Harvington

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Harvington
http://squeakyclean-valeting.com/images/dirty%20caravan.jpg
Harvington, as seen from the entrance.
Motto: Ah Boii
Civic anthem: Drunk Guys At Wedding - I Love Shane Davies
State England
Official nickname Harvey
Official language(s) Gypish, Polish, Chav, Queen's English, B-Tech
Mayor Matthew Camp
Established 1066
Currency Fags and Laces
Dialing code 013... Whos's actually going to call them?


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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Harvington.

Did You Mean Shithole?

  • Harvington is well known for its loving, tight-knit and welcoming community. Only joking of course, it's a complete shithole. Despite having a posh sounding name, Harvington is full of Gypsies. I mean, seriously full. Fucking everywhere. Jeremy Kyle would have a fucking field day (and not just because he's a paedo).

As well as being full to the brim with filthy gypsie-breds, Harvington offers a variety of racist farmers that live in the nearby Lenches. You may also be surprised to know that Seaman Camp dwells in the shithole that is Harvington. For those of you unfamiliar with the gay sailor, he is quite probably the poshest, butler loving sailor boy you will ever meet. Visitors to the village often say how lovely the surrounding countryside is, how peaceful, docile and relaxing it is, and then they actually get into the village, choke on the rancid fumes, turn around and vow never to go anywhere near the stinking pile of Gypsie infested horse shit ever again.


History[edit]

Founded by Ali G in 1066, Harvington was the first village in Korea to hold the paralympics. In 1234 it was invaded by Billy Dean the imortal gypsie king. Dean ruled the lands between 1234 and 1299, untill he was conquered by a group of well mannered sea scouts who, on the off-chance, happened to be passing through with a rucksack full of soap (Deans only weakness). With Dean banished to Hipton Hill, Harvington was briefly gypsie free.

Unfortunately in the early 1900's a group of travellers settled in a nearby field. Shorty after this they moved into the village and "shitted it up big time". Today still wanted by the government they survive as gypsies of Harvington, if you have some laces, if noone else is around, and if you can see them, RUN YOU FOOL!

In the late 1700s, Harvington was short-listed for Channel 4's 'Best Places To Commit Suicide'. It came in at 37th. In 1982, Benny Hills wrote a series of books about a fictional town called Trontelwick but in a later interview with Gandhi on VIVA, he told that the town was based on Harvington.

The Locals[edit]

Known as Gypsie folk, Caravan dwellers or Pikeys. Easily recognised by their trademark tracksuit trousers, burberry caps and clueless expressions. Their ape-like features suggest that many of them are inbred. However despite being incredibly unintelligent there are a select few that over the years have learnt to write their first name down on paper, though they struggle with the surname, which might strike you as surprising as they are all either Smith, Davis or Dean, in many cases all three.

As mentioned earlier, gypsies like to steal us normal folk's or "gorger-breds" laces. We are unclear as to why this is, as they usually have their own already, most likely stolen from JD sports. Take caution when approaching a gypsie or group of gypsies as they have a tendency to be outwardly aggressive for no apparent reason to anyone that glances in their direction.

Gypsies rarely wash so as you can imagine they smell rather revolting. The only time they do wash is when their Mother urinates in a barrel and then they have a scrub down with horse excrement. Therefore a good defence against the Gypsie folk is soap and/or deodorant (for some reason they love cheap, crappy deodorant such as Joop, so make sure to use some decent, averagely priced stuff).

The Language[edit]

Obviously the main language spoken in the village is Gypish. It is similar to common English but is often difficult to understand. Remember when speaking Gypish, always lower your voice to an almost unhearable groan and speak in an emotionless monotone. Here are a few common phrases translated into English:

  • Ah Boii= Hello
  • Ah Boii= Goodbye
  • Ah Boii= What?
  • Ah Boii= Excuse me?
  • Ah Boii= Whatever
  • Ah Boii= OK
  • Ah Boii= Please leave
  • Ah Boii= I don't like you very much
  • Fight ya fer ya laces= I will fight you for your laces
  • Ahh= Go away please
  • Get Up!= Stand up
  • Get Up!= Fuck off!
  • Get Down!= Sit Down
  • Get Down!= Fuck off!
  • Caravan= Home
  • Adjy= Fool
  • Reginald= Imbecile
  • Mothers Cunt= Mothers Cunt
  • Watchu Lookin At Boii!= What are you looking at?
  • Boii= Person (male/female)
  • Wido= Wannabe Gypsie (otherwise known as "Chav")
  • Gorger/Gorger-bred= Normal person or Non-gypsie
  • Shrek= Pornography
  • Dorr= Oh dear
  • Doooorr= Fuck sake!
  • Doooooorrr= You just said something remotely intelligent and I don't understand
  • Mother= Sister
  • Sister= Mother

Please take care with pronunciation. And remember; A silent Gypsie is a dead Gypsie and a dead Gypsie means there's one less for us to avoid. Win I do believe. This language is spoken only by those who's mothers urinate on their faces at birth, please do not attempt this at home, it might look a little peculiar to the untrained eye.

Transport[edit]

Well, who the fuck would voluntarily go there is beyond me of I'm honest. But Suppose you can walk there or go by car. It Does not have a train station because its like poorer then Kenya. All nearby bodies of water are clogged with human waste, yes that means shit, therefore is not navigable.

There is a bus service in operation, however they are all driven by unsociable, rude and lazy Polish bastards. It is therefore advised not to travel to or from Harvington via bus. In fact how about you just don't go there at all, problem solved.

Twin Towns[edit]