Hardcore Jesus

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“Because of Hardcore Jesus, I'm on the edge!”

~ Matt Hardy on Hardcore Jesus

“Hardcore Jesus is a fucking asshole.”

~ Metal Jesus on Hardcore Jesus

“And your t-shirts are too tight too H!”

~ Lex Luger on Hardcore Jesus

Hardcore Jesus was in the band cannibal corpse, but he quit when he had a crystal meth addiction. supposedly joseph gave him the drugs. our scholars say that jesus also had a custom made les paul for playing his favorite songs like; stairway to heaven, until the day i die, and his all time favorite people= swhit from slipknot.

During the Crucifixion, Hardcore Jesus discovered a talent for, and a lusting after Hardcore competitions. Throughout his career as messiah and savior, he steered our world's history towards the creation of the World Wide Championship Extreme Wrestling Entertainment Federation.

Contents 1 Crucifixion and the Creation of Beatdowns 2 Resurrection 3 Foundations of Greatness 4 Hardcore Jesus Today 5 Sprite

[edit] Crucifixion and the Creation of Beatdowns

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have Monday Night RAW!”

~ God on Hardcore Jesus

Jesus, the original Hardcore Wrestler, discovered his love of the sport during his own crucifixion, which included many commonly used hardcore elements:

• Whip
• Iron nails
• Crown of Thorns
• Ladders (and Snakes too)
• Tables
• Chairs
• Spears
• Mary Madgelene as valet

In addition to these, was the overriding theme of underdog hero takes a horrendous beating, yet comes out triumphant in the end. This theme would fuel entertainment for millennia, as seen in Wrestlemania, Wrestlemania II, and Die Hard.

[edit] Resurrection

“And lo, though our Savior was down for the count, the crowd chanted "Christ! Christ! Christ!" until he gathered his strength, rose from the dead and pinned Pontius Pilate for the win!”

~ Matthew on The Resurrection of Christ

Jesus, face for the new religion, had a loyal following. His loyal fans crowded the streets watching his torture and crucifixion, raising their fists and chanting his name, exulting ecclesiastically when he showed some signs of reviving himself.

Even his death due to excessive heroin use could not deter his fanatical followers and, for three days and nights, they stood outside his burial cave chanting and calling for their hero. There was much rejoicing in the land once he rose again; much fainting and alcohol consumption as well.

[edit] Foundations of Greatness

And Jesus spoke unto Lazarus, "Have I not taught you well that death and pain have no dominion? "Can we not become a team?" "Yea, verily, a Tag Team, the likes of which the world has never seen?" And Lazarus shook, and was sore afraid. And Lazarus spake, "Lord, are you fucking nuts?!"

~John 12:6-9

Upon his resurrection, Jesus sought out Lazarus, inviting him to become his first New Disciple, and tag-team partner. Lazarus, the only other person to have risen from the dead, fully knew and understand the power of Hardcore Wrestling. Though he took some convincing, Lazarus soon became Jesus' partner, and a legend was born.

[edit] Hardcore Jesus Today

Though his influence came and went, Jesus' plan came into fruition when he appeared to Vince McMahon. McMahon, divinely inspired by this image of Christ beckoning him to create the most violent televised sport in the world, soon founded the World Wide Championship Extreme Wrestling Entertainment Federation, which would invade smaller independent Wrestling franchises in much the same way missionaries from the Catholic Church would convert foreign, pagan heathens with alcohol and smallpox-infected blankets.

Recently Hardcore Jesus was seen at at many a rock shows doing what the local kids call "Two-Steping" & "Crowd-Kills". He has since had X's tattooed on his hands and believed to be an avid watcher of porn beacause of his belt buckle proclaims "XXX4Life"

Nowadays Hardcore Jesuses can be spotted on German Fuckparades.

[edit] Sprite

The soft drink 'Sprite' is famous for being hardcore kids favourite beverage. Little do they know that it came about after the last supper when Jesus held up a cup of fizzy lemon and lime and said "This is my blood." And so it was.

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