Hastings
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Youv'e taken a left at the stump, did you want to get to Hastings, New Zealand?
| Hastings | |
|---|---|
| Closest border: | England |
| Formal status: | Health Hazard |
| Where it is | |
| County: | London |
| Region: | The Southeast |
| Nation: | Mediocre Britain |
| Post town: | HASTINGS |
| Postcode: | LO66 |
| Dialling Code: | 0800 00 1066 |
“This town was meant for passing through, boy it ain't nothing new”
~ Bandon Flower's Guide to Britain on Hastings
“Abondon hope, you who enter”
~ From Dante's towering inferno on Hastings
“In Russia, Hastings mock you!”
~ Old russian proverb on Hastings
“ARGGGHHHH!!!! Do not mention that name”
~ Oscar Wilde on growing up within in 500 miles of Hastings
“ARGGGHHHH!!!! Do not mention that name”
~ User:Volt on Being born in and growing up in Hastings
“ Kill me!!! ”
~ User:lock and load on Growing up in Hastings
“WHY GOD WHY!?!?”
~ Carnkhan4 impartial comment on living in Hastings
Contents |
[edit] Overview
STAY AWAY AT ALL COSTS!
The correct pronunciation of the town is "ast-inns"
[edit] Many Attractions
The Normans built a castle here, rather close to the edge of the cliff overlooking the crazy golf course. Unfortunately they built it rather too close to the edge, so when they got round to doing the bit by the cliff edge they found out they'd run out of space so consequently had to leave that bit looking a bit ruined.
The town's other attractions include a pier (deemed unsafe and closed currently), smuggler's caves (no longer occupied) and a Robert Dyas. (not as good as it sounds)
The Crypt, the towns premier nite club offers a wide range of 80s music. Actually having a double 80s disc which it plays every Thursday. The club is also used to cultivate a dark brown/black substance know as C6S4 (crypt slime) a highly corrosive substance used in the construction industry.
[edit] inFamous Residents
Mr Perry (Perry Dog) Mr O-Grady
[edit] Events
Hastings has a rather poor quality football team, Hastings United, and the town council decided to tarmac over the attractive cricket ground in the centre of town to build a substandard shopping centre, in the hope that some people might think they were in Eastbourne. Many tourists come to Hastings just to mock the football team - I recommend this thoroughly.
[edit] Education
Hastings has some of the shittest schools in England, William Parker - one of the only all boys or "Fag orgy" -schools left in England, Helenswood - an all girls school full of hot lesbian chicks. Hillcrest is a chav infested hell hole of a local secondary school where an average of 164 girls get pregnant a day. All the other centres of education are basically all of the above crammed together.
[edit] Other Hastings
There are many isotopes of Hastings, the one found in Madrid (capital of that country where you go on holiday and people say olé for no reason). Here is its peculiar electronic configuration: 1s1,1s2,1s3,1s4 as you can observe it has 1 - shell 4 containing 4 sub-shells its 1s3 morons concerns it peculiar characteristics like its instability, it makes it a carcinogen and makes it have a high risk of spontanious combustion.
The symbol for this particular isotope of Hastings is Pf, because it was discovered 30 years ago by the Pennefathers (a family that carries the dickhead gene, which is found in chromosome X and is dominant - this implies every single Penefather will have this gene) 30 years ago.
Pf has 381 electrons only held by 30 protons, although we must admit the proton leader (Mr.G) is big enough to engulf most, including Oscar Wilde.
One of the crucial characteristics about Pf, is its radioactivicity, this particularly shows when it decays and it emiits a rare kind of radiation in the form of chunks of ceiling amd yellow marks on walls. This apparently created a parallel universe in 0.23 dimensions (the budget couldn't afford anymore) where people can live and pretend they study.
In Pf they encourage you to smoke weed, so they give you an environment where it will blend in and all is GREEN, obviously so the police can't find it when they conduct random raids on the biology class (not that anything goes on that is.)
Under the Pennefather dictatorship the fine people of Hastings are treated to only the finest, especially since the new General Director (John Dicks) has implemented brand new reforms to streamline the time 10 metre squared republic into a green Japan where everyone is obedient but held together with duct tape and the crafty work of the Master Chefs of the province of New Cafeteria and by JC who presides over the hole next to the gym.
The great Dictator and his predecessors had and still believe that tetra-briks, normally used to support beverages, would be a good replacement for concrete buildings. Citizens therefore have to inhabit these unstable environments in which the floor feels like it is going to collapse. These tetra-briks are very unsuitable for homes, as they (unlike real tetra-briks)are not really waterproof. This will eventually lead to the collapse of the roofs and hopefully the death of the great Dictator and Mr. G. Many believe that Jebus has something to do with this, but many just see this is a conspiracy theory including Hitler and Aznar.
The nonPeople's Republic of Hastings has extraordinary wildlife and natural fauna including the Ms Hudson-eating dinosaur and the endangered Mr O'Connor-eating dinosaur, both unique to the area and are concentrated in the near the S3 mountain range, close to the mines of Mordor, just left of Kim Jong-Il's secret hidout under the watchful eye of Mr G. Also to be found are the Pubed Hair Sam and the King Buba which are constantly locked in battle, quite a sight to see as they duel with magic cards until one lights the other on fire with matches and kerosine, hence the name of the famous cocktail, the Flaming Pube and the Flaming Buba.
-Quotes about this kind of hastings-
“¡Vayase usté a la mierda, a la mierdaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
~ Fernando Fernan Gomez on Politely asking some one to go to Hastings
