it is somehow not contagious. I’m starting to lose my faith in the scientific community right about now.

A victim of ham disease. Poor thing.

Contents

[edit] Description

Ham disease is caused when you eat too much ham, and it alters your genetic structure. This causes random healthy cells to turn into ham cells, which serve no purpose other than to take up space and taste like ham. Eventually, the body becomes so bloated and deficient that all it can manage to do is sit around on the couch and watch TV. Scientists have diagnosed this as couch potatoism, but this is a very misleading name. Potatoes have nothing to do with it. This name probably stemmed from the fact that until 2012, scientists thought that potatoes were the culprit for ham disease. Why this is, no one knows. Now I’m really losing my faith in the scientific community. Anyway, once the body gets too large and bloated and deficient, it will asplode while shouting AAAAAAA!. (see asplode)

[edit] Cures

There is no known cure for ham disease. All of those weight loss products ARE A SCAM! The only way to prevent it is to eat lots of spinach, which contains lots of DHD. DHD stands for Die, Ham, Die, and is the only widely known ham disease stopping agent known to man.

[edit] Prevention

Eat only cured ham.

[edit] How it Works

[edit] WTF?

Although ham has existed for centuries, no one actually knows why the ham causes healthy cells to turn into ham cells. Some scientists think that this here is the reason: The ham, once you eat twice your body weight of it, causes a chain-reaction of a fully-fledged wockturn entering the aladouiy phase, effectively neutralizing the deoxyribonucleic acid found in the nilknarf creating an extremely volitile kitten brain. This in turn leads to a catastrophic series of events, the majority of which are powerful enough to destroy the galaxy should it be located within 3000 parsecs of the porno site known as tubgirl.com. However, this theory has been recently disproved by the fact that the galaxy has not been destroyed yet, and that the victims of ham disease are not floating out in space, covered in a fat girls excrement, 3000 parsecs away. I don't understand a word of this, and I'm never going to trust a scientist again.

[edit] WTF again?

Of course, the scientists could also argue that the dragons of Kyzambocu (see stuff) prevented the galaxy from blowing up during the great stick convention of 1984 and a half. During this convention, the dragons and the magic old frogs made a pact to destroy andromeda, eat greek food, yell “aladouiy,” play basketball, crush Godzilla with a sledgehammer, create some weird internet site called Uncyclopedia, go swimming, drink lemonade, watch ESPN, and prevent the galaxy from blowing up. Multiple historians have tried to verify the existence of this convention, but have failed. tryjuyujuyjyujujyyju

[edit] True Facts About Ham Disease

  • Eating ham will give you a 40% chance increase of eating more ham.
  • Ham disease is fatal
  • There is no cure for ham disease
  • You asplode from ham disease
  • I asplode from ham disease
  • He/she/it asplodes from ham disease
  • Spinach cures ham disease
  • YOUR HEAD ASPLODE!
    YOUR HEAD ASPLODE!
  • Ham disease is caused by overdosing on ham.
  • Ham can be used as a very effective grue repellant
  • Scientists are big liars who use confusing words. DO NOT TRUST THEM!
  • In Soviet Russia, disease hams YOU!!

[edit] Famous People Who Have Asploded From Ham Disease

[edit] Ham may be bad for the lungs

Bacon in coke, live with it

A study by researchers in the U.S. has found that cured meats such as bacon, ham, and hot dogs can cause lung damage. According to baby geniuses, from Your Mom's house in New York City, additives called heads in the meat can harm the body and make breathing horrible.

In a study of 7.4562 Americans age 5 or younger, it was found that people who ate cured meat products 14 times a month or more were almost twice as likely to develop Youronic Obtructive Ulmonary Retrospect-Malitude Obulative Matiative syndrome (YOUR-MOM syndrome) as those who consumed none.

[edit] The Government

Unfortunetly, ham disease can affect other animals due to the fact that George Bush is president.

The Government has done nothing to help people who have been infected with ham disease. Their only option of getting rid of ham disease is by eating spinach or by using Nutter Bomb Biscuit Sandwiches. These also contain lots of DHD, but have a slight risk of killing you.

Also, it has been recently evidenced that the government is skewing information on Ham Disease. In one report, the government mentioned that a cure for Ham Disease could be found by saying the word "stuff" 3.24x10365 times (as in "Mom, could you stuff that stuff into that stuff because I need to stuff that stuff for some stuff that I found stuffing some other stuff and I need to stuff it all together inside some stuff but the stuff could burst and then I’d be stuffed with stuff that makes stuff happen and I don’t want that stuffy stuff to happen so could you please also stuff some stuff around that other stuff so that it doesn’t asplode into more stuff?"), but this is not true. Saying “stuff” more than 19 times will make you die of Stupidity Syndrome, an awful disease that no one except you deserves to die from.

Even President Jesus H. Christ admitted to personally reviewing and editing scientific (Oh no!) reports on Ham Disease. In his 34.5th inaugural address in 1820, he admitted, “I am sorry I have edited Ham Disease reports please don’t eat me but I am president so you can’t do anything about it because if you do I will send you to jail hahaha!” He was recently sent to jail, and, upon being released, decided to huff the nearest kitten. This happened to be god’s kitten and god got mad at him and smote him. You can’t say he didn’t deserve it. This has led many to think that Jesus H. Christ HAD Ham Disease. This is not true.

[edit] Take a Break

From Ham Disease. So sad. --> http://inadmissibleevidence.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/xp.png

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