Hanzel

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“When all hope was lost, he stood up!”

~ Poor man on Hanzel
Hanzel while he is running, (source: The Sun (comic))

“One of the most innovating communists of the 20th century!”

~ Your mom on Hanzel

“He sold me 5 dvd's”

~ Bush

“Rated 45/50!”

~ Gaymspot

“he has long hair and jumps around”

“He did a good job in getting me elected, he's my brotha from anotha motha, I even adopted his speech LES WE CAN!!! for my own campeign, it was just miswritten by the papers”

“duud!”

~ Hanzel on himself

Hanzel, (Derived from the Dutch 'Hans' or the English 'dude' ) was a Dutch communist in the late 90's. He and his family were well known for their low standards of life and were therefore very famous among the crowds. Their way of living became a nationwide vision of perfect harmony in familylife. The main point made by the Hanzels was that 'Joy and happiness can not be bought'.

This ideal can be traced back to Seneca, their great great grandfather (of both mother and father) who was a famous follower of the Stoicism and writer of Russian bibles. He was a kind of Stalin, but for the Dutch. His famous saying: yo duud was copied from one of his early friends, who hung himself in an old barn near the Eiffel Tower.

Most of the time he can be seen wearing a wool sweater and armytrousers. His hair is in a ponytail which extends all the way to his unwashed feet. His hair is claimed to be the source of all kinds of things, such as Aids but also of construction workers.

The Dawn of Freerunning[edit]

On a cold and stormy day in November Hanzel officially declared a national revolution to overthrow the Dutch government. Wearing nothing more than a cap and some old stuff which was stolen from the Salvation Army he stood up on the top of Afferden's church and yelled the following to his followers:

"Heee duuuud dit is zoo pro, ahh man we moete nog eens een film maken of zo maar nu ga ik freerunnen"

which (roughly translated) means:

"Yooo dudes, you all know I'm your leader, now let us unite and take over the Dutch government by freerunning to the capital".

This freerunning ,which was actually created in the jungles of Borneo, was said to be an invention of himself. This psychic disorder, of stealing other's ideas and copyrighting them under your name, without letting the original owner know that the idea is stolen is widly known as the disease of Microsoft. There exists an interesting Dutch folk etymology that the word Freerunning actually derived from 'Free' and 'Running' where 'Free' means priceless, nothing to pay and 'running' means shopping. But this is just a mistranslation.

The Stownage Pact[edit]

On the 12th of April 2005 CNN officially announced that Hanzel and 2 of his followers ,of which one was his brother Rick and the other a cameraman, had succeeded to infiltrate the Dutch government,

Jan Peter Balkenende, this rare photo is copied from the article of Jan Peter Balkenende

. which was situated in an old pottery factory, and assassinate Jan Peter Balkenende.

He wrote new laws and initiated changes throughout the country. One of them was that it should be possible for every human to go and stand where ever he wants, this, unfortunately, lead to total anarchy. People were not just running the streets but also climbing buildings, roll over flats and of course smashing the hell out of each other. Something familiar was seen on the 8th of December 2006.

But one of the most famous laws was that it was ABSOLUTELY forbidden to wash your hair.

This not only caused smelliness throughout the country but also financial changes. The Indian company Hans and Shoulders (not to confuse with Head and Shoulders) declared bankruptcy. But a few months after the initialization of the law scientists in London made a great discovery. It appeared that a new element was born within the roots population's hair. This element was mixed with milk and received the name Cheap Hanzel Earwax Emulsion of Strange Elements, which was later shortened and sold all over the world under the name Cheese.

Filmings[edit]

It is commonly known that Hanzel (before he started freerunning) was very fond of watching films, download films and most of all making them himself. He and his company Hanzed Studio created over 11 movies but never made real profits. In all movies Hanzel was the main character and therefore the movies were rather the subject of ceremonial burnings instead of those of critics.

Hanzed Studio logo

In June 2005 Universal Studios bought Hanzed Studio for a record-breaking 2 dollars and 11 cents. For Fox this was just like a grain of salt at Mcdonalds but Hanzels family could live 3 years with it. This deal, signed in 1919, 75 years before the birth of Hanzel, is better known under the name Treaty of Versailles

Present Day[edit]

After a global manhunt (due to the 'The Stownage Pact') to find Hanzel had failed, the police got bored and declared him innocent of all charges. He managed to 'infiltrate' (as he referred to it) kindergarten and although it took him 4 years to get his degree he managed to get to school, which was free of course. Although his parents sent him to the best possible education.. he finished school with the last. It is known that he left school to make more movies and sell dvd's to his kindergarten. He has a girlfriend, better known under the name Kienniii (not to confuse this with wii). Rumors say that he entered the army to fight for his glorious nation, or rather make movies for it. This makes some people call him a Dutch Borat but most of these people probably have some kind of idiotic disorder because he is one them people who don't know how to be funny and not just stupid.