HowTo:Rock Out

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Standard Rocking Stance

“In Soviet Russia, Heavy Metal headbangs to YOU!!'”

Rocking Out is a form of the martial arts that was invented in the early paleolithic era by early humans striving for a way to stick it to the man. (see Mastodon) Rocking out is like riding a bike, at first it hurts to learn, then for a many years you enjoy it (especially in college), then you turn 45 and people make fun of you for doing it. Rocking out is really nothing like biking though. Biking sux, there is only one kind of bike, the girl bike. Bikes first originated in Bulgaria where they needed a contraption to torture their victims. You can understand their methods by turning a bike upside down and see the chain and pedals that are used to stretch the foreskin. Rocking out however, comes in many forms, for both genders, and everything in between. (see Rocky Horror Picture Show)

The Rocking Basics[edit]

Rock On! George Bush proves he doesn't care about metal by insulting all metalheads

There are many different styles of Rocking Out, but all either include these basic moves, or have evolved from them.

Devil Horns- Hail Satan with your pinky and your pointer finger. Give a stiff fingered shocker to The Man!!!!

Headbanging- A ritualistic type of dance that involves bashing ones head over and over again in the air or on any other surface.

  • Headbanging was created by Beethoven during a concert by Wolfgang Amadeus Mohammed Mozart
  • Headbanging does not necessarily have to follow the beat, as long as it looks painful.
  • Headbanging does not require long hair, but if your hair is short then you'll look like a douchebag doing it.
  • Headbanging is not allowed in the State of Kansas.

Moshing- The act of hurting others and being hurt by others for fun, (see also S'n'M)

  • Thou Shalt Not Kill
  • No biting
  • If someone falls while moshing, alert other moshers so everyone gets a free gang stomp at the fallen target.

proper places to induce a mosh pit include :

  • metal shows
  • dance clubs
  • retirement homes
  • playgrounds
  • funeral parlors
  • Congress

Various Rocking Styles[edit]

  • Paleo Metal (B.C.E. 2025-1225)
  • Neolithica (B.C.E. 1224-1003)
  • Lute Rock (B.C.E. 1002-400)
  • Street Punk (B.C.E. 399-1)
  • Christian Rock (Common Era Begins, C.E. 0-30)
  • Folk Rock (C.E. 0031-0824)
  • New Wave Of British Heavy Metal (C.E. 835-1450)
  • Neo Classical Metal (C.E. 1451-1889)
  • The Blues/Jazz (also known as Black Metal) (C.E. 1890-1924)
  • Emo Rock (C.E. 1933-1945) (notice it's the same period as that of hitler's rule)
  • Rockabilly (C.E. 1946-1959)
  • British Invasion (C.E. 1960-1968)
  • Classic Rock (C.E. 1969-present) (see Old People)
  • Pure Heavy Metal (the begining-the end)
  • Punk Rock (C.E. 1977-1991)
  • Hair Metal (C.E. 1980-1991)
  • Hardcore Punk (C.E. 1980-1991)
  • Thrash Metal (C.E. 1983-1991)
  • Black Metal (C.E 1666, 1983-1987, 1991-1995)
  • Death Metal (C.E 1984-1991)
  • Arena Rock (C.E. 1976-1991)
  • New Wave (C.E. 1982-1991)
  • Grunge (Common Era Ends, What the Fuck Era Begins, W.T.F.E. 0000-0004)
  • NU Metal (W.T.F.E. 0004-present)
  • 90s Alternative (C.E. 1990-W.T.F.E 0009)
  • Garage Revival (W.T.F.E. 0008-present)
  • HardXCore Rock (W.T.F.E. 0005-present)
  • Scene-ster Rock (W.T.F.E. 0007-present)


Here are detailed "step by step" instructions for Rocking Out. Remember, most of these are meant for the purpose of self defense only. So when your rock'n'roll pisses people off, you'll be ready.

Mammothbane, a popular prehistoric metal band.

Paleo Metal (B.C.E. 2025-1225)- Invented by the early humans of the ancient world, this is the first stance to be recorded. Percussion was most popular in this era, and it has been speculated that the blast beat was invented sometime in this time period.

  1. Stand with your feet shoulder width apart.
  2. Slightly bend your knees and hunch your shoulders forward.
  3. Let your arms hang in front of you as if they are very heavy.
  4. Walk forward while leaning back, keep shoulders hunched.
  5. Allow arms to sway violently from side to side.

Violence Rocks!

Neolithica (B.C.E. 1224-1003)- The origin of moshing can be traced back to this era. Rocking Out becomes drastically more violent, injury and death become more common.

  1. Obtain a Rocking tool. (Clubs, spears, rocks, anything also used in hunting or war)
  2. Decorate your face with corpse paint.
  3. Crouch into a very low position, ready to pounce.
  4. Unleashe a bloodcurdling war-cry.
  5. Pounce onto the nearest other participant (or non-participant.) Go for the kill.


Lute Rock (B.C.E. 1002-400)- Rocking Out becomes much more intense, though far less violent.

  1. Dawn yourself in a toga.
  2. Fill you toga pockets full of grapes and other civilized ammunition.
  3. Use your ammunition to weed out the weaker Rocker Outers.
  4. Once everyone is smeared with fruit and juice, remove you toga and engage in a massive orgy.
  5. Due to the unfortunate cultural aspects of this fighting style, only men are allowed to engage in Lute Rock. (this includes number 4)

Street Punk (B.C.E. 399-1)- This unique technique started out on the streets of Rome. It is one of the few martial arts designed to instigate violence. Some reasons for this technique becoming popular include the general hatred of The Senate, The Empire in general, The Patron-Client System, Landlords, The Queen of England and pretty much everything else.

  1. New haircut, try spikes, or a mohawk.
  2. Wear some chains
  3. Learn to enjoy poor living conditions, fighting, and drinking
  4. You'll need tatoos, get some that show where you stand in society.
  5. You are now ready to Rock Out in the gladatorial colliseum.


Christian Rock (C.E. 0-30)- Jesus 'Jimi' Christ invents a totally new style of rocking for the new era. Unity is spread throughout the land by the power of acoustic melodys and church gigs.

  1. Get a tatoo of a Jesus fish to show you really believe.
  2. Stand up straight, knees relaxed.
  3. Either raise your hands and clap in praise, or hold hands with other rockers.
  4. In between each song, kneel down and pray for the show to go well.

  • NOTE- DO NOT DANCE, God is watching. Should you happen to accidentally move any bodyparts that aren't allowed, excuse yourself from the area and say three Hail Mary's as penance.

Folk Rock (C.E. 0031-0824)- In the age of live performance, usually by troupes that travel from town to town, Folk Rockin' was a very important survival skill.

  1. This style also calls for acoustics. Guitars, mandolins, and lutes are all acceptable.
  2. Join a crowd of peasants (folks).
  3. Sing about everyday items and happenings. Examples include parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme, Mrs. Robinson, nature, and smoking weed.
  4. Sway and let the sweet music soothe you.

Iron Maiden

New Wave of British Heavy Metal (C.E. 835-1450)- This wave is no longer new, but at its still the latest, we have still yet to see any good metal come from England.

  1. Join a Holy Crusade, but kill in the name of Satan.
  2. Wear chain mail.
  3. Stand with your legs spread wide, and your knees bent.
  4. Raise either a clenched fist, or your devil horns.
  5. Headbang.

"You have no taste" ~Beethoven~

Neo Classical Metal (C.E. 1451-1889)- The word "neo" should not even be used here, since this is when it first started. This style represents those who trust to knowledge, (it pays to have class and dignity). This stance has many benefits, including feeling grown up, feeling better than others, pretending to have exquisite taste, and acting like a total douchebag.

  1. Tell everyone that your a "metalhead."
  2. Talk to everyone about your awesome new musical realizations and tastes.
  3. Insist that people who don't share your opinion have "no classical taste."
  4. Show everyone how much you rock with your totally awesome devil horns.

  • NOTE- Do Not Mosh. That has nothing to do with real music, people who mosh just want to enjoy music, they have no classical taste.

Colored folk, also known as jazz/blues musicians

The Blues/Jazz (also known as Black Metal) (C.E. 1890-1924)- Very popular amongst African Americans... also African Europeans, African Asians, African Australians, African South Americans, Africa Atlanteans, African Martians, and African Africans.

  1. Do not clear you throat before singing.
  2. Crank up the twang on that guit-fiddle.
  3. Hello Harlem!
  4. Pop a cap in the ass of whoever wrote this rascist shit.

He's Rocking Now!!!

Emo Rock (C.E. 1925-1945)- A fighting style composed mostly of karate kicks, microphone twirling, and wrist slashing. This style first became popular as a result of the Great Depression, and its popularity waned after D-day, 1945, when My Chemical Romance ran out of ideas for videos.

  1. Makeup, lots, make yourself look sad.
  2. You'll need tight pants, guys pants aren't tight enough, use girls pants (its perfectly ok, nobody will think your gay).
  3. Mosh!!! This means karate kicks, cartwheels, and somersaults.
  4. If everything works right, then nobody will understand you. Find a razor blade. (Note - Cutting movements are down the street, not across the road.)

Such an innocent age, polluted by rockabilly sodomites

Rockabilly (C.E. 1946-1959)- Rockabilly is a very unique style that represents the greatest generation...of ass kickers. Rockabilly is the most insane, sickest, dirtiest, ugliest, meanest, most brutal fighting style of all time.

  1. Be upbeat, brutality can't drag on and on.
  2. Dress yourself like Elvis, or the Fonz, or the people from Grease.
  3. Moshing isn't brutal enough, rock harder by jamming plastic explosives down someones throat.
  4. Drive your Hot Rod through a church. (Go Greased Lightning Go!)
  5. Take your steady sweetheart to the highest point overlooking the town.
  6. And sacrifice her to the gods. (burn her!)
  7. Eat her charred remains.
  8. Hit the jukebox just right, so it plays your favorite tune. (Ehh!)