Ham tree
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Contrary to popular belief, ham is not actually a meat, it is a fruit.
Confucius say, “ham, ham the mystical fruit, the more you eat, the chances of cancer greatly increase."
In history the ham tree is known in the story of George Washington. This is because as he had cut down his father’s ham tree (not cherry tree) he did infact have to lie. Also a boaconstricta seems to like the ham when its blended with cow pat in a desert full of rabid cats that eat carrots and are the only things ever.
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[edit] Biological Features
When unripe, the fruits are bright green. The tree is able to store sunlight so it can photosynthesise all day and all night. It can therefore be seen glowing at night. Unlike most plants, the leaves and fruit etc do not have stomata, but instead alveoli. This means they can respire 24 hours a day. The seed of the ham is the ‘bone’ in the middle and it has evolved to change its appearance with the season so that it can attract predators all year round so the seed can be spread. In spring and summer, it uses its armies of glazer bees to glaze the fruit with honey. During the autumn and winter periods, the fruit releases a mustard like fluid which attracts many different animals. When picked, the alveoli on the fruit stem burst creating a sound similar to that of a scream. This means the fruit must be picked by deaf immigrant workers.
Since its discovery, people have sought the ham tree and tried to keep animals from taking the ham. There are extensive ham tree plantations in Area 51 and Staten Island. There are also some ham trees within the grounds of a secret US army base in Chernobyl. The army were stationed here after the Second World War incase Germany tries that shit again. This is known as the American Ham Conspiracy.
[edit] Mustard Deer
Mustard deer love ham and survive solely upon it during the autumn and winter. Unfortunately, the ham’s mustard coatings during these seasons burn their noses, eyes and genitals. One deer in each heard is designated ‘bitch’ and the others wipe mustard onto it. This bitch is usually the weakest and smallest male. Due to the insulation properties of the mustard coating, this deer is now more likely to survive the winter and so the ‘bitch gene’ is passed on. The stags train all winter by smothering their horns in mustard so as to repel competitors. This species of stag, it is believed, invented both the montage and the rocky theme. The stags also exude mustard like aroma to scare away others and the mustard deer have been almost hunted to extinction because they’ve come pre-seasoned. Mustard deer hunting season is from early November to mid-February. There are famous mustard deer in the media, for example bambi’s mother. She was shot due to her mustard coating. She therefore had the ‘bitch gene’. As we can see from the film, Bambi received too much of this gene leading to it doing stupid things, such as befriending a rabbit. Only skunks can stand the mustard’s smell for prolonged periods of time, which is why a skunk is also one of his only friends.
[edit] Glazer Bees
Glazer Bees have been owned by Malcolm Glazer since 1995. He used the money made from his ham sales to buy Manchester United. They live their entire life in ham trees. They have short lives, lasting only about 6 months. To increase the number of ham trees, and therefore the size of their territory, they glaze the hams with honey so that they are eaten and the seeds planted. The bees also protect the tree by dive-bombing bears, which would otherwise ravage the tree, preventing optimal seed dispersal. 90% of their body mass is encompassed by only their wings. They have evolved such large wings because of the need to travel such great distances between trees. They must provide enough honey for their young, glazing the hams and to survive for long distances. This species of bee is little more than a flying honey machine. Every centimetre cubed of bees produces one metre cubed of honey per 24 hours. They never sleep.
[edit] The American Ham Conspiracy
As the USA held a monopoly on ham production, other nations grew jealous. One of these was Russia. Russian’s use the ham for many reasons for example; one ham can feed a family of four for 9 months. After Hitler betrayed them in the Second World War, Russia allied with them and learned of the ham tree uses. Russia is the only nation to have developed a method of making alcohol from ham. Also, with Russia’s cold climate, the insulation properties of the mustard coat are much needed. As Russia was already importing a large amount of the winter hams, when the demand increased and they tried to obtain more hams, America grew wary. It was thought that the Russians were trying to build their own ham plantations. Because of this, the USA stopped exporting the hams to them. Because of the lack of trade, Russia was facing a ham shortage. This then led onto the Cold War. It was thus named because without the mustard insulation, the Russian’s were cold. As America were the primary producers of ham, a deal was struck in 1989 between England, Russia and America that under American supervision, these countries would be permitted to grow the Ham Tree. Unfortunately, sour circumstances evolved in which the Yugoslavian government could not decide where to start the plantation and as such they gave one seed to each of the 7 possible sites and each site became its own state.
