Hamiltron (City of the Future)
Hamiltron is one of the most futuristic cities that will ever be created and is currently based in the struggling sheep farm of New Zealand. It is also a band that hails from the city of Hamilton. Rumour has it that in the year 2014 it will be moved to the earth's core due to a mix up when a vote was taken to allow it to take its rightful place at center of the world (note: ‘at’ the center of the world, not ‘as’). The rumour cannot be confirmed though as this future event has yet to occur and is unwritten, unless you believe in such things as fate and/or destiny, which is fine, but it would make you a moron.
History of Hamiltron (City of the Future)
Originally known by the extremely boring name of ‘Hamilton’, Hamiltron was founded by the mysterious Mr Tron. Mr Tron decided that a town was needed to accommodate his love of exciting sports and a rowdy and exciting life. Unfortunately the builders couldn't read and they made Hamilton. What was incredible was that the illiterate builders had created the first ever black hole, where the city sucked in everything and prevented it from escaping. This accounts for its population of 500,000, who happened to be flying sustainable kites at the time nearby.
An alternate theory is that Hamiltron was created by the Maori (who no longer want it back, though they want everything else) Little is known what the ancient and proud Maori were intending as they all moved to the south of France a few years back to start a vineyard, but it is generally assumed Hamiltron was created as the equivalent of some sort of giant beaver dam in the space/time/feeling continuum to slow the stream of good vibes and collect them into a deep pool where everyone can frolic and rub them against their naked bodies. However, this theory is often disputed by the many intellectuals in Hamiltron who raise the point that there are no beavers in New Zealand and so rather than the blockage of good vibes being like ‘some sort of giant beaver dam’ it's really more like ‘two ladies with very big bums trying to get through a door at once’ as ladies with very big bums is one of the prime exports of New Zealand.
Future of Hamiltron (City of the Future)
The future of Hamiltron is unknown but it is expected that the exponential growth of the coolness of the city will eventually surpass that of the god of cool who is known simply as ‘The Hoff’. This will obviously cause a contradiction in the Laws Of Cool. Such a contradiction has two scientifically accepted possible outcomes as originally described in a paper by Dr Feelgood, both of which involve camels and would be too complex for you to understand. For the purposes of completeness however, the abbreviated formulae is as follows:
The robot overseers of Hamiltron are currently working to reduce the coolness of the city by importing Americans in bulk but so far the difference in coolness has not been significant and the postage and packaging on shipping those fat yanks over is bankrupting the city.
Facts about Hamiltron (City of the Future)
- Last time Hamiltron transformed into Robot mode and went out on the lash with Godzilla it woke up in bed with the Eiffel Tower and couldn't find its trousers for 3 whole days.
- Although Hamiltron has no arms or legs it has never lost a game of twister.
- No serial killers have ever come from Hamiltron, which proves Hamiltron is good for your mental health.
- Hamiltron has a statue of Riff Raff from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Often the target of late night piss heads from one of the plethora of skanky ho bars.
- There are exactly 27 bars and clubs in Hamiltron. Only 5 have so far met international humanitarian hygiene standards.
- Guns N' Roses refused to allow Paradise City to be adopted as the unofficial theme song of Hamiltron, however have allowed the city to use Get In The Ring in its stead.
- The residents of number 69 Fox St receive the honour of having their letter box filled with urine every Saturday night, without fail.
- The residents of 43 Sheridan St receive 4.30am phone calls by a prankster every week without fail!
- New Plymouth Is by far, A better town than Hamilton. You would have to be incredibly gay to not realise this. (we have good sluts..Sacred Heart Girls' College to be exact)
- The problem with the above statement is that Hamiltron has the best Gays South of K Road, rendering the trailer trash sluts in New Plymouth impotent, as are there Mullet boyfriends. Peace on sistas!
Education in Hamiltron (City of the Future)
Hamiltron (City of the Future) only has one school, St Paul's School for unprivileged children. Only students who have parents who can not afford to teach them independently are sent to the school. During the first year at the school all male students have their penises surgically removed, this is to stop the lower class of society from reproducing.
Teachers are often known sex offenders who can not get jobs in any other part of society. Because of this, it is not uncommon for students to suffer from severe mental illnesses.
Once Skynet takes over the tron will transform and rid the world of Auckland forever!
Former Hamiltron (City of the Future) Marketing Slogans
- Hamiltron: Its in the way
- Hamiltron: AT LEAST WE'RE NOT GORE!
- Hamiltron: We have a nice bus stop
- Hamiltron: Even the river passes through it.
- Hamiltron! Abandon hope all ye who enter
- Hamiltron: Only an hour and a half from somewhere decent(New Plymouth)
- Warning! Hamiltron Ahead
- Hamiltron: It's the best we can do
- Hamiltron bypass via Gordonton State Highway 1b
- Hamiltron: The Venice of New Zealand every 3 years
- Hamiltron: Where the grass is greener... and comes in three exciting flavours
- Hamiltron: Better than the Hutt
- Hamiltron: Where it happened
- Hamiltron: More than you'd expect
- Hamiltron: Chances are you will catch something!
- Hamiltron: If you've got crabs you've arrived safely
- Hamiltron: We have beer
- Hamiltron: Gay!
- Hamiltron: Sorry about that
- Hamiltron: Auckland's biggest carpark!
- Hamiltron: If you can find somewhere more meh we'll move you there!
- Hamiltron: Elephant man thinks WE'RE messed up.
- Hamiltron: Can you handle it ?
- Hamiltron: Get out of it.
- Hamiltron: We're so very very sorry.
- Hamiltron: Our bad
- Hamiltron: Anus of the North
- Hamiltron: Improve your immune system
- Hamiltron: where it didnt happen
- Hamiltron: The North Islands Black Hole
- Hamiltron: Where Fran and Tash DON'T live, thats why it sucks.Yeaaaaaaaah brahh.(Jonah Styles! ) SORRY BEN!
- Hamiltron: If you're afflicted with Syphilis then welcome back.