Hard On

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Adult neon.gif NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!
The article you are looking at may not be work safe!

...Although, since you're already here it's kind of too late for this warning to actually be useful.

If a boss or coworker sees this article, claim that it was spam and blame the IT guys. Otherwise, continue to read it until your lewd urges are satisfied.
Boner Ranch home to many a Hard On.

“"I'll Take 'I have a Hard-on' for $200"!”

~ Sean Connery on Jeopardy

“Hard On, Apply Directly to the Groin. Hard On, Apply Directly to the Groin. Hard On, Apply Directly to the Groin.”

~ Woman on Hard On Product

Hard On is slang for a male erection. As such, the phrase should never be used. Slang is evil. Especially slanging drugs. A better choice of words would be "throbbing, engorged member." Especially when asking your mom about nocturnal emissions.


  • ill-fitting trousers
  • urge to masterbate
  • loss of blood to the brain
  • urge to procreate
  • laughter and fingerpointing (your friends')
  • being 13 years old

How To: Get One[edit]

Vorspiel 035.jpg

For guidelines on how to get a "Hard On", you can view the following and determine which one works best for you. In the event that you should be following the advice on the Grue page about what to do when you meet a Grue and you decide that you want to masturbate, as per the advice, you should use your brain (as a last resort of course).

  • Angelina Jolie
  • the interweb
  • the girl next door
  • pr0n
  • wake up in the morning (13 years old)
  • Viagra (14 and older)
  • Hustler, Gayboy, PentUp, Barely Legible, et cetera
  • Your Mom
  • Rub your member on rabbit fur
  • Strangle-bate A.K.A. The David Caradean method (asphyxiate yourself and beat your meat), or use a Noose and touch yourself at night (the Noose is recommended for ages 7 and under specifically)

How To: Hide One[edit]

If you do not want Your Mom or your friends to see your Hard On, you should follow the following followable advice:

  • XL t-shirt
  • baggy pants
  • 7YP3 L1K3 7H15 (never works)
  • "Whenever I get an erection, I like to tuck it up under my belt. That way you can hide it AND it feels awesome as hell!" -Superbad

Please note that the general idea here is that you're using the Oscar Wilde technique of making yourself appear larger, thereby making everything else smaller. Since Bill Gates is the biggest hard on in the world, try standing next to him.


This is not a Hard On
Neither is this.
This, however, is.


  • boner
  • cucumber
  • one eyed trouser snake
  • stiffy
  • 勃起
  • salami
  • ontzettend dikke ochtend lul
  • woodie
  • Shaft
  • heat-seeking moisture missile
  • Captain Standish
  • Fürst Bismarck
  • pink torpedo
  • Donkey Kong
  • Yogurt Canon
  • 8=D (Often mistaken for E=mc2)

NB: The above list is complete. You may make up your own name for Hard On, but no-one will know what the hell you are talking about.