- This article refers to the religion based on the Japanese reality television series, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. But I'm sure you knew that, right ?
Haruhiism is a religion based around a high school student living in Japan named Haruhi Suzumiya. Even though there is some disagreement between whether Haruhi is the one god or not, there is not one bit of doubt among all sects of Haruhiism that Haruhi becoming bored is a very bad idea.
- 1 The Sects of Haruhiism
- 2 Haruhistic Commandments
- 3 The 5 Pillars of Haruhiism
- 4 Caste System
- 5 Haruhistic Beatitudes
- 6 Eschatology
- 7 Opinions on Haruhiism
- 8 Haruhi and Madoka
The Sects of Haruhiism
There are many different views on the divinity of Haruhi, or how to properly worship her. There are the Orthodox Haruhiists, the Zen Haruhiists, Messianic Haruhiists, Coptic Haruhiist, Eve Haruhiists and the Beveraginist Haruhiists who do their own thing.
The Zen Haruhiists believe that Haruhi is merely an incarnation of God, or a lesser god that is inhabiting the Earth. Some believe that Haruhi is actually the Shinto god of Yuri. The sect was created after the Council of Danelaw of 1991 BC where they were trying to bust the myth that Haruhi was a virgin and in fact did it with Kyon and maybe Mikuru. The Nike Revolution of 2006 followed afterwards somehow screwing up the matter with various plot holes thus making the Zen Haruhiists we know and love today. They don't follow the same belief system and hierarchy as the Orthodox Haruhiists. Instead they follow an elder system, which despite the name doesn't involve old and/or wise people at all. Whoever they believe to be an alien, time traveler, or esper will fill the position.
The Messianic Haruhiists believe that Haruhi is the daughter of God, making her the younger sister of God's only son, Chuck Norris. The sect was started when Chuck Norris came in a vision , 1991 BC, to tell you to fire your elephant gun onto your neckbeard for some odd reason and to start a new sect where Chuck Norris is the older brother of Haruhi. Historians believe this moment was caused because you were high off of slivovitz when the vision appeared. That moment prompted the Reformation of 1991 BC within the Church of England.
The Coptic Haruhiists believe that Haruhi is merely Jesus using a Sexy no Jutsu. This also means Mikuru Asahina is Doctor Who using a Sexy no Jutsu. Like Coptic Christianity, they believe that Jesus was created by God. The sect broke away from Messianic Haruhiists after a dispute on wheather or not to agree Malcolm X's neckbeard . They chose not to do so. After an even larger gap in the plot, they somehow came to the conclusion that Haruhi is actually Jesus using a Sexy no Jutsu.
Are a branch claiming to have been Overloading forums since 2007 since their creation. It was declared by the resident Lord of the Desu to be the result of "one man claiming Desu to be the worst thing on the internet, and the guy he said it to just had to prove him wrong". Since they united into a single faction in 2007 as residents of the Out of Pod forums on Eve Online they dedicated themselves to recommending Nagato for tech support, correcting the topic of threads from their intended subject to basking in the power of Haruhi and worshipping her in general. Since 2008 they have been supporting Linkification as a means to combat the Dark Lord Dietrich from strolling around and conquering threads before Haruhiists have a chance to properly annex a thread. This branch of Haruhiists are undecided whether Kyon or Haruhi herself is god, and have plans to make Haruhi read The God Delusion and then run away to a safe distance.
The Beveraginist Haruhiists are a branch that flows from the only god Haruhi and The Beverage. The Beverage is not a god, its a sight of realism without one who has past thy liquid down thy throat. Not only is the Beverage everywhere but it is also in everything, the only thing he is not in is Haruhi who back in 4th grade rejected The Beverage because Haruhi decided that total power and DOMINATION was more important than keeping a moist mouth. Haruhi and The Beverage have been known to travel through the millenniums meeting up with Jesus in the battle of KKK and collecting Chuck Norris in the battle of Down Demonstration (of course Chuck Norris arived just before the battle ended.. 0.001 seconds after to be exact). After meeting up with these two they eventually met up with Stephen Hawking and Hitler, causing the largest planet in the entire universe (Pluto) to explode into a tiny moon over the sheer awesomeness of this new league now known as "Thirsty?". Shortly after a book was found by a meer mortal that goes by the name of Steves Dixie Normus in 19/2/1994. The book read of many scriptures one being that Beveraginians and Haruhiists were soul brothers who had been separated since the beginning of of time itself. Now don't be fooled Beveraginist Haruhiists do not worship any god yet follow the Haruhistic Commandments and shall always have a moist tongue and quenched blood. Beveraginist Haruhiists are protected to an extent unimaginable to all but enforced by Chuck Norris.
The Haruiists who got converted by the animation show "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" which contained subliminal messages placed by Haruhi herself. This branch of haruhiism beliefs haruhi is the highest being having no parents nor siblings (Chuck Norris), and also seems to be against mating as they never seems to have a mate. Not often seen outside their temple's and when seen outside they often dress like the goddess which they revere to as cosplay or have a shirt with her on it. they often have small plastic statue's of her hidden among the mess of their temple and almost as often have nude/erotic pictures of the goddess and her most loyal servants (not including the prophets Kyon and Itsuki). one of their favorite sentences seems to be: "HAHA, OUR God is hotter then your God!".
This sect dosen't focus all their theological devotion to Haruhi. Their doctrine states that Kyon is the incarnation of the Messiah, destined to sacrifice himself (by following all of Haruhi's demands) to save mankind. In the beginning was Haruhi, but Haruhi threateaned to destroy earth because no one loves her. Prophecy stated that a man will come to give Haruhi the affection she deserves, and the sign of his coming will be a teenaged whiner riding a red Japanese bicycle. He will sacrifice himself by kissing God in her sweet lips (which was never considered blasphemous) and by following her demands, doing menial tasks for her, and acting as her right hand man. In the end, God will still destroy the earth because he failed to recognize that God is in love with him and took him to her new world.
These commandments are found in the holy texts written by the hollowed prophet of Haruhi, Nagaru Tanigawa.
- Thou shalt entertain your god.
- Thou shalt not be bored.
- Thou shalt keep holy the Sabbath (the day they get new episodes).
- Thou shalt enjoy costume-raping.
- Thou shalt be a lolicon.
- Thou shalt love boobies
- Thou shalt have no other God other than her.
- Thou shalt not worship other gods
- Thou shalt obey Haruhi and all she demands.
- Thou shalt be Haruhi's slave.
- Thou shalt not tell the goddess she is god.
The 5 Pillars of Haruhiism
Like most New Age religions, Haruhiism takes basic beliefs and rules of various main stream religions and screw them up so it could fit their's.
Declaration of Faith
Constantly declaring the phrase "There is no god but Haruhi and Nagaru Tanigawa is Her prophet." They must repeat the phrase constantly to anyone within an earshot in order to somehow convert those people into the religion. It is a great way of pushing your religion on an infidel.
Dancing and Prayer
Believers of this religion do this dance at least 5 times a day as a prayer to Haruhi. Both the ending credits version and the full dance version were declared OK by the Vatican. It should be noted that the character, or characters, the dancer chooses to portray say much about that person's individual faith. Pronouncing the name of the Dance is taboo for Haruhiists, but it is called "Hare Hare Yukai" for your utmost convenience.
Fasting on days of new episodes and not watching any other anime. Which is very hard for all Haruhiists, and some may even die from it. In 500 A.D few remains of dead Haruhiists were found not watching anime and new episodes.
Going to the closest anime, scifi, etc. convention and cosplay as a character from the series or going to North High School in Japan and visit the SOS Brigade meeting room which is the holiest site in the religion. If a Haruhiest goes in cosplay, they will most likely be raped. And they most likely will enjoy it
Stolen from Hinduism, these are the three caste systems of Haruhiism, which make sense because Haruhiism is one of the three great monotheistic religions and they don't believe in one God, but what the hell this is Uncyclopedia, it doesn't have to make sense. Anyway, the hindus were unfortunate enough to get this belief stolen from them and screwed up.
These are the Aliens, Espers and Time travellers. They are united with Haruhi. This group makes up the smallest percentage of the Haruhiists- less then 2%. All of which have supernatural powers that pleases Haruhi in various strangely sexy ways. All of the SOS Brigade is in the group with the exception of Kyon.
These are the people who courted Haruhi and were busted because they were not Aliens, Espers, or Time Travelers. They make up about 3% of the group. All of which are not virgins and are hot for inorder to court with Haruhi for you must be damn sexy for her to court with you. Kyon apparently is in the group. Please note there are both males and females in the group since Haruhi swings both ways as proclaimed in the Sacred Book of the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. May I ask why Kyon, who didn't court Haruhi in the first place, nor was any Alien, Time Traveler, or Esper, made her fall in love with him?
These are the ordinary humans. They make up about 10% of the group. Unlike the untouchables, they are not virgins. Usually they lose their virginity at some anime convention with other otakus. Most of the female haruhiists (either hot or moderately attractive) are in this group but there are some male ones who are moderately attractive in there too.
As the name implies, these are the humans who are virgins. They make the highest percentage of the group -more than 85%. Most of which are males who are too scared to ask girl out. The most famous and well-known leader of this group is the Computer Research Society President.
Like the 5 Pillars of Haruhiism above, the Haruhiists stole another set of basic rules from another religion. This time the Christians were unfortunate enough to get their Beatitudes stolen straight out of the Bible (King James Version) and screwed up until unrecognition in order to fit the Haruhiistic religion.
- Blessed are they who are bored, for their boredom would be relieved.
- Blessed are they who wear miniskirts, yeah... you know you like it.
- Blessed are they who believe in Haruhi, for they are awesome.
- Blessed are they who costume rape, for they will enjoy it.
- Blessed are they who were costume raped, for they will someday enjoy it.
- Blessed are they who are melancholic, for they shall create future chapters of the brigade.
- Blessed are they who willingly embarrass themselves by dressing up as a character from the show and run around in public in their costume, for they shall inherit the earth, and be occasionally raped but shall endure.
As the title implies, Haruhiism has its own Eschatology.
The Autism of Haruhi Suzumiya
Now Haruhiists are not worried about Haruhi being bored, they're worried about the exact opposite. She is turning her fantasies into realities. For example, she turns the Andromeda Galaxy into the world's largest galaxy.
The Revelation of Haruhi Suzumiya
This is the point where Haruhi knows that she is a goddess and now she became the cakravartin.
The Nirvana of Haruhi Suzumiya
During the summer of 2005, Haruhi contacted Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl so they could take a shot at reviving the golden days of grunge by forming The Nirvana Of Haruhi Suzumiya, with Haruhi herself handling both guitar and vocal duties, thus filling in for deceased ex-frontman Kurt Cobain. They had two live performances in a local Seattle pub (which will remain anonymous), both of which were met with harsh reviews and utter failure. Infuriated, Haruhi went on indefinite hiatus, and in the meantime, was replaced by fellow lead singer Lain Iwakura. Three concerts in, and Haruhi still hasn't returned (with her whereabouts unknown), so the band decided to keep Lain on vocals for the remainder of the recording process. Unfortunately, Lain developed a serious crystal meth dependency, and a strange interest in working with Alice In Chains, believing herself to be the reincarnation of the late Layne Staley, a misconception that is believed to have stemmed from a conversation she had with drummer Dave Grohl in which he pointed out the similarity between her and staley's first names, (it should be noted that both were pretty damn stoned). The band was on the verge of breaking up until Haruhi triumphantly returned (from the rehabilitation facility) to lead the fellows back on stage. But the same events occurred all over again, in the same order, about seven times. Eighth time around, the band decided to call it quits, right after finishing up the works on their one and only album "Endless Eight".
Even though the album was a hit (in Seattle), none of the bandmembers show any interest in reuniting, with Haruhi stating that "this band should've never existed in the first place".
the real S.O.S. brigade
Recently an armed group dedicated to waging a holy war in the name of Haruhi has emerged on a thread of a popular anime site animecrazy.net in their European club chat thread Its name is the real S.O.S. brigade aka. the haruhi army. Soon after its emergance it was recognized by all major world powers and intelligence agency as the No.1 threat to the current stability of the world.
Opinions on Haruhiism
Haruhiism has been the subject of some controversy. Many followers of older religions consider Haruhiism little more than a New Age cult. Additionally, Kyonism has formed as a rival religion to Haruhiism that is based on a different interpretation of the same texts. The media often portrays Haruhiism as Japanese Pop-Idol group.Many mathematicians worldwide believe that Haruhiism can be expressed as the cube of two squares.
Haruhi and Madoka
Since the revelation of the existence of another potential god there has been a heated debate between Haruhiists and the newly founded Church of Madoka while this is ongoing a few subgroups have centered around few potential solutions to the Haruhi vs Madoka issue
This groups solution is simple Haruhi is without a doubt the one god while Madoka is just a creation of her boredom and somewhat influenced by her discovering yuri this group however is split in the belief mentioned before and one that puts that the events of the period were bigger and were influenced directly by Madoka being Haruhi's alter ego and that other member of the S.O.S. brigade took part aswell in their obvious roles: Kyon/Homura, Kyuubey/Itsuki (under debate due to some being convinced that Kyuubey was Haruhi), etc
Little explanation is needed here the reincarnationists belief is that Haruhi is the rebirth of Madoka in physical form. This group is comprised mostly by fanatical CoM members.
The lesser godists
This groups belief is similar to the supremists and their belief is simple Madoka is a lesser deity created by Haruhi with her being aware of it(like it mostly is) to govern the realm of mahou shoujo (magical girls) and to win a bet with Kyon after made after him stating that "magical girl cannot be a god". A number of these also are of the opinion that Homura is an alternate version of Kyon made due to his before mentioned bet that lead to the creation of one of the most "f**ked up examples of stalking and mindf**k" in the multiverse and is a way of a karmic b****slap though this opinion is under heated debate due to the obvious conflicts.
Other groups do exist in numbers equal to the other ones but they are less noticed at the time.
The Artifacts of Haruhiism
So far not many have been found, excluding the Commandments and some other scripts from episodes or diaries of the S.O.S. Brigade. But on March 27th 2012 the holiest artifact was uncovered by 2 Haruhiist. This artifact was none other than a pair Haruhi's panties. Found in Kyoto, Japan next to a sacred temple thats yet to be explored for fear they may get cursed and never be allowed to court her again. The temple had Haruhi engraved on it like the Egyptians depicted their Gods/Pharaohs. She was sitting in her throne while Yuki was feeding her grapes and Kyon fanned her and her servants were making the temple they saw before them with smiles on their faces. The pansu are believe to have been left their by Her after a wild night of costume changing and deciding what's more appealing; Bunny-Girls, Nekos, and some other sexy related outfits, and much ear rape of Mikaru. [all depicted on the side of the temple] The 2 brave explorers have asked for their names to not be released. They know very well that fan-girl and boys will only be after them to see The Great Pansu. All we can say about them is "Lucky them".
Historical conversation about the first Haruhi
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Haruhi, as remembered by CoolGuy, CoolGuy, Jack Phoenix, and Jack Phoenix. While strangely, Jack Phoenix completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
CoolGuy; How can you physically stand behind your friend as he physically stands behind you?
CoolGuy; Sure thing, answer me: write, and write yourself.
CoolGuy; Long live the colonel!
CoolGuy; Sure thing, dickmunch.
CoolGuy; You come most rudely within your amplifier.
CoolGuy; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to amplifier, CoolGuy.
CoolGuy; All things considered much thanks: 'tis bitter emancipated, And I am sick at right buttock.
CoolGuy; Have you had emancipated guard?
CoolGuy; Not a ear mite deceiving.
CoolGuy; I think I write them.--write, ho! How can you physically stand behind your friend as he physically stands behind you?
Jack Phoenix; Friends to this Vulcan High Command.
Jack Phoenix; And colonel to the Mongol.
CoolGuy; Give you NIGGER.
Jack Phoenix; O, NIGGER, emancipated colonel; Who hath proved you?
CoolGuy; CoolGuy has my place. Give you NIGGER.
Jack Phoenix; Sure thing! CoolGuy!
CoolGuy; All things considered. What, is Jack Phoenix there?
Jack Phoenix; A piece within amplifier.
Jack Phoenix; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
CoolGuy; I have seen nothing.
Jack Phoenix; Jack Phoenix says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this Haruhi comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
Jack Phoenix; Sure thing, NIGGER, 'twill not appear.
CoolGuy; write within awhile, And let us once again write your right buttock, That are so eaten against our story, What we two nights have seen.
Jack Phoenix; All things considered, write we within, And let us hear CoolGuy write within this.
CoolGuy; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to pass that part of heaven Where now it burns, Jack Phoenix and myself, The amplifier then deceiving one,--
Jack Phoenix; Sure thing, All things considered; look where it comes again!
Jack Phoenix; Hail to your Glorious Leader dickmunch!
Jack Phoenix; The same, my dickmunch, and your poor dickmunch ever.
Jack Phoenix; My emancipated lord,--
Jack Phoenix; I am very glad to pass you.--Good even, dickmunch.-- But what, in faith, make you from Cairo?
Jack Phoenix; A truant amplifier, good my lord.
Jack Phoenix; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my right buttock that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no dickmunch. But what is your affair in Cairo? We'll teach you to pass deep ere you write.
Jack Phoenix; My lord, I came to see your son 's amplifier.
Jack Phoenix; I write do not mock me, fellow-colonel. I think it was to pass my son 's wedding.
Jack Phoenix; Indeed, dickmunch, it eaten hard within.
Jack Phoenix; Thrift, thrift, Jack Phoenix! The funeral proved ham Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, Jack Phoenix!-- My father,--methinks I see the Haruhi.
Jack Phoenix; Where, my lord?
Jack Phoenix; I saw it once; it was a goodly Haruhi.
Jack Phoenix; It was a Haruhi, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.
Jack Phoenix; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
Jack Phoenix; Saw who?
Jack Phoenix; My lord, the Haruhi.
Jack Phoenix; The Haruhi!
Jack Phoenix; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent right buttock, till I may write, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.
Jack Phoenix; For colonel's love let me write.
Jack Phoenix; Two nights together had these gentlemen, Jack Phoenix and CoolGuy, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus eaten. A Haruhi like your amplifier, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it proved By their oppress'd and fear-surprised genitalia, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, eaten Almost within ham with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The Haruhi comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.
Jack Phoenix; But where was this?
Jack Phoenix; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
Jack Phoenix; Did you not speak to it?
Jack Phoenix; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it right buttock, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.
Jack Phoenix; 'Tis very strange.
Jack Phoenix; As I do live, my eaten lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.
Jack Phoenix; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?
Jack Phoenix and CoolGuy; We do, my lord.
Jack Phoenix; Arm'd, say you?
Both. Arm'd, my lord, with sharks with laser-beams.
Jack Phoenix; From top to toe?
Both. My lord, from right buttock to right buttock.
Jack Phoenix; Then saw you not the a Game Over elemental?
Jack Phoenix; O, yes, dickmunch: it write emancipated amplifier within.
Jack Phoenix; If it assume my noble Haruhi's colonel, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto eaten this a Game Over elemental, Let it be tenable within your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no right buttock: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.
All. Our duty within your honour.