Donaldson's Canadian Beaver Army
The Beavers are coming!! The Beavers are coming!! AAHHHHHHH!!
[Editor's note: We have been informed that the "n" is a typing error in the title. It should be Donaldso, but the CIA is always misinformed so it will always be false. Damn the CIA.]
Recent evidence has been found that the Canadians are in fact plotting something. The leader of this army is the elusive Gram Donaldso. He is believed to be armed and dangerous. The Exact Plans are not at this time known, but there have been leaks to the enemies of him. Be warned, the Canadian Beaver Separatist Army is coming!
The elusive Gram Donaldso is extremely hard to catch on film. Some say he might be related to Big Foot. He, however, is still the leader of the Canadian Beaver Separatist Army. He created this army after many people started making fun of him for many different reasons (South Park, really). Now he has started this army and has already destroyed many areas of the Canadian-American border. If seen, please post his face for he is coming and he intends to end the American Way of Life, and then insert the Canadian Way of Life down our American, freedom-loving throats.
There are many bases throughout Canada. Their biggest base would be up in the North, due to the harsh winters that the beavers are now (and always were) accustomed to. Now, after countless campaigns, the Beaver Army's strongholds are growing. The US Army has, after a long committee investigation and countless months of (figuratively- or maybe not so figuratively) tail- chasing, said that the information about this subject is classifed which, in government ultra NON-classified code, means that they have no flippin' idea what to do about the problem. As a common citizen who doesn't want to join the army and get their heads blown off for no reason, you're probably wondering how you can help. The army says to keep an eye out for bases. Now, how do you recognize a base, you say? It's quite simple, really. If you see a beaver dam, burn it. Those are their temporary bases. They are use infinite numbers of these dams to stage sieging points onto countless helpless towns. On a side note, their main base is called Fort Furry Beaver. Creative, eh?
The American War
The top officials, like usual, have made this war very classified, so the public thinks they actually know what's going on. However, with the all the news reporters following the army (funny how the news knows more than the government), we can determine that the army is on the move to the Beaverton, Colorado. This is where the beavers struck first, killing one of our most bevolved creatures, Bigfoot. Many wildlife officials commented that the beavers are misunderstood and we should accept their demands. George Bush, being a dictator and not wanting anyone opposing his word, has locked up those same officials because they were already on his nerves after criticizing him on the Alaska oil drilling issue. The beaver army consists of at least 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,00,000,000,000,000,000,000 beavers. You may be shaking in your boots right now but they are only furry, adorable creatures. They, however, aren't willing to lose the war to the superior weapons and training. They could easily take on at least of are 15 best trained men with their sharp teeth of doom. So with that in mind, the price for this war is undoubtly going to cost billions to trillions of taxpayer dollars. The cost for this war, combined with the Iraq war cdould possibly leave our country broke and even more dependent on other countries and places like England, France, and Iraq Oil Fields (which we never, ever wanted. They were just a gift from Saddaam. Seriously). This very extensive campaign is broken into three different sections(that have been named after weapons): Sword, Axe, and Chaney.
This campaign is to locate where the fabled Fort Furry Beaver is located in Canada. This campaign will be the longest campaign of the three. The leader of this campaign will be General Leak. The most information has been leaked about this campaign surprisingly. There is a grand total of 30 troops that will be going into Canada to look for the main base. This campaign will probably take three to four months because false information has once again come out of the CIA.
Operation Axe will run through most of Canada and scattered parts of France. Through the spirtual channeling and rituals of massive masturbation Hilary Clinton has put a Force Field around the troops that shall protect them from bullets, dragons, and lvl. 7 frost spells. However it will not protect them from un-protected sex, AIDS, and O.J. Simpson. Based on research we have discovered all three problems can be blamed on Conservatives and The Liberal Media Conspiracy, and BEAVERS. The Operation will destroy any and all Canadian resistance pocketed throughout the designated territories. The US plans to set up defense perimeters around the Canadian Border and eventually wait for them to get high and walk into the open. This strategy is undeniable. All those who oppose have been given a all expense paid trip to "electric shock therapy".
Operation Chaney will be a crackdown of all editors that post unfunny comments on Uncyclopedia. Apparently people have reported that some losers have gone around with the illusion that they were funny and posted stupid articles online. Scientists have recently studied the behaviors of these idiots and have decided that they are either retarded, complete imbeciles or sacks of shit. One victim of this not-funny behavior was found in tears and apparently slit her wrists. Many other victims of outrage were quoted saying, "I used to read these hilarious articles that used to be so funny. Then some assholes changed them around about some crap about the CIA. I mean, for God's sake get over the fucking CIA. I didn't think it was possible to kill a joke on the internet but hey, way to go." Satan was questioned as to what the "hell" happened. Satan said, "This shit sucks. Wasn't me." Mr. T was unavailable at the time because he was too busy bashing his skull in anger. In h,fact, the changes made by these douche-bags have been called "the worst thing thats happened since Michael Jackson turned white".
“C is for Cookie not Canada.”
“Oh yea Canada? Well, you're about to become... dead place.”
“Reminds me of the time I lost my genitalia in a bear fight”
“Well, George Bush, elephants suck, so there!!”
“I swear... When Canadians kill puppies, it is time for them all to die!!”
“Peeve Daddy, Canadians don't kill puppies, the beavers do. I, for one, love mini schnauzers.”
“Love mini schnauzers where? In your cereal bowl with some milk and oatmeal?”
“No, in my lap so I can pet them. Also, on the end of a toy so I can give them exercise so they feel the need to sleep all day. That is when I take compromising pictures of them and threaten to post them on the internet if they don't work for me.”
“Gram Donaldso... REST IN PEACE.”
- Puppies: 900
- Omlets: 20,000
- Actual People: Just Bigfoot.