Headcrab

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Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Spycrab?
The fourth headcrab variant.

“...”

~ Gordan Freeman on headcrabs

“I have HAD IT with these God-damn headcrabs on this God-damn plane!”

~ Samuel L. Jackson on Headcrabs

Headcrabs are the most violent type of crab known to man. And women. And your neighbor. And probably that old guy down the street whos name you can never remember. Having headcrabs typically results in becoming a hideous screeching zombie host. Which isn't fun. Trust me on this one. Remember, kids: Knowing is half the battle. The other half is being able to wield a crowbar in a fashion that can easily beat the living fahjeezus out of a headcrab. This article can safely help you to get down with the whole "knowing" part. The thing with the crowbar? Yeah, that's up to you.

Headcrabs are commonly found in the dark. I mean really dark. We're talking the kind of dark that requires you to have a flashlight. The kind of dark that Grues live in. Please do not confuse headcrabs with Grues. See, Grues just eat you alive in horrible pain. Headcrabs jump up and start humping your head like there's no tomorrow. So, really, which is worse? Being eaten? Or having to live with the insult of having been raped on the head by a crab? Here's a hint: the answer isn't "being eaten".

Stoppin It[edit]

Always get your sex partner checked. You can perform this check by checking the scalp region for a large parasitic alien. If your partner shows signs of a parasitic alien gnawing off their face, bash their head in with a crowbar. Shampoo will not do the trick. Some freelance doctors have also proposed that wearing a fancy suit makes you immune, although this is not known for certain. It is rumored that in addition to fancy suits, one must also be not-quite-human, wear massive amounts of hair gel, or be Dick Cheney, who shoots everything in sight, including head crabs and activist judges. Do NOT wear a white shirt covered in blood or tomato juice as this is one of the headcrab's few turn-ons. Also for those in the Christian beliefs, Jesus WILL NOT cure you of these horrible headcrabs. Nor will holy water, it will only aggravate them into eating your head faster.

Symptoms[edit]

Fortunately, one out of 6,947 Poops are just tumors.

Symptoms include

  • A distinct love for icing. When a victim is separated from icing, the victim screams: "YABBA!!!!!" and asks for their icing.
  • Strange feeling to force Gordon Freeman, who appears to be a fish to the victim, to eat crackers.
  • Itching at groin.
  • Yellowing of the blood
  • Red, dry, or missing eyes.
  • Numbness around the cranial region
  • A severe case of dandruff
  • Hair loss
  • Skin loss
  • Head Loss
  • Death
  • Loss of bodily functions
  • Loss of internal organs (through a large hole in your gut)
  • A peculiar expansion in the chest area
  • Elongation of fingers, toes, and... other extremities
  • Syllabification
  • Voices of a Orthodox priest in your head
  • A crab-like creature located at the head
  • An uncontrollable urge to moan and shamble
  • Speaking backwards
  • Summability
  • Sterility
  • Their girlfriend/boyfriend is peeing on their dead brother's rainbow tasty powdery cocaine
  • Incriminated tolerance for poison, radiation, and leg loss
  • Ability to move very fast and jump very far
  • Ability to transmit headcrabs without sex (cause no one wants to have sex with a guy like that!)
  • Ability to be lit on fire and still walk around for around 10 more seconds than usual while screaming and grumbling randomly like a fucking idiot.
  • Sudden erections at least 200 times a day.
  • Imagin weird pictures of black people.
  • Reading weird sites like this one.
  • Being attracted to bugs, usually: Centipedes, spiders, flies and Oprah.
* In rare cases

Cure[edit]

  • Being pwned by Gordon Freeman. (Includes being shot in the head with a shotgun and decapitated by Saw blade.)
  • Alyx kicking you in the head.
  • Getting crushed by car, burying with hot irons and of course nuclear acid to the head.
  • Eat your Vegetables
  • Help old women across the street (if they cooperate)
  • Find a head more attractive than yours
  • Committing Suicide
  • Doing 50 or more of Steam's Achievements
  • Smoking Marihuani 24 hours every day in a year (this may have some slight side effects)

There are in fact, actually many, many ways of being cured of headcrabness, one of the more violent ones is to find a rather annoyed Grue and sing Spice Girls to it. This may also cause violent death. Another way to cure headcrabness is to have no brain, as this was the method used by Gordon Frohman to cure himself in Ravenholm (followed up with a medkit, of course!). This can be achieved by listening to the Boring Works Of Neils Bohr for approximately 30 seconds (or, in most cases, less). This is the equivalent of taking a shotgun blast to the face although it is slightly more painful than a shotgun to the face.

Urban Legends[edit]

  • Some say that one could catch a case of the poops in the bathroom; this is typically argued to be false as a crab would clearly die when not with a host. That is WRONG. One can get a case of the headcrabs in a ventilation duct, waste disposal facility, apartment complex, or anywhere typically infested with headcrab zombies, which is normally anywhere Gordon Freeman is likely to be visiting in the Near Future.
  • Headcrabs are NOT mammals, although yes, that is hair.
  • Powdered headcrab beak is held to be a powerful aphrodisiac, however it is a controlled substance in many jurisdictions.

Poop[edit]

The vicious Poops.

Poops are a sub-species of the excriment which primarily resides in France. They are most commonly found near Experiences, whose unsuspecting customers they catch after exiting the experience or in the common French restaurant.

See Also[edit]

The games of Valve
Half-Life
Half-Life · Half-Life 2 · Gordon Freeman · Alyx Vance · G-Man · Gordon Frohman · Combine Soldier
Portal
Portal · Portal 2 · Film · GLaDOS
Left 4 Dead
Left 4 Dead · Left 4 Dead 2