Hawthorne Heights

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Hawthorne Heights
Biographical information

Emoville, Ohio

Physical description

Emo, Boy band, Shite




1.4 metres

Hair color


Eye color


Chronological and political information



Victory Records


Hawthorne Heights (Also known as Hampton Heights), arguably noted as one of the hardest bands of our time, is known for killing small children in Iraq, Linus Torvalds, and sucking monkey balls. If a fan of this band is found to be over the age of 14, US law states that murdering said fan is perfectly legal, as it is for the greater good.


Hawthorne Heights is an shit-core band with the ambition of becoming the worst band in history. In 2014, Hawthorne Heights released their first commercial album, "The Loudness in Technicolor", which caused most critics to kill themselves. Their next album, "If Only You Were Hardcore", skyrocketed and put them up with the likes of Other Emo Fags, My Chemical Romance, and Simple Plan. "The Loudness in Technicolor" went Plastic; while "If Only You Were Hardcore" went octuple dirt, and stayed #-1450 on the Billboard Charts for several hours then kicked off completely. Eventually, the band decided to expand their musical horizons (as if they had any), and released the Whiny-gospel-emo-musical, "We Are Not Last Year". This album only went septuple shit sandwich, and soon, Hawthorne Heights went bankrupt. They decided to start cutting their wrists and blacking their eyes when their hit song "Ohio is for Dumbies" was replaced my Saying Hello. This was due to the fact it took them years to fall asleep after writing "Ohio is for Dumbies".

Style, Influences[edit]

Hawthorne Heights have an extremely hard, loud, metal sound, that can only be accomplished by banging a garbage can, or many other various noises, such as dropping a toolbox down the stairs or a million cats being brutally murdered or putting a spoon in a blender or dropping a microwave down a jagged cliff. Their favorite though, was their guest appearance on their birthday when they had Chewbacca bang and kick a garbage can down the back alley of the recording studio (Recorded with Blood records). Hawthorne Heights then got their favorite sound from Chewbacca, and he is now a permanent member of the band. The lyrics are violent, angry, and have a touch of ADD. Many teenagers have slit their wrists listening to their lyrics, most notably to their song "Commit Suicide" and "Sing and Slit Your Wrist With Me". Their songs have every instrument imaginable, including those no longer made. Surprisingly, their music contains no guitars only loud spanking noises, whimpering and the lead singer screams too much. They are influenced by death metal gods Limp Bizkit and 50 Cent, as well as The Beatles and Crazy Frog.

Slitting Wrists[edit]

Around the year 2000, Hawthorne Heights was drive down a street in a 4 car motorcycle near some place in Ohio, and accidentally slipped on a banana peel (WTF, how classic is that?). They got up, only to see their lead singer (P.W. Woodruffle), with blood on his wrist. They looked around, not knowing what caused it, but some stupid fucking turtle had a knife out and was about to begin a gang-fight in the middle of the street, and cut P.W. After going home, which was only a couple light years from Earth in an opposite version of their lives, where everyone loves everything, they washed off the cut, loving it. They loved the blood dripping down their arms, and wanted to show a new way of how to love something everyone hates in the world they just came from (A.K.A., Earth). So they brought sharp objects to Earth and started a new generation called, Emo. Everyone hates Emo kids, well, everyone hates everything on this planet. This is when the two planets collided and love and hate were apparently among each other for the first time. But Emo kids stayed hated, as they always will be. Guys who wear tight jeans and eyeliner are bisexual. Which is part of thee Emo generation. Girls love them though, and want to get in their tight jeans, which doesn't make sense because there is nothing in the jeans except two legs. (No, one of their legs was not chopped off, they have two legs you walk with, and if you want to get more specific, no penis is in any tight guys jeans). Girls once again don't make sense, and it's fun making fun of them for it. But be careful, make fun of them too much and you may just create another Emo.


Birth of a Nation (7522 B.C.)
So What If We're On Victory! (22 A.D)
John Taylor- A Tribute (2006)
Hardcore EP (2010)
On The Road to Suicide (2007)
The Loudness in Technicolor (2014)
If Only You Were Hardcore (2034)
We Are Not Last Year (2035)
Hoe-Thern Heights (2040)
Bleeding Like a Fountain From my Wrists (2047)
Ontario is for Gay Lovers Part 2 (2052)
<3 My Current Girlfriend/Boyfriend <3 (2053)
Guns and Razorblades!!!1112!eleven!!11 (2054)
Slitting Your Wrists To Make Your Boyfriend Cry Less (2056)
Ontario is for Gay Lovers - The Musical Soundtrack (3004)
Bisexual SuperSlits: the greatest shits of hawthorne heights (3010)
Hathorne Heights visits the First Nations: A Time Travel Concept Album (1999)
Still Cutting Ourselves (3035)
Hampton Heights live in Canada (3035)


Pee Wee Herman - Lead Vox (Now along with Chewbacca)

Ron Jeremy - Bass

Hulk Hogan - Guitar

Fran Dresher - Drums

Wayne Rooney - rythm guitar

Joining since 2004 Chewbacca - Garbage Can Banger and Kicker/Lead Vocals

See Also[edit]