Hannibal Lecter
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“Visit Hannibal Lecter's Diner! Bring your friends and your enemies for dinner!”
~ Hannibal Lecter on Hannibal Lecter's Diner
“A remarkably "tasteful" man. Tasteful as in "delicious." As in, I'd like THAT man dipped in honey!”
~ Hannibal Lecter on Oscar Wilde
“Honey? Everyone knows I taste heavenly with Sweet and Sour.”
~ Oscar Wilde on what Hannibal Lecter said up there
“Tastes like chicken”
~ Hannibal Lecter on Chicken Salad Baguettes
“There GGGGGRRREEEAAATTT!!!!!”
~ Hannibal Lecter on talking tigers on cereal commercials
“I would never try to ever eat such a vile creature such as that. Killing it to put it out of it's misery then yes”
~ Hannibal Lecter on Rush Limbaugh
“I could go for some soylent green right about now.”
~ Hannibal Lecter on soylent green
Doctor Hannibal Lecter is a renowned psychologist, and celebrity chef.
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[edit] Rise to Fame
Doctor Lecter first came to attention when he published a (rhetorical) paper on the beneficial effects of consuming human flesh. This caused a great deal of controversy and eventually Dr. Lecter responded to it with a formal apology. Days later several major campaigners against Dr. Lecter's book were found dead with many of their internal organs partially consumed. Dr. Lecter remarked that his book was never meant to be taken literally and he is shocked that readers decided to carry out those subjects touched on in his paper. Upon investigation some of Dr. Lecter's DNA was found at the crime scene, an investigation was expected to follow this but the police in charge mysteriously disappeared.
[edit] Prime
Hannibal did remarkebly well on pay TV after being hired to host his own cooking program, his trademark being that in every episode he fed a guest a meal containing his 'secret ingredient'. Whenever asked about it, it was his catchphrase to say I'm afraid that if i tell you, you won't even try it. After some time he retired and went back to his original career in psychology, as he said that he needed peace, quiet and secluded areas.
[edit] Decline
Hannibal's career went down the drain (even though he had already retired) after he was murdered and eaten by a number of people. Hannibal's reputation was ruined by this scandalous event, which saw rabid zombies attempt to bite him. In an interview shortly after the event, Hannibal was quoted as saying "You know, they ate my hamstrings, those little shits. I was saving them for when I go all jackass and do a survival series."
[edit] Career change
Hannibal decided to come out of retirement at the ripe old age of 25 and became an actor. He is well known for playing Anthony Hopkins in the movie The Silence of the Lambs, which was a box office flop. Unfortunately he became typecast, and subsequent roles in the Zorro movies as Zorro's father proved unsuccessful, as Zorro refused to believe that Hannibal was his father. An appearance on the Jeremy Kyle show proved Zorro wrong.
~ Hannibal Lecter on his recent appearance on the Jeremy Kyle show
[edit] School meals campaign
Hannibal Lecter was disowned by Zorro, and so changed his name to Jammy Oliver and decided to teach schoolchildren how to eat healthily. His campaign was televised by the little known MMR channel. He convinced several schoolchildren to eat marinated leg of man and reminded them that raw hamstrings make a porky high-fat cholesterol-laden snack. He was lambasted by Oliver James, a man made famous by his allergies to all food. James was later found dead after choking on his own marinated and incredibly delicious leg. The police couldn't be asked to carry out an investigation as Oliver James was a sad bitch who nobody hated.
[edit] Autobiography
Hannibal Lecter changed his name back as the name Jammy Oliver had some very fruity connotations. He then proceeded to write his autobiography, entitled "I Am A Man-Eater And Proud Of It". In this book, he details such important events in his life as:
- Finding out Zorro was his son
- Eating people
- His role in the Silence of the Lambs
- Eating people
- The fate of his beloved dog Snuffles
- Eating people
- What (or who) he had for lunch last Tuesday
- And eating people
[edit] Novels
Lecter proceeded to write a series of novels about a young cannibal called Harribal Pot, who goes to cook in the world-famous Bogwash Restaurant. However, a picky customer by the name of Lord Vegetarian-mort threatens to close down Bogwash. Harribal, with the help of his friends Ronald McWeasel and Hermarinated Legg, along with the morbidly obese Dogbreath and that old fart Bumrapebitch must defeat Lord Vegetarian-mort and his wicked meat-hating ways. To date, 13 books have been released in the series:
- Harribal Pot and the Paedophile's Meat
- Harribal Pot and the Scone which was bland
- Harribal Pot and the Chamber of Shite
- Harribal Pot and the Chicken of Azerbaijan
- Harribal Pot and the Prisoner who kept eating himself
- Harribal Pot and the Gob which couldn't stop eating
- Harribal Pot and the Roasting Fire
- Harribal Pot and the Char-Grilled P
heasant - Harribal Pot and the Prince's canned fruit
- Harribal Pot and the Half-Baked Prince
- Harribal Pot and the Dead Body
- Harribal Pot and the Necrophiliac
- Harribal Pot and the Useless Excuse for another book
- Harribal Pot and the Boy without a middle finger
[edit] Alleged death
Hannibal went into the desert for forty days and forty nights. During this time the world had been nuked and Hannibal became the last man left alive. After the forty days, Hannibal was extremely hungry. He ate himself, thus causing the world to fuck up.
“He tastes like chicken”
~ Hannibal Lecter on Hannibal Lecter
[edit] Trivia
- This section wouldn't be allowed on Wikipedia, but this ain't Wikipedia is it???
- Hannibal Lecter was originally the first choice to star in CSI:Miami, but the producers said "He seemed more like one of the murderers..."
- Hannibal Lecter starred in CSI:Lithuania, where he was killed off in the first episode.
- Hannibal's son Zorro was born in the 1800's, and Hannibal was born in the 1900's. How this is possible (without time travel of course) is unknown.
- Hannibal Lecter's liver is delicious with refried beans and a chilled fresca.
- Dr. Lecter's signiture 'slurping' was a result of Hannibal accidently biting off his own lips.
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